P.G. Wodehouse “The Custody of the Pumpkin” 1935 version, based on the original 1924 version 1935 text first appeared in collection of Wodehouse’s short stories titled Blandings Castle and Elsewhere BLANDINGS CASTLE THE CUSTODY OF THE PUMPKIN 'Perhaps if I were to remove the cap at the extremity of the a Theocritan shepherd hastening to keep an appointment with a " instrument, m'lord, more satisfactory results might be obtained.' nymph, and a sudden frown marred the serenity of Lord Ems­ 'Eh? Cap? Is there a cap? So there is. Take it off, Beach.' worth's brow. He generally frowned when he saw Freddie, for 'Very good, m'lord.' with the passage of the years that youth had become more and 'Ah!' There was satisfaction in Lord Ernsworth's voice. He more of a problem to an anxious father. twiddled and adjusted, and the satisfaction deepened. 'Yes,that's Unlike the male codfish, which, suddenly finding itself the better. That's capital. Beach, I can see a cow.' parent of three million five hundred thousand little codfish, 'Indeed, m'lord?' cheerfully resolves to love them all, the British aristocracy is 'Down in the water-meadows. Remarkable. Might be two apt to look with a somewhat jaundiced eye on its younger sons. yards away. All right, Beach. Shan't want you any longer.' And Freddie Threepwood was one of those younger sons who 'Your hat, m'lord?' rather invite the jaundiced eye. It seemed to the head of the 'Put it on my head.' family that there was no way of coping with the boy. If he was 'Very good, m'lord.' allowed to live in London, he piled up debts and got into The butler, this kindly act performed, withdrew. Lord Ems­ mischief; and when you jerked him back into the purer sur­ worth continued gazing at the cow. roundings ofBlandings Castle, he just mooned about the place, The ninth Earl of Emsworth was a fluffy-minded and ami­ moping broodingly. Hamlet's society at Elsinore must have had able old gentleman with a fondness for new toys. Although the much the same effect on his stepfather as did that of Freddie main interest ofhis lifewas his garden, he was alwaysready to try Threepwood at Blandings on Lord Emsworth. And it is prob­ a side line, and the latest of these side lines was this telescope of able that what induced the latter to keep a telescopic eye on him his. Ordered from London in a burst of enthusiasm consequent at this moment was the fact that his demeanour was so myster­ upon the reading of an article on astronomy in a monthly iouslyjaunty, his bearing so intriguingly free from its customary magazine, it had been placed in position on the previous eve­ crushed misery. Some inner voice whispered to Lord Emsworth ning. What was now in progress was its trial trip. that this smiling, prancing youth was up to no good and would Presently, the cow's audience-appeal began to wane. It was a bear watching. fine cow, as cows go, but, like so many cows, it lacked sustained The inner voice was absolutely correct. Within thirty seconds dramatic interest. Surfeited after awhile by the spectacle of it its case had been proved up to the hilt. Scarcely had his lordship chewing the cud and staring glassily at nothing, Lord Emsworth had time to wish, as he invariably wished on seeing his offspring, decided to swivel the apparatus round in the hope of picking up that Freddie had been something entirely different in manners, something a trifle more sensational. And he was just about to do morals, and appearance, and had been the son of somebody else Ii' so, when into the range of his vision there came the Hon. living a considerable distance away, when out of a small spinney Freddie. White and shining, he tripped along over the turflike near the end of the meadow there bounded a girl. And Freddie, 12 13 BLANDINGS CASTLE THE CUSTODY OF THE PUMPKIN after a cautious glance over his shoulder, immediately proceeded 'Hullo, guv'nor!' he carolled. He searched in his mind for a to fold this female in a warm embrace. pleasant topic of conversation - always a matter of some little Lord Emsworth had seen enough. He tottered away from the difficulty on these occasions. 'Lovely day, what?' telescope, a shattered man. One of his favourite dreams was of His lordship was not to be diverted into a discussion of the some nice, eligible girl, belonging to a good family, and posses­ weather. He drew a step nearer, looking like the man who sing a bit of money of her own, coming along some day and smothered the young princes in the Tower. taking Freddie off his hands; but that inner voice, more confi­ 'Frederick,' he demanded, 'who was that girl?' dent now than ever, told him that this was not she. Freddie The Hon. Freddie started convulsively. He appeared to be would not sneak off in this furtive fashion to meet eligible girls, swallowing with difficulty something large and jagged. nor could he imagine any eligible girl, in her right senses, 'Girl?' he quavered. 'Girl? Girl, guv'nor?' rushing into Freddie's arms in that enthusiastic way. No, there 'That girl I saw you kissing ten minutes ago down in the was only one explanation. In the cloistral seclusion ofBlandings, water-meadows.' far from the Metropolis with all its conveniences for that sort of 'Oh!' said the Hon. Freddie. He paused. 'Oh, ah!' He paused thing, Freddie had managed to get himself entangled. Seething again. 'Oh, ah, yes! I've been meaning to tell you about that, with anguish and fury, Lord Emsworth hurried down the stairs guv'nor.' and out on to the terrace. Here he prowled like an elderly 'You have, have you?' leopard waiting for feeding-time, until in due season there was 'All perfectly correct, you know. Oh, yes, indeed! All most a flicker of white among the trees that flanked the drive and a absolutely correct-o! Nothing fishy, I mean to say, or anything cheerful whistling announced the culprit's approach. like that. She's myfiancee.' It was with a sour and hostile eye that Lord Emsworth A sharp howl escaped Lord Emsworth, as if one of the bees. watched his son draw near. He adjusted his pince-nez, and humming in the lavender-beds had taken time off to sting him with their assistance was able to perceive that a fatuous smile in the neck. of self-satisfaction illumined the young man's face, giving him 'Who is she?' he boomed. 'Who is this woman?' the appearance of a beaming sheep. In the young man's button­ 'Her name's Donaldson.' hole there shone a nosegay ofsimple meadow flowers, which, as 'Who is she?' he walked, he patted from time to time with a loving hand. 'Aggie Donaldson. Aggie's short for Niagara. Her people 'Frederick!' bellowed his lordship. spent their honeymoon at the Falls, she tells me. She's American The villain of the piece halted abruptly. Sunk in a roseate and all that. Rummy names they give kids in America,' pro­ trance, he had not observed his father. But such was the sunni­ ceeded Freddie, with hollow chattiness. 'I mean to say! Niagara! ness of his mood that even this encounter could not damp him. I ask you!' He gambolled happily up. 'Who is she?' 14 15 if~: BLANDINGS CASTLE THE CUSTODY OF THE PUMPKIN i~. 'She's most awfully bright, you know. Full of beans. You'll into the matter of his discourse. 'That girl. You must send Iii love her.' her away.' 'Who is she?' A look of bewilderment clouded such of Mr McAllister's 'And can play the saxophone.' features as were not concealed behind his beard and eyebrows. 'Who,' demanded Lord Emsworth for the sixth time, 'is she? 'Gurrul?' !> j'- And where did you meet her?' 'That girl who is staying with you. She must go!' Freddie coughed. The information, he perceived, could no 'Gae where?' I longer be withheld, and he was keenly alive to the fact that it Lord Emsworth was not in the mood to be finicky about i scarcely fell into the class of tidings of great joy. details. i 'Well, as a matter of fact, guv'nor, she's a sort of cousin of ~nywhere,' he said. 'I won't have her here a day longer.' I Angus McAllister's. She's come over to England for a visit, don't 'Why?' inquired Mr McAllister, who liked to thresh these you know, and is staying with the old boy. That's how I hap­ things out. pened to run across her.' 'Never mind why. You must send her away immediately.' Lord Emsworth's eyes bulged and he gargled faintly. He had Mr McAllister mentioned an insuperable objection. t had many unpleasant visions of his son's future, but they had 'She's payin' me twa poon' a week,' he said simply. iF never included one of him walking down the aisle with a sort of Lord Emsworth did not grind his teeth, for he was not given '\>,' cousin of his head-gardener. to that form of displaying emotion; but he leaped some ten \ 'Oh!' he said. 'Oh, indeed?' inches into the air and dropped his pince-nez. And, though i, 'That's the strength of it, guv'nor.' normally a fair-minded and reasonable man, well aware that f Lord Ernsworrh threw his arms up, as if calling on Heaven to modern earls must think twice before pulling the feudal stuff on !' witness a good man's persecution, and shot off along the terrace their employes, he took on the forthright truculence of a large at a rapid trot.