Slices of “The Big Apple” This is New York City An anthology of Wit, Reflections & Amusements Cliff Strome Licensed NYC Private Tour Guide 1 Slices of “The Big Apple” This is New York City An anthology of Wit, Reflections & Amusements Cliff Strome Licensed NYC Private Tour Guide 2 Cliff Strome, is a Licensed New York City Guide, recipient of The City of New York Dept. of Consumer Affairs highest rating, nominated Best Private NYC Tour Guide by The Association of New York Hotel Concierges (2011 and 2014), awarded The TripAdvisor Certificate of Excellence (2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 & 2017,). Cliff has achieved the highest percentage of five star reviews (Excellent) on TripAdvisor, at the rate of 99% based on over 500 reviews. [email protected] www.customandprivate.com Cliff Strome 382 Central Park West New York, NY 10025 212-222-1441 March 2018 3 For Aline My wife, my candle, the light of my life. 4 Table of Slices Introduction 8 Chapter I “No! You Go!” 9 The Legally Blind Woman 17 “Can’t Go To Motor Vehicle Without a Pen!” 14 Dr. Bartha vs. Big Bertha 20 Acts of Kindness, a 1,000 Minute 27 “I’m one of the Owners” 32 “They Better Not!” 37 220 Central Park South 40 Chapter II My Playbook 1 in 8,300,000 45 “Friend of the House” 51 Singles “Seen” 57 One of These Glasses is Not Like the Other 70 A Tree Doesn’t Grow in Central Park 75 “I Got Interests on Both Sides” 78 “Instant Funship” 96 The 47th St. Diamond Dealer Extraordinaire! 103 It Takes a Key For a “Village” a duh! 108 Going Postal 111 The Right Prescription at the Wrong Price 117 The Butterfly Cut 121 Outa Sight and Outa Mind 127 Eight Strokes of Luck 134 “Life On a Roll”(s) Royce 150 What a Main Break for You! 162 Chapter III 5 Opinions & Perspectives Take a Stroll in Greenwood 172 What’s So Great About Central Park Anyway? 177 Subways, Love or Hate 185 Take Back a Piece of New York City in Your Heart 204 Eastside, Westside, Bestside? 216 New York Tawk 222 Starbucks 236 Chapter IV “Gotcha Last!” 6’5” vs. 5’6” 242 From Lease to Leashes 249 Some Dumb Sun 256 The Mis-Guided Russian Guide 271 Juan Comes Back Home 276 The Free Bulgari! 284 Canon Fires a Dud! 290 Hanging Out and in the “Clink” 300 A Tale of Insurance and Drivers 306 Chapter V Thoughts & Reflections Brooklyn: Once Fear, Now, it’s Never Too Near! 316 Who’s Your Neighbor? 323 Who’s Bored in New York City? 326 Graffiti Now and Then 329 6 Going, Going, Gone! 336 Why is New York City so Special? 347 Who Goes to Coney Island for “Nothing”? 362 Brooklyn is “Sweet ‘n’ Low” 367 Beggars, Panhandlers and the Homeless 371 There’s Propulsion for us “Somewhere” 385 Horn Honking and Other Needless Noises 389 Hallowed Ground . Zero 398 Not Every New Yorker is so Smart 406 Chapter VI Other Experiences “Fraud Alert!” 410 “Darling, I’m about to be Arrested!” 419 New York City in a Blizzard 421 Back to the Future with a Metro Card 426 Chapter VII So Now You Know Mannahatta, My O’ My. Have you Changed! 431 Neighborhood Names, More Than You Know! 435 Wait! Even tho’ the Sign Says “WALK”! 443 Shop Smart 446 Crime, Way Down and “How”! 455 Food Shopping Manhattan-Style 465 Take a Hike and Watch for the Bike! 507 Why Did New York City Get so Big? 474 From Zigzag to Straight and Flat 481 Parking Signs are Rocket Science 485 Numbers? Go figure 490 A Few Parting Thoughts 494 7 INTRODUCTION From the heart and through the eyes drawn from the mind, body and soul of a lifelong New Yorker, one who has always had an active life, relentlessly seeking extraordinary encounters, incessantly expressing eccentric and amusing perspectives, initiating countless humorous conversations and situations, reacting in an offbeat and unexpected manner to the antics of others, this anthology has been written defining New York City as never before. Come and take this “tour” of New York City with me. Surely, you’ll be amazed, entertained and amused. You are about to experience “The City” up close in the most entertaining and memorable way. If you love folklore, hilarious situations, everyday life, twists and turns, humor that gets you thinking and laughing, sometimes at the same time, delve into perspectives on urban life, new spins from the pavement, craziness, seldom known historical factoids, trivia, wisdom, stupidity, anger, wacko but, as times sensible, opinions and the unusual and unexpected, then this “tour” is yours to enjoy. Experience “The City” in completely new ways. Slices, is a compilation of life experiences, opinions and reflections, all peppered with armchair wisdom fascinating trivia, humor and good fun. If you love life, people and New York City be prepared to spend some well-spent time. Enjoy and please don’t take everything too seriously. Tourly yours, Cliff Strome 8 Chapter I Just for Openers ************************* “No! You go!” Driving in Manhattan is spiked with numerous insanities. Anyone can who has been here can write a paper on the subject even if they’ve never driven a car. Aside from the maddening traffic, the gridlock, lousy drivers, taxi drivers, insane Uber, Lyft and Via drivers, who happen to think that they own the road with zero experience driving in New York City along with pedestrians texting their way across the street against the light, messenger cyclists, truck drivers, pedicab suicidal crazies, skateboarders and baby carriages and pedestrians, this place is a vast expanse of madness on the pavement. Recently, I took my Fiat to the dealer to pick up a car cover. My red Fiat cabriolet convertible is my toy. I love it! Upon exiting the Westside Highway at 96th Street I encountered a bit of slow moving traffic piling up on the way to the intersection at West End Avenue, known to be a busy intersection with a traffic signal that that is timed to provide a long wait. No one was moving. Suddenly, a car pulled up on my right and vectored at an angle toward the front of my car in an apparent attempt to get in front of me. I tapped my gas pedal to ensure that this intruder was not going to succeed in encroaching ahead of me. Glancing at him I had noticed he had been talking to me but was unheard. I opened my window and he told me, “Don’t be foolish because I’d hate to damage 9 your cute little car while you attempt to prevent me from cutting in.” “I’d hate to knock into your car, too.” I told him. “I was ahead of you,” he retorted. “In what dream?” I replied and chucked. He laughed too. Then I told him, “If you are really in a rush, fine! Go ahead help yourself! I insisted. A few moments later the traffic ahead of us started to move forward and the two of us were “neck and neck.” He waived me on to proceed first! I did the same for him and as a result we continued waiving to each other on and on and on, remaining in place, stopped, and listening to the noise of motorists honking their horns behind us begging for us to clear the way and get going. We continued to “play our little game” just long enough to avoid anger from behind about to reach catastrophic proportions. So, I let him go first, we smiled and waved to each other as we continued on our way. No cursing, no flipping “the finger” and there was no anger or childish behavior, just a jocular encounter with a happy ending, except for those behind us, of course who couldn’t get to the intersection fast enough to proceed before the next green light. 10 The Legally Blind Woman Located on 23rd Street between 6th and 7th Avenue there is a residence for the unsighted, or "legally blind." What's the difference you may ask? Well, that was my question when I had first heard the term, "legally blind." I had owned and operated New York City’s largest one-hour photo store in the 1990’s on West 23rd Street known as “Clicks.” Those days are long gone, one-hour photo has been a “dinosaur industry” for nearly twenty years now. I had noticed, prior to signing my store lease, a huge residence for blind people nearby. Hum! Consequently, I knew that I was opening my photo business in the right place, huh? How could I fail with a huge residence for legally blind people right down the block? Seriously, over the years, a ton of business from the “blind” residence flowed into my store. Amazing! "Legally blind" is not totally blind. "Legally blind" in numerous instances, is blind enough to obtain Federal, State or City financial assistance but not blind enough not to take pictures and pay for developing and printing in cash without needing help to identify the denomination of the bills they were conveying to our cashiers. In fact, one of my most talented and prolific customers was a "legally blind” woman who had lived in that residence and she was truly a terrific photographer. She saw things that no one else did, really! On with the story . One day, as I was approaching the blind residence, I had noticed two young men with their jeans worn at about mid hip level, wearing black head wraps binding their hair, known as “do rags.” The pair was 11 standing, leaning against a storefront, each with one foot propped up against the storefront, puffing on their cigarettes, and chatting, but not yet noticing the octogenarian, a Caucasian woman about five feet tall tapping a white stick from side to side, obviously unsighted, or rather perhaps “legally blind.” They were slacking, smoking, “hanging out” and clasping their beers or malt liquor cans in brown paper bags.