Parenting After Separation (PAS) Parent’s Guide Family Justice Services Parenting After Separation Program page 1 TABLE OF CONTENTS Parenting Plan Outline . 9 Section 1 — Relationship Building Blocks Attachment and Relationships . 11 Healthy Parenting . 12 Healthy Co-parenting . 14 Keeping Both Parents Involved . 16 FAQs about Relationship Building . 17 Handout — Recognizing High Conflict Coparental Relationships . 21 Handout — Recognizing Abusive Relationships . 22 Parenting Plan Reflective Questions — Relationships . 24 Section 2 — Children Can Cope with Separation and Divorce Effects of Parental Separation or Divorce on Children . 25 Ways to Promote Positive Coping . 28 FAQs about Promoting Coping . 31 Handout — Recognizing your Child’s Temperament . 35 Handout — Age-by-Age Guideline: Children’s Reactions and How to Help . 38 Parenting Plan Reflective Questions — Children . 46 Section 3 — Learning your Way Around the Legal System The Divorce Process and Legal Terminology . 47 Dispute Resolution Process . 50 FAQs about Legal Process . 51 Handout — Steps in the Court Process . 55 Handout — Dispute Resolution Processes . 56 Parenting Plan Reflective Questions- Legal Issues . 59 Contents Contents Section 4 — Parenting Plans that Work for Your Family What is a Parenting Plan . 61 Parts of a Parenting Plan . 61 One Way to Develop a Parenting Plan . 63 Parenting Arrangements . 64 Giving Children a Say . 65 FAQs — Parenting Plans . 66 Parenting Plan Reflective Questions — parenting plans . 71 Handout — Preparing For Your Parenting Plan . 72 Handout — Parenting Plan Worksheet . 81 Important Information Whom to Call . 98 Telling Your child about the Separation or Divorce . 102 Building Resilience in Children . 104 Building Better Brains . 107 Court Process Flow Chart . 108 You and Your Family Law Lawyer . 109 Canadian Federal Child Support Tables . 115 Calculation of Child Support Examples . 130 Getting Help with Child Support Calculations . 132 The Role of the Maintenance Enforcement Program . 133 Suggested Reading for Parents . 135 Suggested Reading for Teens . 139 Suggested Reading for Children . 142 Legal Terminology and Family Justice Services Glossary . 146 Website References . 155 Contents INTRODUCTION Parenting After Separation is a six-hour course, The PAS course is composed of four sections: offered by Alberta Family Justice for parents and 1. Relationship Building Blocks guardians who are separating or divorcing . The 2. Children Can Cope with Separation And purpose of the course is to help you understand Divorce the legal process of separation (or divorce), the way your children are likely to feel and behave, 3. Learning Your Way Around The Legal and what you need to know so you can make System positive choices about how you will continue to 4. Parenting Plans That Work For Your parent your children, separately and together . Family The course explains how you can stay focused on Information in this parent’s guide is organized what your children need even when it is difficult by these 4 topics and corresponds to what you to do so, whether you were married or never will hear about in class . There are handouts lived together . in this guide that you will discuss or work on The PAS course will help you to: during class . There is also a section of material • Know what is coming in the legal called Important Information that contains more process of separation or divorce; information about child support, recommended reading lists for parents and children, • Learn about dispute resolution options recommended websites, etc . As you move that are available to you; through your process of separation or divorce, • Learn parenting and co-parenting skills it will be helpful to refer back to these extra that help children adjust after parental materials as different questions come up that you separation or divorce; want to know more about than was covered in • Understand how children at different the course . The materials are also available online ages respond to separation or divorce, at: www.albertacourts.ab.ca. warning signs of stress at each age, and learn what you can do to help your children cope; • Prepare a parenting plan — an agreement between parents about how they will raise their children going forward. Parenting After Separation Program page 1 Introduction Sources of Information and Expertise The 2011 Parenting After Separation (PAS) curriculum was revised and adapted by Marsha Kline Pruett, Ph .D . and Rachel Ebling, Ph .D . from the original PAS curriculum, which was developed by Family Justice Services in Alberta in 2007 . Oversight and approval for the PAS revision was provided by the PAS Provincial Steering Committee . Funding for revisions was provided by the Norlien Foundation, Inc ., with administrative oversight generously provided by Kate Pedlow . PAS Provincial Steering Committee Recognition to: Justice Donna C . Read Frances Amery, Mediator/PAS Instructor Justice Monica Bast Ruth Fast, Solicitor Legislative Reform Judge Todd LaRochelle Brad Kring, Legal Counsel, Court Services Gordon Andreiuk, Lawyer/PAS Instructor Colleen Nicholls, FJS Manager Deb Eresman, Mediator FJS Diane Shearer, FJS Senior Manager Yogesh Gupta, FJS Manager, Jennifer Wells, Mediator/PAS Instructor Donna Moorgen, FJS Manager Raelene Noti, FJS Manager Bernice Rawes, FJS Manager page 2 Family Justice Services Introduction Written Sources Sources for the original PAS curriculum are listed within that curriculum . The 2011 PAS curriculum includes new material written by Drs . Pruett and Ebling, as well as material based on the following sources: Barrette, P .A . (1986) . Positive Parenting During Separation and Divorce: A Practical Guide for Ex-Spouses. Ontario: Reconcilable Differences . Hartson, J . & Payne, B . (2006) . Creating Effective Parenting Plans: A Developmental Approach for Lawyers and Divorce Professionals. Chicago, IL: American Bar Association . Lyster, M . (2003) . Child Custody: Building parenting agreements that work (4th ed.) . Berkeley, CA: Nolo . Mercer, D . & Pruett, M .K . (2001) . Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce . New York: Fireside . Parenting After Separation For Your Child’s Future: A Handbook for Parents. British Columbia, Ministry of Attorney General, 2007 . Pedro-Carroll, J . (2010) . Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce. New York: Penguin Group . Ricci, I . (1997, revised edition) . Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child. New York: Fireside . Additional Sources Written material by K .M . Nielsen, M .Ed ., R .S .W . was used with permission from The Family Centre, Edmonton, Alberta Excerpts from the film Kramer vs. Kramer (1979) were used with courtesy from Columbia Pictures . Excerpts from Flexible, Fearful or Feisty were used with courtesy from the California Department of Education . Parenting After Separation Program page 3 KEY POINTS Section 1: Relationship Building Blocks ›› Parental separation and divorce can be ›› Coparenting means that both parents an especially stressful time for children maintain a shared focus on their child’s because children lose some amount of well-being and encourage a respectful view time with at least one of their parents of the other parent . It also means that each and many changes occur in their family all parent actively supports the other parent’s at once . When children feel secure that time and involvement with their child — their parents love them and will continue “opening the gate” to the other parent to care for them and be available to so that children don’t feel they have to them in a consistent way, this creates a choose — and lose . healthy “attachment” to parents (or other caregivers) who are of primary importance ›› While many children have difficulties in a child’s life . The children who appear following their parents’ separation or most vulnerable to developing problems divorce — including sad, angry, confused, are those who experience many changes worried, and scared feelings and behaviors and transitions during childhood (e .g ., that get them into trouble — most children divorces, remarriages, moves, changing learn to deal with the changes in their schools) . family . With time and continued support from their parents, they can grow up to be ›› There are ways parents can co-parent as happy and healthy as children whose together and parent individually that parents did not separate or divorce . are especially important for helping children cope with the stresses of parental separation or divorce . This class will teach you about attitudes and behaviors that you can adopt in the here and now . Parenting After Separation Program page 5 Key Points Introduction Section 2: Children Can Cope With Separation And Divorce ›› Children often feel a great deal of stress ›› Children often have difficulties adjusting when parents separate and it’s up to the to change and transitions between parents to make it as painless as possible parents and houses in the early stages of for them . Try not to put your children in separation, even when parents cooperate the middle of adult conflicts or expect your well and there is a minimum of conflict child to be a friend or caretaker of you . about parenting decisions . These transition difficulties are not necessarily the fault of ›› Anticipate what will be most difficult the other parent . If you can work together for your child based on your knowledge as co-parents