Adult Attachment and the Break-Up of Romantic Relationships Marian J. Bakermans-Kranenbwg Marinus H. van Uzendoora ABSTRACT. The study of the break-up of romantic relationships was integrated into research on adults' attachment representations. Eighty-three female subjects, currently married mothers of one child, werc given the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI; George, Kaplan, & Main, 1985), supplemented with questions about the break-up of rela- tionships with former husbands or boyfriends. Subjects who were classified äs Unresolved with respect to loss to death of a close person more often indicated that they had experienced the break-up of ro- mantic relationships and they also reported a larger number of former relationships. All subjects who had former romantic relationships in- dicated that they-and not their partners-decided to break up the rela- tionship. With a more exploratory aim, we examined whether the AAI scorhig System for unresolved loss (Main, DeMoss, & Hesse, 1991) could also be used for determining whether subjects have come to Marian J. Bakermans-Kranenburg, PhD, and Marinus H. van Uzendoorn, PhD, arc on the faculty of Centre for Child and Family Studies at Leiden University, P.O. Box 9555,2300 RB Leiden, The Netherlands. This research was supported by a Pioneer grant (No. PCS 59-256) from the Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research (NWO) to Marinus H. van Uzendoorn. We gratefully acknowledge the help of Corine de Ruiter, Marianne de Wolff, Carmen Joosten, Connie Kruse, Stella van Rijsoort, Hylda Zwart-Woudstra, and Mariska Zwinkels in collecting and coding the dala. We also thank Francisca Bijkerk, Bart Bosman, Dineke den Boer, Ciska Dijkstra, Bertilla van den Boven- kamp, and Adinda van Veen for transcribing the Interviews. We extend special thanks to the subjects who participated in the study. Address correspondence to Marian J. Bakermans-Kranenburg, Centre for Child and Family Studies, Leiden University, P.O. Box 9555, NL-2300 RB Lei- den, The Netherlands. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, Vol. 27 (3/4) 1997 © 1997 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved. 727 722 JOURNAL OF DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE terms with the break-up of a romantic relationship. Although scores could be assigned reliably, results could not easily be interpreted: Subjects who were classified äs unresolved with respect to the break- up of a romantic relationship appeared to be more sociable, and less fearful. Subjects who were classified äs unresolved due to a loss through death were more often classified äs not unresolved regarding the break-up of their romantic relationships. [Artide copies available for a fee fmm The Haworth Document Deliveiy Service: 1-800-342-9678. E-mail address: [email protected]] In attachment theory and research, amplc attention has been given to experiences of loss. One volume of John Bowlby's trilogy "Attachment and Loss" was entirely devoted to this topic (Bowlby, 1980). Bowlby (1980, p. 18) defmed mourning äs "the psychological processes, con- scious and unconscious, that are set in train by the loss of a loved object and that commonly lead to the relinquishing of the object." He outlined four phases that occur in normal grieving of individuals who respond to the loss of a close relative: (1) shock and numbness, (2) searching and yearning, (3) disorganization and despair, and (4) reorientation and reorga- nization. In healthy mourning, the individual gradually comes to recognize and accept that the loss is permanent and comes to a redefmition of him- self äs well äs of his Situation. For instance, no longer is a man who lost his wife a husband but a widower; no longer is he one of a pair with comple- mentary roles but a singleton (Bowlby, 1980, p. 94). In recent years, the development of the Adult Attachment Interview (George, Kaplan, & Main, 1985)-an Instrument to assess adults' mental representations of attachment relationships-enabled researchers to sys- tcmatically examine subjects' continuing unresolved states of mind with respect to experiences of loss through death. Main, DeMoss and Hesse (1991) developed a scale to assess lack of resolution of mourning äs appearing from individuals' response to questions about experiences of loss through death of significant figures. The scale focuses on indications of mental disorganization and disorientation, which seem to reflect Bowlby's phases of searching and yearning, disorganization and despair. Such in- dications are, for instance, lapses in the monitoring of reasoning (äs is implied in the disbelief that the person is dead, or in the feeling of being causal in the death where no material cause is present), or lapses in the monitoring of discourse (äs implied by unusual attention to details sur- rounding the death, or sudden changes of topic or moves away from the topic). Several studies have reported on the association between parents' unresolved states of mind and their children's disorganized/disoriented behavior in the Strange Situation (Ainsworth & Eichberg, 1991; Levine, Marion J. Bakermans-Kranenbwg and Marinus H. van Uzendoorn 123 Tuber, Slade, & Ward, 1991; Radojevic, 1994; for a meta-analysis see van Uzendoorn, 1995). The potential influence of loss of a partner through divorce or through the break-up of a (premarital) romantic relationship has, however, been given less attention by attachment researchers. Hazan and Shaver (1987) conceptualized romantic love äs an attachment process, applying Bowlby's and Ainsworth's ideas and fmdings to the domain of adult love. They translated Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, and WalPs (1978) descriptions of infant attachment categories into terms appropriatc to adult love and asked subjects via a newspaper questionnaire to classify themselves and to an- swer some questions about thcir most important love relationship, which could be eithcr a past or a current relationship (see also Feeney, 1994; Feeney & Noller, 1990; 1991). Hazan and Shaver (1987) found that a smaller percentage of the self-classified secure group had been divorced than of the self-classified insecure groups. It is, however, still unclear how the outcome of their self-report attachment style questionnaire is related to the assessment of subjects' attachment representations by means of the AAI (Crowell et al., 1993; De Haas, Bakermans-Kranenburg, & van Uzen- dooni, 1994). Researchers studying issues related to Separation and divorce align the experiences of Separation and divorce with experiences of loss through death more often than attacliment researchers seein to do. Weiss (1979a) noted that when marital Separation occurred, adults exhibit Symptoms of "Separation distress" similar to the Symptoms exhibited by young children who have lost an attachment figure. Hansen and Shireman (1986) describe the mouming process after a divorce äs "mourning the death of a marriage and the loss of a living partner" (p. 326). Hence, most researchers who study subjects' adjustment processes after divorce or Separation seek al- liance with theories about mourning after a loss through death. Wiseman (1975), for instance, paired the five stages of mourning dcscribed by Kubler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance; Kub- ler-Ross, 1969) with the process of divorce, and Crosby, Gage, and Ray- mond (1983) empirically found evidence that their subjects, who had experienced Separation and divorce, displayed a sequence of feelings and behavior according to Kubler-Ross' stages. Gray and Shields (l 992) used Bowlby's theory of mourning to develop a questionnaire to measure phases of mourning in 123 separatcd or divorced adults. Ncarly all of them could be classified according to Bowlby's phases, and a streng relation was found between length of time of physical Separation and phase classi- fication. A number of researchers report that the bereavcment process through 124 JOURNAL OF DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE which divorced and widowed people move has several similar characteris- tics (e.g., Marris, 1974; Parkes, 1972; Weiss, 1979b), but the two groups differ äs well. Crosby et al. (1983) note that the distinguishing characteris- tic between death and divorce concerns "responsibility." Death bereave- ment lacks the element of choice which is a sine qua non to divorce. They state that in divorce there is always an element of questiouing which is addressed to the central issue, i.e., "Am I doing the right thing?" (p. 16). That may coinplicate the process of mourning. Petiet (1984) found that separated and divorced women were more depressed than widowed women. Kitston, Lopata, Holmes, and Meyerking (1980) report that both groups feit that they had to make their own lives after the loss, but lhat the divorced were more likely to be ambivalent toward their ex-spouses than the wid- owed, and that therefore divorce may actually be the more difficult to adjust to. However, divorcees who report that it was their husbands who most wanted the divorce drew a more positive picture of their spouses than did those women who indicated that they themselves most wanted the divorce. This suggests that adjustment after Separation or divorce might be different for those who initiated the break-up of their relationship than for those who were confronted with a partner who did not want to continue the relationship. It may also be the case that certain aspects of personality (e.g., temperament) affect the process of coming to terms with the break- up of a romantic relationship. The breaking-up before marriage is generally less stressful than the experience of marital disruption. Nevertheless, in essence the same pro- cesses of grief and adjustment may occur. Hill, Rubin, and Peplau (1976), who investigated break-ups before marriage among a large sam- ple of College students, report that such a break-up can be a traumatic experience indeed. Unfortunately, they obtained reports of emotional reactions from both partners one year after the break-up of only 15 couples. These data suggest that men were hit harder than women by the break-up, but due to the small number of reports, it remains unclear whether significant differences between the breaker-upper and the bro- ken-up-with existed.