University of Massachusetts Amherst ScholarWorks@UMass Amherst Doctoral Dissertations 1896 - February 2014 1-1-1993 The lives of people born after the death of a sibling. Debra, Boltas University of Massachusetts Amherst Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations_1 Recommended Citation Boltas, Debra,, "The lives of people born after the death of a sibling." (1993). Doctoral Dissertations 1896 - February 2014. 1196. https://scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations_1/1196 This Open Access Dissertation is brought to you for free and open access by ScholarWorks@UMass Amherst. It has been accepted for inclusion in Doctoral Dissertations 1896 - February 2014 by an authorized administrator of ScholarWorks@UMass Amherst. For more information, please contact [email protected]. THE LIVES OF PEOPLE BORN AFTER THE DEATH OF A SIBLING A Dissertation Presented by DEBRA BOLTAS Submitted to the Graduate School of the University of Massachusetts in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY May 1993 Department of Psychology Copyright by Debra Boltas 1993 All Rights Reserved THE LIVES OF PEOPLE BORN AFTER THE DEATH OF A SIBLING A Dissertation Presented by DEBRA BOLTAS Approved as to style and content by: Richard Halgin, Chflfir David M. Todd, Member 2 f Ronnie i -Bulman , Member Murray Ml Schwartz, (Member ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I would like to express my appreciation to Richard Halgin, who chaired my committee, and who provided constant encouragement, support, and enthusiasm for this project. He has been a wise and valued mentor. I also would like to thank the other members of my committee: David Todd, Ronnie Janof f-Bulman, and Murray Schwartz. Each has played an integral role in my graduate training, and each in his or her own way has provided a refuge for both intellectual and emotional renewal. I also would like to thank Karen Haeberle and Jeff Lukens, who as supervisors have taught me how to think about people and their unconscious processes, and who as friends and colleagues have spent endless hours talking with me about how I might understand the experiences of those who participated in this study. Finally, I would like to thank Hanlyn Davies, who has provided advice and support throughout this project. The depth of his understanding, clarity of his perceptions, and integrity of his beliefs, have enriched my life and my work. iv ABSTRACT THE LIVES OF PEOPLE BORN AFTER THE DEATH OF A SIBLING MAY 1993 DEBRA BOLTAS, B.S UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND M.S • / UNIVERSITY OF MASSACHUSETTS Ph.D • / UNIVERSITY OF MASSACHUSETTS Directed by: Professor Richard Halgin, Ph.D. This study was undertaken to address the dearth of research literature devoted to the lives of people born after the death of a sibling. The literature in related areas, such as maternal grief, allows us to speculate that "subsequent children" will have difficulties associated with being born to grieving, and therefore depressed and preoccupied mothers, as well as difficulties related to feeling compared to their dead siblings. In this study fifteen subsequent children were asked to talk about their memories, thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies regarding themselves and others. Only a few of the participants were consciously aware of feeling compared to their dead siblings during their growing up years. However, most had difficulties around feeling evaluated in general, and many tended to think of themselves as failures, at least in the eyes of their parents. All had fantasized about their dead siblings, usually as being nurturers and protectors. Most reported feeling unnoticed and uncared for while they were growing up. They often suffered from V depression, particularly during adolescence. Most had not developed a solid sense of their own identities and they often had difficulty forming intimate relationships. Few participants had talked about their thoughts and feelings regarding their dead siblings prior to being interviewed. The importance of giving voice to the thoughts, feelings, and fantasies of these subsequent children is discussed, as are possible interventions in their lives. Issues that may arise in psychotherapy with subsequent children also are addressed. vi TABLE OF CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ABSTRACT LIST OF TABLES PREFACE Chapter I. INTRODUCTION II. MOTIVATION FOR MOTHERHOOD . Narcissistic Motivation for Motherhood 13 Stages of Pregnancy 15 Implications for Pregnancies After the Death of a Child 21 III. GRIEF IN GENERAL 22 Ambivalence and Pathological Grief 31 Symptoms of Grief 35 Implications for Maternal Grief and the Subsequent Child 37 IV. MATERNAL GRIEF IN PARTICULAR 41 Implications for the Subsequent Child 47 V. THE SUBSEQUENT PREGNANCY 50 Implications for the Subsequent Child 57 VI. THE SUBSEQUENT CHILD 59 VII. METHOD 69 The Participants 69 The Interviews 72 Approach to the Data 76 VIII. THE LIVES OF PEOPLE BORN AFTER THE DEATH OF A SIBLING: TWO CASES 81 Case One: Peter 82 Case Two: Jennifer 100 Summary 119 vii IX. SILENT ECHOES: HOW FAMILIES REMEMBER AND DISCUSS THEIR DEAD CHILDREN 121 Touchable Objects 3^21 Displayed Mementoes 124 Forbidden Territory 129 Rituals ] [ 132 The Link between Mementoes, Acknowledgement/ ' and Curiosity 132 X. REVERBERATIONS: HOW SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN EXPERIENCE THEIR FAMILIES 142 Parental Violence 143 Maternal Distress ! ! ! 147 Paternal Distress ' 151 Emotional Distance 154 Enmeshed Relationships 151 Normalcy 155 XI • RAMIFICATIONS: THE LIVES OF SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN 167 Depression 157 The Search for Core Vitality 172 Symbolic Expression 178 The Invisible Child 183 Loneliness and Isolation 186 Dependency and Intimacy 189 The Search for Protection 194 Separation Issues 198 Competition and Guilt 202 The Self as Failure 208 The Search for the Ideal Family 209 XII, CONCLUSIONS 212 Summary 212 The Possibilities for Intervention 220 APPENDIX: SEMI-STRUCTURED INTERVIEW 224 REFERENCES: 229 viii LIST OF TABLES Table Page 1. The Subsequent Children and Their Dead Siblings . 73 ix PREFACE My sister died almost two years before I was born. This fact was of little significance to me until, as a graduate student, I went to a study group presentation on Vincent Van Gogh's self portraits. During this presentation, the speaker referred to the fact that Vincent had been born after the death of his brother, and that he had sometimes referred to this brother in his letters to his other brother, Theo. I was both startled and intrigued as the group discussion shifted to the possible effects his brother's death might have had on Vincent's life. As the discussion progressed, it became apparent to me that the consequences of his brother's death were viewed as potentially quite significant for Vincent. As others talked, I began to wonder how my sister's death might have affected my life. That was the beginning of my personal and professional interest in what it might mean to be born after the death of a sibling. What follows is a study based on my interest in this area. Because I, too, am a "subsequent child," this study has raised many interesting questions for me. It has forced me to address the overlap between my personal and my professional life, and particularly my responsibilities as a researcher in an area that has personal meaning to me. I believe that it is important for researchers to know the biases we bring with us to our work. These biases have X the potential to enhance or impede our understanding of the phenomena we are studying. where clinically-oriented interpretations are being made, it is particularly important that our biases be acknowledged, so that our readers can judge for themselves the soundness of our work. The fact that I have a shared experience with the people I have interviewed for this study has at times been a help, and at other times a hindrance to me. My personal experience has helped me to stay invested in this research project over the two years since its inception. It has helped me to listen to the stories of the people I have interviewed, and to feel connected to their various struggles. I have seen a part of myself in each of them. At the same time, because I share some of the issues common among subsequent children, such as a fear that I am betraying my family by putting words to my experience, there were times when I had difficulty going to the heart of what was being communicated to me. With each obstacle to my understanding, I was forced to look inside myself for the issues and conflicts in my own life that were blocking my ability to understand what was being said. Each time that I was able to resolve my own conflicts, I was able to arrive at a clearer understanding of myself, and to listen more clearly to the people whom I had interviewed. It is my hope that I have used my clinical training, as well as my self-understanding, to relay to the reader both XI " the uniqueness, and the similarity, of the people I have interviewed. Ultimately, it will be up to the reader to decide if the data I have collected and interpreted elucidate the issues associated with being a subsequent child. It is perhaps noteworthy that participating in this study was a turning point for several of the people I interviewed. These people said that talking to me was the first time that they had ever put words to the thoughts and feelings they had about their dead brothers and sisters, and the effects of the death of these brothers and sisters on their own lives. Participating in this study allowed these people to acknowledge their curiosity and concerns, and to be validated in their feelings. I have found that as I continue to talk about this research, many people respond by saying that either they, or one of their family members, were born after the death of a sibling.