MINI 10535 UOM 7/16/02 11:49 AM Page 1 UNAUTHORIZED OWNER’S MANUAL MINI 10535 UOM 7/16/02 11:49 AM Page 2 UNAUTHORIZED OWNER’S MANUAL This manual is not intended to help you understand the operation and maintenance of your motor vehicle. Rather, it is meant to provide you with invaluable information that would, under normal driving conditions, take most car owners months to discover for themselves. Information that has been painstakingly gleaned from many hours of vehicle operation. MINI 10535 UOM 7/16/02 11:49 AM Page 4 CONTENTS THE BASICS ICS The Basics Proper Use of Bumper Accelerator Wah-Wah Pedal 22-23 BAS The Boot, the Bonnet & Stickers 15-16 Essentials of Good Motoring Mojo Commander Cooper 4 BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI Detailing 4 Making Room for Romance Jump Starts 26 Assigned Cabin Seating 4-5 in your MINI Acknowledging Fellow Public Displays of Affection Motorers 26-27 Best Places to Stash Stuff (P.D.A.) 18 Sharing Your MINI 28 in your MINI The Backseat: CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI Coin Caddy 8 An Introduction 18 Troubleshooting Toll Ticket Cranny 8 Making Out in Your MINI 18 Rotating Your Shorts Glove/Ice Box Unisex Chivalry 18 in Public 30 Cooling/Heating Feature 8-9 Tips for Shameless Flirting Four Things You Should Never MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI Strategic Golf Club at Red Lights 18 do to Your MINI 31 Placement 9 Dating Tips for Married People 19 How to Fit a Bike 9 Unconventional Use of Headlamps Additional Reading 32 Secret Jogging Key Nook 10 to Attract Attention 20 MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI Additional Storage Info 10 Making Beautiful Music Customizing your MINI with your MINI Strumming on the Steering Motoring Accessories 12 ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO Making Your Own Dashboard Wheel 22 Figurines 13 Tapping on the Roof 22 Air Fresheners 14 Playing the Tubular Door Bezel 22 Cockpit Toggle Switch Activating the Turn Signals 22 Conversation Starters 15 Switching on the TROUBLESHOOTING Windshield Wipers 22 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH 2 3 MINI 10535 UOM 7/16/02 11:49 AM Page 6 THE BASICS THE BASICS ICS The Boot, the Bonnet Count of Countless Checkered Flags. well-motored life. Imagine it’s like tooling one is active while another is passive. BAS & Commander Cooper Translation, mates: this MINI’s a real around town in a Jackson Pollock original. In a MINI, all are actively engaged in With a British car comes some rather go-er. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say But every now and then, you may want the enjoyment of motoring. However, foreign English terminology. The following no more. Good show. Cheers. to start over with a clean canvas. there are a few specific responsibilities are a few terms you can now use to Detailing Step 2. Always use a soft sponge and mild by seat assignment: impress your "mates": The "boot" is the How to remove greasy prints, onlooker biodegradable soap. Land and sea creatures 1. Pilot/Motorer (a.k.a. El Capitan, bit around the back. It’s where you stick drool spatters and road grime to restore are our friends. Skipper, Mac Daddy). In charge of the cricket bats and the take-away fish- your MINI’s lustrous factory finish: Assigned Cabin Seating mechanical functions and direct n-chips. The "bonnet" is that brilliant Step 1. Maintain proper perspective. Technically speaking, everyone motors in operation of the motor vehicle. Period. piece of sculpted sheet metal symmetry MINI owners do not irrationally obsess a MINI. The conventional nomenclature 2. Navigator (a.k.a. Co-Pilot, First Mate, covering the Cooper (S) bits. That’s about such things. Bug guts on the grille of "driver" and "passenger" no longer Little Buddy). Responsible for: 1) Navi- "Commander John Cooper" to you and muddy fenders are signs of a healthy, applies because it segregates, implying gation. 2) Operation of MINI Magical cheeky Yank blokes— British Racing Motoring Ball (See fig. 12). 3) Fast food Royalty’s Monarch of Modified drive-thru item checklist and Beverage Transverse-Mounted Engines, Earl of Stabilization (BevStab). (See Fig. 3). 4) Acceleration, Duke of Hairpin Turns, Interior hood release. 5) Also in charge of stowing maps, souvenir snow globes, and scouting for photo op. locations. Fig. 3 Beverage Stabilization in Action. 3. Passengers (a.k.a. Crew, Backseat Notice how the passenger tilts the cup Drivers). In a MINI, suggestions from the precisely seven degrees (above) compen- peanut gallery are encouraged. Motoring sating for the centrifugal forces acting upon the beverage as a result of your is a democratic act. Tyrannical control MINI’s tight cornering performance (left). may lead to mutiny on the highway. 4. Cabin Attendants (a.k.a. Passengers). Responsible for in-flight meal and beverage service. And implementing emergency ©2002 The Pollock-Krasner Foundation / Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York comedic procedures in event of sudden loss of cabin levity. Fig. 1 MINI Inkblot Test – Seeing bug splatters is a healthy sign you’re discovering your MINI’s true personality. Fig. 2 Your MINI turns a car wash into a foam party! [Refer to Making Room for Romance Section] TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH 4 5 MINI 10535 UOM 7/16/02 11:49 AM Page 8 THE BASICS THE BASICS ICS BAS BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI STASH CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI MINIUSA.COM MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO TROUBLESHOOTING Fig. 4 Instead of calling "shotgun", call "slingshot". It’s a David and Goliath thing. Your MINI may be small, but it packs a punch. TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE 6 7 MINI 10535 UOM 7/16/02 11:49 AM Page 10 BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI ICS First things first. This book fits snugly BAS inside the case provided for your factory- authorized owner’s manual, and is designed to be stowed away in the glove box. Or conveniently left about on the STASH coffee table. 1. Coin Caddy Technically engineered as the beverage holder. Reinvented by resourceful you Fig. 6 Cooling/Heating Glove Box as the handy loose change receptacle. CAUTION: When parking in low-lit Strategic golf club placement urban areas, cover all exposed coinage With both rear seats folded down, your with cup. MINI can accommodate four golf bags comfortably. Unfortunately, this leaves 2. Toll Ticket Cranny no room to accommodate a foursome. Your MINI’s dashboard console features Recommended: with one rear seat folded four vertical slits (two within driver’s down, fit one to two bags lying angled reach, two for co-pilot assistance) for diagonally, and one to two golf buddies securing toll receipts and parking stubs. seated vertically. How to fit a bike: 3. The Glove Box 1. Adjust passenger’s side seat to furthest Re-engineered by MINI designers. 4. Door Cubby Cooling/Heating Feature forward non-reclining position. Because no one really keeps gloves in 2. Remove front wheel. Of BICYCLE! Accommodates: Turns your MINI’s glove box into a mini there anymore. Use it as a CD box. A 3. Lay the bike on the side opposite the 1 cell phone, PDA, or Travel Etch-a-Sketch, refrigerator for chilling contents to 50˚ toolbox. Or turn up the air conditioning, • rear derailleur rotating the handlebars depending on priorities. Fahrenheit. For emergency roadside and it’s a refrigerated icebox. counterclockwise until they are 3 pair sunglasses (optimists). candy bars and spare hero sandwiches. • parallel with the cargo area floor. 1 collapsible umbrella (pessimists). Your MINI goes great with mayo. Or • 4. Place front wheel in cargo area and activate the heater to warm contents close hatch. Fig. 7 Use floor space as parking citation crumple zone. from soup to nuts. (See Fig. 6) TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE 8 9 MINI 10535 UOM 7/16/02 11:49 AM Page 12 BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI THE BASICS ASICS Secret Jogging Key Nook The undercarriage of your MINI features a handy hideaway for stashing cumbersome key sets when you take a break from BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI motoring for a jog, bike ride, or skinny- STASH B dipping romp in the country. Place your hand just forward of either rear wheel near the rocker panel. Reach up and under the wheel well. You’ll find a flat CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI 4"X4" secret spot no one knows about CUSTOMIZE but you. And tens of thousands of fellow U.S. MINI owners. NOTE: Always perform a quick 360˚ visual scan to make sure no one is MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI watching you. (Fig. 8 & 9) Additional storage information Pizza Capacity: The passenger’s side floor accommodates four large pies stacked. MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI Fig. 8 & 9 The jogging key nook. ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO TROUBLESHOOTING TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE 10 11 MINI 10535 UOM 7/16/02 11:49 AM Page 14 CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI ASICS Motoring Accessories Fig. 11 Making Your Own Dashboard Figurines: Swivel-hipped hula girls and bobbing The Icons of Good Motoring Mojo doggie heads are standard equipment in many automobiles. But as a MINI owner, you may want to consider a few accessory STASH B options more suited to your motor vehicle’s premium performance prowess. CUSTOMIZE Chia Pet® is a registered trademark of Joseph Enterprises, Inc.