Commonwealth of Massachusetts vs. Bernard “Cheap Shot” Pollard On a snowy January day in Foxboro, Massachusetts the New England Patriots and Baltimore Ravens played for the right to participate in the NFL’s 2016 Super Bowl. The teams had a rather acrimonious recent history, and on this occasion the two teams were locked in a fierce back-and-forth struggle. The game was made even more intense by the late season reacquisition by the Ravens of Bernard Pollard and the acquittal and re-signing of Aaron Hernandez by the Patriots. Late in the 4th quarter, the Ravens went on a 99-yard drive, capped by a 17-yard Ray Rice (shockingly re-signed midseason) touchdown run that put Baltimore ahead 30-24. With 1:17 remaining, the Pats drove the field for what could be the winning touchdown. A Gronkowski catch placed the ball on the Ravens’ 4-yard line, and after two incomplete passes, it remained 3rd and goal with 18 seconds left in the contest. On third down, Patriots QB Tom Brady rolled out to his right, and Ravens safety Bernard Pollard pursued him. Finding nobody open, Brady threw the ball away. Still continuing to run at the QB, Pollard blasted Brady with a head-to-head hit some 3.2 seconds after the whistle blew. Brady collapsed to the ground in a heap, unconscious and very obviously hurt. While Bernard Pollard did his rendition of the ‘Ray Lewis Shake,’ paramedics rushed to Brady’s side, only to discover him bleeding and unresponsive. They carefully carted him from the playing field. Pollard was given a personal foul and ejected from the game. With a new set of downs, the Patriots sent in untested backup Jimmy Garoppolo, who promptly threw a pick-six, allowing Baltimore to win 37-24. (The 49ers exacted revenge in the subsequent Super Bowl, winning 91- 3, despite a sewage leak in the Meadowlands caused by Jets ownership flushing more money down the toilet that delayed the third quarter for nine hours) Subsequent tests revealed that Tom Brady had sustained a C-2 spinal cord injury, and would likely never walk again. In reviewing the tape, the NFL concluded that Pollard had violated several rules, including rules against helmet-to-helmet hits, targeting a defenseless player, late hits, and excessive celebration and taunting. Given the lateness of the hit and the substantial nature of the injury, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell fined Pollard $650,000 and suspended him for 15 games, with the possibility of reinstatement upon successful petition. Upon consideration of the evidence, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts began an investigation as to whether to file criminal proceedings against Bernard Pollard for first-degree battery. The relevant criminal statutes state that: Battery: “Whosoever shall unlawfully and maliciously by any means whatsoever wound or cause any grievous bodily harm to any person, with intent to do some grievous bodily harm to any person, or with intent to resist or prevent the lawful apprehension or detainer of any person, shall be guilty of.” Consent: “Consent shall be a lawful defense against battery if such consent is knowingly and freely given… The jury may judge consent by examining the totality of the circumstances and actions but also taking particular interest in: a) contractual terms that would shed light on the matter b) agreed upon rules that govern the interaction c) widely accepted conventions that govern such encounters d) previous history of such action and the actions and reactions of the parties in these circumstances” Deposition Statement of Bernard “Cheap Shot!” Pollard I’m a football player. That’s what I do. I play DEE-FENSE! I’m not some wimpy QB, little running back or flash in the pan receiver. I play free safety, which means I get paid to blow people up! And son, I blow people up like Hiroshima AND Nagasaki! If you don’t play with intensity, with violence, with anger and with emotion, then ‘NFL’ will stand for “not for long.” Am I sad at what happened to Tom? Yes, but look, we’re both professionals playing a sport that we all know is violent. People get hurt- heck I’ve been hurt before, and Brady should remember that he got his start in the league because the guy who played in front of him –Drew Bledsoe- got hurt by a huge hit that may have been illegal. That’s just the nature of the game. Just because Tom can’t play anymore doesn’t mean that “Cheap Shot” should spend a day in jail. We had been trying to get to The Show, the Super Bowl. Just like last year, the Patriots stood in our way. This year, again, we felt like we had the horses to get the job done. We played them in the regular reason, and one of their tight ends, Gronkowski, cheap- shotted me in the first quarter. The play was over and he dove at my knees, and he caused me to have a bad knee sprain, which made me lose the next three weeks of action. To make matters worse, I saw that on his waist towel he had written “Cheap Shot,” and as I lay writhing on the ground, he pulled a Sharpie out of his sock and crossed out my name and then Tom Brady came over and gave him a high-five. I recovered a fumble, had a pick and nine tackles at that point, and this was their way of putting me out of the game. I didn’t complain; I just manned up, did my rehab and came back even more beast than before I left. Beast mode! BEAST MOOOOODE! In the weeks leading up the AFC Championship Game, there was a lot of talk. Tom Brady had even mocked the dance of my hero and mentor Ray Lewis at the end of their overtime win over the Jaguars. When Ray died of a deer antler and orangutan pancreas poisoning, it tore me up inside, so I dedicated this season to the memory of Ray. When, later that week, Gronkowski made a joke about Ray’s criminal past, my intensity went to DEFCON five million. Five. Million. You know what? That’s football- BRING IT! In response to this, my defensive coordinator put up “WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE: TOM BRADY” posters around the locker room. Me and some of my fellow defensive players started a pool for who would have the best game: the most sacks, the most tackles, the most big plays. When the D-coordinator found out, he walked up to the guy holding the pool jar, pulled out $400 and said, “this goes to the man who sends Brady home in an ambulance… or better yet, a body bag!” We were all geeked up for the game, and I could practically taste the blood in the water. I was a soldier in the midst of battle, drawing stremf –yeah, I said STREMF!!- from the smell of napalm and gunpowder. I’m a soldier, man, a SOLDIER! It was a hard-hitting game, and we all played to the extreme. TO THE EXTREME, BRO! On more than one occasion, as I prepared to stuff the run, one of their receivers would illegally cut block my knees or grab my facemask. On another play, when I got pushed to the ground Tom Brady intentionally mashed my hand and wrist with his UGGs cleats. You know what? That was not unusual… He feared the Cheap Shot, and was trying to either intimidate me or get me out of the game. On the fateful play, everyone was obviously in an extreme emotional state. We needed a goal line stand to make it to the Super Bowl, so you knew that we were going to bring it. WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE! On first down, Gronkowski gave me an illegal cut block, and it hurt my knee real bad, so I had to leave the field for a play. I came back in on third down, and then on the snap of the ball I dropped back into coverage. When I saw Brady scramble to his right, my adrenaline and mojo got cracked up from Level Extreme to Level Preposterous, and I flew at him like a missile. I’m not sure what happened exactly, but I nailed that fool with the best hit in NFL history. His mouthpiece went in one direction, his helmet flew off, and I could hear his jaw crack in half. It was intense... and AWESOME! I was so amped up that I gave a huge Ray Lewis dance to let the crowd know the score. Me 1, New England 0!! Football is a rough sport, and Tom knew that when he laced on his shoes that day. What I don’t understand is how the NFL can promote me on the cover of Madden Football, make me a prominent part of their NFL’s Biggest Hits videos, and make the physicality of the sport a central part of its marketing campaign and then punish me for putting Brady on the Pain Train to Miseryville. Besides, it’s not like Brady was innocent in all of this. He told Gronk to cheap shot me, and in the NFL it is accepted that you prevent people from cheap-shotting you by letting it be known that you will take a brother out! Tom Brady acted like a jive turkey, and on this day Cheap Shot decided it was Thanksgiving. I carved that fool up! Gobble-gobble, sucka. Word. Cheap Shot, out! Deposition of Pat Ridonculosity, Director of Marketing for the NFL For the 2015-2016 NFL season, the NFL decided on a marketing campaign called “ChamPAINship: You Gotta Want It!” We focused on two things.