SIREN SUICIDES I CHOSE TO DIE ALSO BY KSENIA ANSKE Blue Sparrow: Tweets on Writing, Reading, and Other Creative Nonsense SIREN SUICIDES I CHOSE TO DIE BY KSENIA ANSKE ILLUSTRATIONS BY ANNA MILIOUTINA Text copyright © 2013 by %senia &ns'e http:((www)'seniaans'e)co*( +llustrations copyright © 2013 by &nna ,ilioutina http:((a*ilioutina)wix.co*(a*ilidesigns &ll rights reserved) This work is *ade available under the ter*s o- the Creative Co**ons &ttribution.NonCo**ercial.Share&li'e #)0 license, http:((creativeco**ons)org(licenses(by.nc-sa(#)!() /ou are -ree to share 0to copy, distribute and trans*it the work1 and to re*ix 0to adapt the work1 under the -ollowing conditions: you *ust attribute the work in the *anner speci-ied by the author or licensor 0but not in any way that suggests that they endorse you or your use o- the work12 you *ay not use this work -or co**ercial purposes2 i- you alter, trans-orm, or build upon this work, you *ay distribute the resulting work only under the sa*e or si*ilar license to this one) &ny o- the above conditions can be waived i- you get per*ission -ro* the copyright holder) 3or any reuse or distribution, you *ust *a'e clear to others the license ter*s o- this work) +SBN."#: 456.1492115151 +SBN."!: "74 ""8"8! Dedication This boo' is dedicated to *y daughter, &nna ,ilioutina, who gave *e a new purpose in life when + $eca*e a *other at eighteen) &t sixteen, + escaped the violence o- *y ho*e life by running away) + was a suicidal teenager, the result o- an abusive father) Then, at seventeen, + got pregnant) 9iving birth to a baby girl drove the suicidal thoughts out o- *y *ind and filled *e with new life) ,y daughter illustrated every chapter and created the cover art for Siren Suicides, and + a* forever grateful for her) This boo' is also dedicated to *y boyfriend, Royce :aniel, who believed in *e as a writer and helped *e finish this boo' by painstakingly reading and co**enting on *y writing every single day) &t thirty.three, + was suicidal again, fro* revisiting *y adolescence and discovering that *y father sexually abused *e) Beco*ing a writer and writing out *y pain in Siren Suicides gave *e the will to live once *ore) &bove all, this boo' is dedicated to every single hu*an $eing who has ever wanted to ta'e his or her li-e and leave this world. +- you are thinking about killing yourself, please, don;t) <ife is beautiful, and it's even *ore $eautiful with you in it) +t *ight see* like there is no other way out at ti*es, but, trust *e, it will pass) =ang on, hang on to *e, hang on to this boo') +t gets $etter) There is love everywhere, if only you're willing to stretch out your hand and as' for help) + know how hard it is2 + know that it;s nearly i*possible) + know how painful it see*s to continue living in your body, continuing an existence that you hate) >lease, + $eg you, as' for help) + know you don't want to, + know you don't believe anyone cares) + do) ?.*ail *e at kseniaanske@g*ail)co*, tweet to *e at @kseniaanske, friend *e on 3aceboo' as %senia &nske, and + will respond back. +- you'd rather tal' with so*eone anony*ously, you can also call the AS Suicide >revention line at ".6!!.SA+C+:? 0".6!!.567. 7##1 or visit http://www)suicide)org() + will offer this boo' for free, forever, as a download -ro* *y website, http://www)kseniaanske)co*() WhyB Because + have a secret wish) + wish that *y novel will help save a li-e, or two, or *ore) CONTENTS Chapter 1 Brights’ Bathroom — 1 Chapter 2 Marble Bathtub — 12 Chapter 3 Bathroom Door — 23 Chapter 4 Aurora Bridge — 34 Chapter 5 Lake Union — 48 Chapter 6 Lake’s Bottom — 63 Chapter 7 Brights’ Boat — 74 Chapter 8 Seward Park — 86 Chapter 9 North Shore — 100 Chapter 10 Douglas Firs — 111 Chapter 11 Magnificent Forest — 122 Chapter 12 Highway 99 — 137 Chapter 13 Pike Place Fish Market — 149 Chapter 14 Public Restroom — 161 Chapter 15 Restroom Stall — 175 Chapter 16 Post Alley — 191 Chapter 17 Aurora Avenue — 204 Chapter 18 Brights’ Garage — 219 Chapter 19 Man Cave — 233 Chapter 20 Ship Canal — 247 “The Sirenes (Sirens), daughters of the River Achelous and the Muse Melpomene, wandering away after the rape of Proserpina Persephone!, came to the land of Apollo, and there were made flying creatures by the will of #eres $emeter] "ecause they had not brought help to her daughter. It was predicted that they would live only until someone who heard their singing would pass by. 'lysses (dysseus! proved fatal to them, for when by his cleverness he passed by the roc)s where they dwelt, they threw themselves into the sea% This place is called Sirenides from them, and is between Sicily and Italy.” C>seudo.=yginus, Fabulae 141 (trans) Grant) 0Ro*an mythographer C2nd A):)1 Chapter 1 1Brights’ Bathroom + chose to die in the bathroo* because it’s the only roo* in the house + can lock. Besides, water cal*s *e, and + have to be cal* to pull the plug on my life. Nothing would irritate *y father more than -inding the -ully clothed corpse o- his sixteen-year-old daughter on the *orning o- her $irthday, -loating in his $eloved antique, carved.*arble tub—a ridiculous Bright -a*ily relic. ?ach o- its corners is held up by one o- -our sirens, their *ouths open in lethal song, their hands turned up in worship to the Siren o- Canosa, a bronze -aucet -igurine) =ow -itting) &ilen Bright, the deceased, guided into the a-terlife by a tap. $o you hear me, Papa+ This is my morbid jo)e. Six years ago today, on a rainy Septe*ber *orning, *y *other Gu*ped o-- the &urora Bridge) So*ething terrible *ust have happened, because she was a-raid o- heights) +Dd heard Papa screa* at her, heard her run out o- their bedroo* and sla* the -ront door. + hadn’t seen *uch o- *y *o* during *y childhood, but a-ter that day, +Dd lost her -orever. 3or this, and -or all o- the 1 Chapter 1 pain heDs caused *e, + want to hurt *y -ather the only way + can —by sending him a *essage as twisted as his soul) By ending *y life in the very place he delivered *e, on a rainy Septe*ber *orning in 1993. +n so*e perverted sense, as -ar back as I can re*e*ber, the -our *arble sirens and the $ronze one gave *e *ore co*-ort than *y parents) They were the -ive sisters + never had) While normal girls spent their -ree time playing outside, + was locked in our bathroo* -or punish*ent, tal'ing to inanimate creatures -or hours) =aving *e*orized entire passages -ro* =o*er’s The (dyssey, + was able to call each siren by her proper na*e) =o*er would turn in his grave if heDd heard *e) =is story *entions only three sirens) I didn’t like their na*es, so + gave the* na*es + liked -ro* other books) Pisinoe, the one with the persuasive *ind, is the youngest o- the -ive) We both want a pet, so + like her best -or that. Teles is the per-ect one2 her cute, yet slightly chubby, -ace *akes *e like *ine so much $etter, thank you) Raidne sy*bolizes improve*ent. With hair that’s long and curly, it’s the envy o- *y life2 *y hair rese*bles a spaghetti -actory explosion on best days, and on worst, it’s dubbed Hchicken--eathersI by the 'ids at school) <igeia is the shrill one, perhaps due to her voice) =er perfect $reasts were the source o- *y secret ad*iration until the day + understood that being called flat-chested was my fate. Yeah) These are *y -our *arble sisters) &ll o- the*, except -or Canosa, stand about two feet tall. Their bare bodies protrude -ro* -our corners o- the tub, their knees on the -loor, their arms spread wide as if theyDre the wings o- birds getting ready to fly. The tu$ is a central -eature in our large bathroo*2 its plu*bing was hidden beneath the -loor, and its lack o- a shower curtain adds to its authenticity) &t the head o- the tub, with long hair covering her body and legs dangling -ro* the rim, sits the 2 Brights’ Bathroom Siren o- Canosa, or Canosa -or short. ,y big $ronze sister. &lthough she stands only one -oot tall, sheDs the boss) =er le-t hand holds the -aucet, and her right arm is raised over her head in a gesture o- *ourning) SheDs the *ain -unerary siren whose Go$ as a *ythological creature is to lead the souls o- the dead into a-terlife, heaven, or hell) Three very nice destinations) Pic' your -avorite while you hold her hand) Right. But +D* -orgetting to count. ?ight. Nine. Ten. Ten seconds since + too' the plunge, stepping into the bathtu$ -ull o- water, wearing -aded Geans and *y -avorite $lue hoodie) Big white letters spell Siren Suicides across the -ront; theyDre my favorite band, because their music kicks ass) Blue is *y -avorite color. Three is *y -avorite nu*ber. +t takes three *inutes -or an average person to drown. Only two *inutes and fifty seconds le-t.