It’s Not Over: Here I am on My Feet - Memoir of a Neurologist with a Spinal Cord Injury - Written by Beomseok (BJ) Jeon Translated by Jay and Jane Jeon http://www.snumdc.org/memoir About the Author Beomseok (BJ) Jeon, MD, PhD Professor Beomseok Jeon is Medical Director of the Move- ment Disorder Center at Seoul National University Hospital. He is the past President of the Korean Movement Disorder Society, and served as the International Delegate of the Kore- an Neurological Association. He also served as the Director of Office of the Medical Policy and Communication, Seoul National University. Currently, he is the President of the Asia- Oceanian Association of Neurology (AOAN) and Past-Chair of Movement Disorder Society-Asia and Oceanian Section (MDS-AOS). Prof. Jeon graduated from Seoul National University Col- lege of Medicine, and completed his neurology residency both at Seoul National University Hospital (1983-1987) and at the University of Minnesota (1987-1991), and then had movement disorder fellowship under Prof. Stanley Fahn at Columbia University (1991-1993). He also studied basic neu- rosciences under Prof. Robert Burke as H. Houston Merritt Fellow (1997-1998) at Columbia University. Prof. Jeon has ex- tensively studied genetics in Korean patients with parkinson- ism, and is currently interested in medical and surgical treat- ment of advanced parkinsonism. He has published over 400 peer reviewed articles, and wrote three books for patients and families with Parkinson’s disease and ataxia. Man is troubled not by the events but by the meaning he gives them. - Epitectus, an emancipated Roman slave and stoic scholar 2 0DSRI6HRXO 0DLQ+RVSLWDO ZRUNSODFH +RPH 1DP+DQ6DQ6XQJ %XQGDQJ +RVSLWDO 3 Prologue To Those who are in Their Trial June 5, 2004. It is the day my rock-solid body shattered like glass. Even after 5 years to this day, my eyes close and my breath shallows whenever I think of that day. An inexplicable hiking accident left me with a quadriplegia un- able to lift even a finger. I figured I should leave a record since my fate was uncertain. As I could not write myself, I had someone jot down the memo that I told. After 9 months of diligent rehab with an unwilling body and a determined mind, I was able to walk out of the hospital on my feet. Soon after I was discharged from the hospital in March 2005, I opened my sickbed notes many times to write a book. However, something blocked my heart whenever I reached the moments of my accident, and I could not move on. I managed to finish a rough draft by dictating to my secretary by early 2006. But I dithered over the decision to publish it. After a long deliberation I decided to wait until my children went to college and it came to this day. (Two years 4 after publication in 2009, I asked my children who are studying in the States to translate it into English.) There is a book ‘When bad things happen to good people’. The book is written by a Jewish rabbi Harold S. Kushner, and is about his torment over the loss of his son to progeria (*an extremely rare ge- netic disease wherein accelerated aging is manifested at an early age. Those born with progeria typically live about thirteen years.) and overcoming the trage- dy. Kushner thought of himself as a decent man. Thus he could not understand why God gave him this tragedy. He was filled with re- sentment and anger against the all-mighty God for breaking his heart. In order to accept the loss he tried to think of it as a test and providence of God to make him stronger and more perfect. But that did not give him solace. Then one day he gave up his effort to find the cause and meaning of the tragedy, and just accepted the death of his son as a fact. And then he was able to be released from his anguish. Everyone in the world suffers from loss. Why should I be an ex- ception? We should ask not why it happened but how to overcome it. Despair, wrath, blame, regret, self pity.... These do not save us from our suffering. Only by accepting the loss and doing the best in it will we be able to move on from it. I know my body will never be what it used to be just as Kushner’s 5 son will never return. As Kushner became a Rabbi that can sympa- thize for other’s pain and suffering after overcoming his agony, I as a result of my bodily tribulation will try to become a warm-hearted physician that understands my patients’ pains and will teach my students to become one as well. This diary is a daily record without alteration of the days I was in my sickbed. This is not a book of sweet triumph. It is an ongoing record of my struggle against my ordeal, and is for those who are still in their trial which may never end. I hope this book may help those who suffer in affliction, their families, and the people who care for them. Confiding his friendship to Horatio, Hamlet said For thou hast been As one, in suffering all, that suffers nothing, A man that Fortune's buffets and rewards Hast ta'en with equal thanks. - “Hamlet” 3.2.65-68 In this way we will become a victor that accepts one’s fate and does not succumb to it. Fall of 2009 Beomseok (BJ) Jeon 6 Contents Prologue To those who are in their trial ◆ 4 Chapter 1 That fateful day ◆ 8 Chapter 2 The start of the long fight ◆ 50 Chapter 3 Back to my familiar and unfamiliar place ◆ 186 Three Years Later ◆ 220 Epilogue The unfinished story ◆ 226 7 Chapter 1 That Fateful Day 8 June 5, That Fateful Day 2004. Saturday That day began just like any other day. 5:15 A.M. I quietly sneaked out of my bed, and headed down- stairs to the kitchen. Four slices of bread and an apple were my breakfast. Skipped a shower, changed my clothes, and left home with hur- ried steps. 5:43 A.M. Boarded the Line 5 subway train leaving from Olympic Park Station. 6:15 A.M. Arrived at Jongro-3-ga Station. 6:30 A.M. Arrived at the health club at the basement of the Bo- ryung Pharmaceuticals Building. After 30 minutes of uphill tread- mill, I took a shower. It was a usual day just like any other day up to this point. 7:30 A.M. Arrived at the conference room 9321 of the Hospital where the morning report was held. 8:50 A.M. The meeting ended. I entered my office, turned on the 9 computer and sorted through my e-mails. My secretary arrived at the office at 9:00 A.M. I made a quick ward round, and then started on paper work. The professor’s cafeteria on the 13th floor serves lunch from 11:30 A.M., but I went up at 11:25. They serve noodles on Saturdays, which I particularly enjoy. I finished off a bowl of bibimgooksoo (*noodles mixed with spices and vegetables), then considered eating a bowl of moolgooksoo (*noodles in watery soup) as well. But I chose to eat another bowl of bibimgook- soo instead. It was a usual day just like any other day up to this point. I called Cheol-Woong Kim as I left the office at 11:55 A.M. “Hey, I’m leaving now. So I should be ready by 1:30” People say my phone calls are so short they are impersonal. “Yes, sir.” His answer was short as well. He picked it up from me. I walked to Jongro-3-ga Station, and arrived home at 1:00 P.M. My wife was relaxing in the bedroom on the second floor, and my children had not returned yet. “How about going for a hike together?” I asked an empty question, and she gave the expected response. “No thanks. Go alone.” It was a usual day just like any other day up to this point. 10 By the time I changed my clothes and packed my knapsack, it was 1:30 P.M. In my pack were a months-old chocolate bar, a dried pumpkin pickled with sugar, two pairs of eisen stowed to add the weight, and a spare change of underwear. My hiking pants were a 50 dollars for three pants deal that my wife had picked up in Dongdaemun Market for an earlier trip to Australia; my top was a short-sleeved cotton T-shirt; and my cap had a long visor for shade. Then my cellphone rang. It was a call from Cheol-Woong letting me know that he had just arrived. I thought about taking my cell- phone with me as I left. But I did not want to be bothered and left it at home. Cheol-Woong was waiting in front of my apartment in his car. Cheol-Woong is a high school alumnus eight years my junior, and is an accountant. He enjoys workouts, and has played golf with me several times. When I told him I enjoyed hiking, he wanted to accom- pany me. So he joined me a few times. “It’s usually overcrowded during the weekends. Let’s park near the bathhouse.” There have been an increasing number of hikers recently, and it is not easy parking near the entry to the mountain.