Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens in under 500 Words (By Erik Scott de Bie) Poe: Here, BB-8, take these secret plans, er, map! It’ll be safer with you! BB-8: Meep! Poe: Good luck, good buddy! I’mma go fight them off! [captured immediately] Kylo Ren: [Brood brood brood.] Oh and death. Finn: I’m a stormtrooper! But now my mask is all bloody and I don’t wanna shoot anyone. Phasma: Yo. Finn: I’m out. Oh hey Poe, we’re escaping. Poe: Whatever you say, good buddy! Hux: Guys… # Rey: STOP FOLLOWING ME! BB-8: Meep! Rey: Meh. Let’s be BFFs. # Finn: Hey, that droid looks familiar. Rey: Hey! That droid says your jacket looks familiar! BB-8: Meep! TIE fighters: Guys… [pew pew!] Rey: STOP GRABBING MY HAND! [fly away in Millennium Falcon] [pew pew!] Finn: That was amazing! Rey: That was amazing! Finn: You’re amazing! Rey: That was amazing! Coolant Leak: Guys… # Han Solo: Chewie, we’re home. Chewie: Rawr. Han Solo: It’s all true. All of it. Finn: Whoa! Rey: Even the part where Greedo shot first? Han: … Bounty Hunters: Guys… Giant Space Cthulhu: Ia ia fhtaghn! # Kylo Ren: [Brood brood brood.] Kylo Ren: [Daddy issues.] # Maz Kanata: Stay with your friends, Finn! Finn: I’m out. Maz Kanata: Use the Force, Rey! Rey: I’m out. Maz Kanata: Where’s my boyfriend, Chewbacca? Han Solo: I’m out. erikscottdebie.com # First Order: Pew pew! Kylo Ren: [Brood brood brood.] Stormtrooper: Traitor! Finn: Swish swish! Resistance: Guys… # Finn: Rey’s been kidnapped! Han Solo: I know. Leia: Our son is evil! Han Solo: I know! Chewbacca: Rawr. Han Solo: I love you. Leia: I know. # Hux: His fault. Kylo Ren: Not my fault. Snoke: Guys… # Finn: Poe! [grin] Poe: Finn! [wink] Finn: Your jacket… Poe: Keep it. It looks better on you. [Finnpoe is go.] # Kylo Ren: [Brood brood brood.] I take what I want. Rey: Nope! Kylo Ren: [Rage rage rage.] # Rey: You will remove these restraints and leave the room with the door open. James Bond: Nope. Rey: You will remove these restraints and leave the room with the door open. James Bond: Yep. Rey: And drop your weapon! James Bond: Yep. # Finn: We gotta drop the shields. Phasma: Yo. Han Solo: Do you have a garbage compactor? Finn: Yeah, we do! # Han Solo: It’s not too late. Kylo Ren: [Brood brood brood.] Kinda. Han Solo: I immediately regret my decision. Finn: No! Rey: No! Chewbacca: Pew pew! Kylo Ren: Ow. erikscottdebie.com # Kylo Ren: [Rage rage rage.] We’re not done yet. Finn: Swish swish! Kylo Ren: Well, that was easy. [pulls lightsaber] Rey: Yoink! Kylo Ren: Oh snap. [epic duel in the snow] Kylo Ren: I could train you in the Force! Rey: The Force! [level up] Kylo Ren: Oh snap. # Rey: Hug. Leia: Hug. Chewbacca: I’m out. BB-8: Meep! R2-D2: Beep! [problem solved] [flies off in Millennium Falcon] # Rey: [All the steps.] Luke: … Rey: … Luke: … Rey: Lightsaber? Luke: … Rey: Um… Credits: Guys… erikscottdebie.com .