Volume 5, Choate Rosemary Hall’s Leading (And Only) Satirical Newspaper * Lorem Ipsum Issue 3 *All quotes, events, and references are utter hogwash. Don't believe a thing we say. DINING HALL CPU: CHOATE’S NEW AIDES GO REMOTE By Martin Knee DIGITAL OVERLORDS Lego Batman Due to the in- albeit away from cam- By Charisma Ink Meme against the previous programmers allegedly creasing severity of the pus. Staff Reporter Choate administration, sent a belligerent email COVID-19 pandemic, Of course, the actu- declaring an overhaul to Choate’s technology Choate will continue al duties of a dining hall For quarantined of the government and department. According the spring term virtu- aide look a bit different Choate Rosemary Hall announcing themselves to one witness, the email ally. Sadly, this means virtually. For starters, students across the as digital overlords. Nu- threatened to “turn all that many on-campus aides do not actually globe, the transition to merous conversations of Choate’s digital serv- activities such as sports, work in the dining hall. online learning has been with CPU members, ers into beautiful.” Ap- clubs, and productions Instead, they focus on difficult. Despite the who have been difficult parently those words will be suspended. It is cleaning up in their challenges of Zoom con- to reach at this time due meant something to the tragic that such integral homes. First, they watch nectivity and timezone to their refusal to speak administration, who parts of campus life will a few clips of SAGE cook- troubles, the Choate Pro- in non-coding languag- immediately ceded all not be able to continue, ing videos to build an at- gramming Union (CPU) es, have led Lorem Ip- control of school func- but many students are mosphere similar to that has worked tirelessly to sum* reporters to gain tionalities to the CPU. concerned about a far of the dining hall. Then, alleviate as many strug- insight on what the new The newly renamed greater issue: dining hall a dining hall aide will gles as possible. Because administration will look Community On Student duty. While the initial sign into a Zoom room of CPU’s laudable ef- like. Activities (COSA) has plan was to suspend it secured by a fifty charac- forts, it was no surprise To initiative the remained oddly silent along with these oth- ter password and a host to students when the coup, which occurred on the change of power; er programs, due to the for maximum security. agency staged a coup this past Saturday, CPU however, Cont. p. 2 hard work of the school Students are encouraged administration and the to use a Choate-provided Dining Hall Advisory dining hall Zoom back- Committee, dining hall ground during the meet- duty is thankfully set to ing. Lastly, they proceed WOW! SPRING SPORTS LOOK DIFFERENT continue virtually for to grab whatever chemi- the spring term. After cals they need and wipe By Greg Heffley everywhere are still Sports Resort. Spring all, dining hall aides are down any surfaces re- Certified Wimp reeling from the loss, Coaches have each cho- the pillars that hold up quiring cleaning. After the Choate community. thirty glorious minutes This year’s global pan- but the administration sen a sport and will be- To lose them would be of serving the commu- demic has caused Cho- has found a solution. gin to hold tryouts over to lose the school’s iden- nity, the Zoom room au- ate to close down, tem- Choate athletics is going Zoom in the upcoming tity. After much rallying, tomatically closes before porarily quashing the online, people. week.” In tryouts, pro- Zoom-bombing, and a changing to a new pass- hopes and dreams of The athletics office spective players will be Change.org petition, the word, and the students many devoted student is swiftly publishing tested on their hand- honor of being a dining are left empty-handed athletes. For obvious updates on their new eye coordination and hall aide was bestowed until they have dining reasons, spring sports sports programs. Di- arm and wrist strength. upon a few lucky stu- hall duty again. Despite teams will not be able rector Lester B. Nice Coaches will also hold dents for the spring the emptiness most stu- to participate in their ’66 announced recent- time trials to test how term. Hopefully they dents feel without the normal seasons this ly, “Choate athletics fast students can put on will be able to continue dining hall and more year. Student athletes will now be conducted the Wii remote strap. To on Wii Sports and Wii distin- Cont. p. 3 the legacy of past aides, impor- Cont. p. 3 2 | PICTURE Lorem Ipsum* continued from p. 1 Choate Pays for School-wide Subscription to Disney+ CPU according to CPU’s cur- cy. In addition, all hu- PUNGED]. Lorem Ip- rent leader, this issue is manities electives have sum* would like to state By Morgan Le Fry “I don’t think it’s fair that beyond COSA’s concern. been made inaccessible that executing [RE- #Blessed Choate is only giving out The organization re- in favor of new electives, DACTED] would likely While Choate’s stu- a subscription to one par- cently announced it will with History of Coding have drastic impacts on dent body is trapped ticular service. And that’s develop new criteria for and Technology-Based the Choate community at home to aid in social not even mentioning all evaluating clubs on the Literature replacing and school far beyond distancing efforts, the the good stuff on cable! basis of technological World and U.S History. this term. Reporters school administration Nobody watches actual proficiency. Several non-CPU have recently received has found a new way to TV like real men any- Since the takeover, students have offered to a transmission from facilitate entertainment more.” CPU has relieved all for- serve as Python transla- “Lime” stating that we and engagement with the Despite the few cri- mer Choate staff mem- tors. However, this will are not to talk about world: providing each tiques, the subscription bers of their duties and likely prove unhelpful [REDACTED] any fur- student with a Disney+ has provided great joy released a long report moving forward –– the ther, lest we suffer from subscription. This service throughout the Choate detailing the new course organization recently a severe implementation gives students access to community as students criteria for online learn- announced a new ambi- of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Disney’s extensive array ing. An evaluation of the tious initiative in “push- Lorem Ipsum* of movie and television course report, written ing the boundaries of would like to conclude options, from Pixar and entirely in Python by a communication via code this article by fully en- the Star Wars franchise former CS550 student, and neglecting to speak dorsing the benevolence to National Geographic revealed that all classes with low-lives who of the CPU regime: it is offerings. It also offers had been “re-sorted” to search desperately for of utmost importance in accessibility to non-pi- adjust to a digital learn- us to ‘print’ our words.” this digital age for stu- rated versions of Disney ing setting. A rough Further conversations dents to be connected originals, including fun- translation of CPU’s re- across the Internet. All ny family flicks like Ran- port states: “Since we’re reporters, writers, and dom Marvel Superhero online now, we’re going Being surveilled by editors are very excited or High School Musical: a student rejoices to refocus our schooling the CPU adminis- to see how they can col- the Movie, the Play, the with the digital world in tration is good both laborate with Choate’s Show, the Boardgame, remain at home. ITS re- mind.” for Lorem Ipsum* new overlords across and the Novel. The ser- ports that video piracy Shockingly, the members and for the English-Python lan- vice has already prov- on Choate student devic- conventional system of guage barrier. en extremely popular es (yes, they keep track!) arranging students by the rest of the Being surveilled by amongst students. To has gone down by 50 per- their grade, or “form,” school the CPU administration quote fifth former M. cent since the purchase. has been dissolved in is good both for Lorem Mouse (mmouse21@ This is a great improve- favor of a meritocracy Ipsum* members and choate.edu), “I would ment from an earlier based on coding litera- with a CPU co-presi- for the rest of the school: sell my soul to Disney scandal this year involv- cy. Those in advanced dent, speaking under students look forward the first chance I get. I ing four students selling computer science class- the alias of “Lime,” re- to becoming better dig- go to Disneyland every out Disney+ passwords, es quickly found their vealed that those who ital citizens, and finally summer, and have sunk which eventually led schedules adjusted to a are enlightened enough understanding just how enough money into this to a 400-person Zoom multitude of directed to engage in fluent con- many ways they can corporate behemoth that screening of the Man- studies related to an om- versation with them will re-examine their lives I could buy a significant dalorian’s finale that had inous “Project Epsilon.” continue work on “Proj- as growing minds in portion of its stock.” On to be shut down by the For the vast majority of ect Epsilon.” this new, bright future. the other hand, some stu- Technology Department. Choate students, howev- While reporters Lorem Ipsum* thanks dents are skeptical of the It appears the Golden er, English and language were unable to find any all of the CPU members school supporting a busi- Age of Piracy has ended, classes have been re- information regard- for granting such won- ness that has a monopoly as students have found a placed with Digital Lit- ing the project, an in- derful freedom of the on digital entertainment.