Grim-All-Day A Play by Chas LiBretto December 13. 2017 Agent contact: Katie Gamelli [email protected] A3 Artists Agency Literary Division The Empire State Building Fifth Ave. 38th Floor New York, NY 10118 1 Dramatis Personae Actor 1: Joseph Grimaldi Actor 2: JS Grimaldi / John Grimaldi Actor 3: Mary Actor 4: Signor Grimaldi / John Philip Kemble / Charles Actor 5: Charles Dickens Actor 6: Columbine / Young JS / Young Grimaldi Time: 1832 and earlier Place: London I make you laugh at night but I am Grim All Day. - Joseph Grimaldi Nobody likes a clown at midnight. - Stephen King 2 Scene 1 1832 London, 1832. Music from Regency-era Pantomime shows plays softly and sadly in the background, while the lights brighten very, very slowly on a dilapidated old theatre. GRIMALDI Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A man goes to visit a doctor to treat his melancholy. “I can’t eat,” he says. “I can’t sleep. I feel constantly miserable. Please help me, doctor.” The doctor looks him over and he says “Laughter is the best medicine, my friend. Take yourself off to Covent Garden Theatre where you will find the Great Grimaldi performing in ‘Harlequin and Mother Goose.’ It is exquisitely funny and will cure you of all your ills without any pills or potions from my cabinet.” The man looks at the doctor a moment. “Ah,” he says. “That won’t help.” “Well, why not, sir?” The man shrugs. “I am Grimaldi.” CHARLES (off) Mister Grimaldi? Ah, Mister Grimaldi? Are you there? GRIMALDI (off) I’m up on stage. Come over here, will you? A young man steps into the theatre, looking lost. CHARLES Quite an adventure getting here…. GRIMALDI I decided if you really want to get to know me, you’ll want to see where the work is done. CHARLES And this is where it’s done? 3 GRIMALDI Well, yes, what’s wrong with it? CHARLES Just a bit more run down then I expected, that’s all. GRIMALDI They all look like this when the lights are down. CHARLES You know, it really is quite an honor, Master Grimaldi. I saw you once as a boy. GRIMALDI Only once? Must have made quite an impression. CHARLES Well, no, I saw you subsequently when I was older. But that first time… I must have been seven years old. You were bigger than life, sir. Every single person in that theatre was roaring with laughter. I felt I was being let in on a secret That the adults were letting me peak in on their lives. That I was getting a taste of how they lived. The most famous man in England. I’ll never forget it, sir, I’ll - GRIMALDI Yes, yes. I’m sure you won’t. Seven years old, what was that, last week? CHARLES I’m twenty-five. GRIMALDI Incidentally, I read some of your Boz stories. CHARLES Did you like them? GRIMALDI Well enough. CHARLES They’re journeyman work. Not the kind of material I’m working on now. Have you been keeping up with Pickwick? 4 GRIMALDI Here and there. I’ve been kept rather busy with my own scribblings. CHARLES Oh, Yes! I read through what you sent me! GRIMALDI You did? And? Well? What did you think? CHARLES Well, they’re a bit…um…well… I mean… GRIMALDI They’re a mess. I know. CHARLES Not that the papers aren’t completely fascinating! Because they are! They really, really – GRIMALDI I’ve gotten as far as I can without help. CHARLES Help? What would you like me to do? GRIMALDI Rewrite them. CHARLES Oh. Well, you know, I am rather busy, Master Grimaldi. GRIMALDI You know, working with me…it’s bound to brighten your own star. Broaden your readership. Expand your audience. CHARLES I’m sure that’s true, but it’s more a matter of time for me and - GRIMALDI I’ll pay. 5 CHARLES Like I said, I have my own work to do, Deadlines to meet There simply isn’t a gap in my schedule. You see, I’m about to start work on a novel about a fellow who - GRIMALDI Handsomely. CHARLES So, if we’re working together should I keep calling you Master Grimaldi or – GRIMALDI Call me Joseph. Or Joey if you prefer. CHARLES Why do you want this? GRIMALDI The book? Secrets are exhausting, Mister Dickens. You forget you’re keeping them But they weigh on you Make your back stoop And whisper in your ear when you’re trying to sleep. I’m tired of secrets. CHARLES Well, let’s start at the beginning. That seems appropriate. GRIMALDI The beginning. Yes. I’ll come around to that eventually. I think I’d like to tell you about my son first. Lights shift. Scene 2 1812 London GRIMALDI, twenty years younger, and his 12-year-old son are in an old theatrical dressing room. There is an assortment of props and costumes in a trunk by their feet. 6 The son wears pantaloons and an absurd ruffled shirt. GRIMALDI Now, pay attention, JS. Are you listening? JS Yes, father. GRIMALDI nods. Silence. GRIMALDI Still listening? JS I think so. Silence. GRIMALDI Well, I don’t know what for. We don’t speak in pantomime. So, if you’re waiting for Harlequin to talk You’ll be waiting a very long time indeed. JS Don’t you tell jokes? GRIMALDI The situation is the joke, JS. Life is the joke. We don’t tell jokes We are the - JS starts eating a cucumber. That’s a prop. Don’t eat that. JS It’s a cucumber. GRIMALDI It’s a cucumber and it’s a prop. JS But mum makes cucumber sandwiches, doesn’t she? GRIMALDI She does, but 7 This cucumber is very important. Do you know why? JS No. GRIMALDI It fell from the body Of the most horrible Most monstrous creature In Pantomime… The Vegetable Homunculus! Boo! JS Aaah! JS drops the cucumber. GRIMALDI All right, now. Are you ready? JS I think so. GRIMALDI Everything in front of you? JS nods. Let’s begin then. Shirt? JS Great and loutish! GRIMALDI Stylish too, I should hope. Ruffles? JS Check! GRIMALDI Pantaloons? JS Dad, you can see I have ‘em on! GRIMALDI Make sure of everything. Prepare for war. And now 8 Watch a master at work. The lights shift. The music is completely over the top and it begins with a flourish! A basket on wheels driven by dogs with chickens on their backs breaks through the paper wall. Like a demented carriage coach, inside the basket is the driver, a CLOWN, GRIMALDI, wielding a stick with streamers. He leaps from the basket and tumbles gracefully to a stop before spinning to his feet and catching a musical guitar- like instrument thrown from off-stage. The clown begins to sing! GRIMALDI (singing) A little old woman, her living she got by selling hot codlins, hot, hot, hot. And this little old woman, who codlins sold, tho’ her codlins were hot, she felt herself cold. So to keep herself warm, she thought it no sin to fetch for herself a quartern of … He pauses for the audience to boisterously shout “Gin!” at him. Maybe they don’t. Maybe one guy does. GRIMALDI stops the song. He looks at the audience. Oh, for shame! I said… CHARLES (voice) Yes, yes “for shame, for shame,” I know that old gag. Lights shift. CHARLES is still taking notes. GRIMALDI I thought you said you admired those old routines? 9 CHARLES I do, of course, and we’ll spend plenty of time on them but I wonder if you might elaborate a bit more on your son. GRIMALDI Why? CHARLES He was a big part of those routines, wasn’t he? GRIMALDI Some of them, yes. CHARLES What is he doing these days? GRIMALDI What is he doing? He’s an actor, he’s performing. What do you think he’s doing? What have you heard? CHARLES Heard? Nothing. That’s what I mean: I’ve not heard his name spoken in a while. GRIMALDI Clearly you’ve never worked in show business. You’re in fashion, you’re out of fashion. And right now, a lot of us are out. CHARLES Not you. GRIMALDI At the moment. But it’s lean times for all of us these days. Times are changing. Less work, less – CHARLES Do you speak? GRIMALDI No, it’s Pantomime. Come on, Charles, you know - CHARLES To your son. 10 GRIMALDI What? What are you getting at? CHARLES When was the last time you spoke to your son? Lights shift. Scene 3 1832 Thunder and lightning. GRIMALDI stares out at the weather. His wife MARY looks at him with concern. MARY Should you be standing so close to the window, dear? GRIMALDI What’s wrong with it? MARY Well, there’s thunder and lightning and I wouldn’t want you struck, is all. It really is rather frightening, isn’t it? I’m glad we’re in here together. Safe and warm. GRIMALDI Safe and warm. And out of work. MARY Oh, don’t you worry about that. I know you want to get back to it, But maybe try to enjoy it, won’t you? It feels so natural to me Having an evening in with you, don’t you think? GRIMALDI Saturday night. Don’t really see what all the fuss is about. I suppose we’ll go to church in the morning I suppose that would feel natural.