We met on the T. You were listening to Insane Clown Pos- se and you had a denim jacket on. I touched your elbow. If I had a dollar for every Call me 508-662-5712 game I’d seen I’d have... YEP THAT MUCH / SHOTS FOR SPROTS You opened the door for me at the CC with a Lucy in the Chai in hand. I was besmirched until you reached for the Zamboni. Star-crossed lovers. 617-800-3713 THE NEEDY STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF TIFTS UNIVERSITY EST. 1980 THE TIFTS Weekly ALL COMPLAINTS TO: 617-230-2132 CURTIS HALL BASEMENT THE YEAR 3000 NO WINDOWS, NO PROBLEM Spring Fling to feature performances by BØRNS, Die$ Simone DeBaevoir thing?” suggest that BØRNS may be traveling with Students expressed confusion over PR Office Hoping to mix things up after releasing collaborating artists ËG and SPURM. whether the announcements were legiti- last year’s headliner through Snapchat, BØRNS will serve as the lead opener mate, or whether the leakers had decided Concert Board formally announced Concert Board planned to announce for this year’s performance. After a brief to take band names off of Jimmy Kimmel’s this year’s Spring Fling lineup last night this year’s feature band via Tinder. interlude by DJ Adolescence, Die$ will “Coachella 2013” video, in which several over social media. Complications arose, however, after mul- take over. Tufts alumni had made an appearance. According to Concert Board co-chair tiple students reported the Springfling Die$, a ‘90s metal band that recently “Who the f*** is BØRNS?” Bernie Bruh Nick Golden, who sang the announce- profile for inappropriate messages, caus- gained renewed fame with the release asked. “And Die$? Sounds so morbid.” ment to Daily reporters, indie pop artist ing the profile to be taken down. Concert their niche hit single “Stabby, Rip, Stab, “He kinda looks like Matthew Grey BØRNS will open the show for headliner Board finally released the lead artists’ Stab,” is expected to put on a “killer” per- Gubler,” Sarah Swug remarked, after xam- Die$, the first metal artist to perform at name last night over Instagram instead. formance, Golden sang. ining the cover art of BØRNS latest album. Tufts for two decades. Because of the confusion leading up Rumors have circulated that actor Matt Regardless, students expressed excite- BØRNS, formally known as Conceives, to the official announcement, students Damon, one of Kesha’s dancing penises ment over the upcoming concert. Students released his tour dates on his website expressed concern over the late lineup from last year’s Spring Fling, will join Die$ who observing Passover the preceding last week, prematurely letting word of his confirmation and its effects on annual on the stage in full costume during his week said that they hope their “Seder Spring Fling performance slip. The news tank-top design traditions. opening number. Drunk” will carry over to the event on May (water) broke last week over Facebook and Sisters from the Tau Omicron (TO) Concert Board explained that the deci- 1, due to university regulations that pro- Twitter and was confirmed last night. sorority said they were outraged about the sion to bring both artists together was hibit fraternities and other student orga- Concert Board said they never antici- late lineup confirmation. meant to act as an intentional statement nizations from holding parties on Sunday. pated the leak. “How are we supposed to think of our about the significance of the life cycle. Dean of Student Affairs Mary Pat “Honestly, we just assumed most fanny pack designs in time for the show?” “We wanted this years’ Spring Fling to McMahon reminded students that while students had better things to do than Lessa Lavelle, new member educator of capture the fullness of the human experi- they should enjoy the show, they should creep on rando indie hipsters’ tour sites,” TO, said. ence,” Golden sang. make sure not to get too s***-faced. Golden sang. “Seriously, don’t you guys There may, however, be more surprises The Daily gaged student sentiment sur- Melissa Feito contributed reporting to got a comp sci project to finish or some- in store for concert goers. Internet rumors rounding the lineup choices. this article. Tufts to institute mandatory swim test graduation requirement Tag Boy the river’s water quality in order to ensure Prodigal Son that it meets our minimum standards.” Because Tufts’ budget could only Tufts will join other institutions allow for the hiring of ten swimming test including Cornell University and the administrators, each of whom will only Massachusetts Institute of Technology work one day a week between Monday (MIT) in requiring all undergraduate stu- and Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., there are dents to pass a swimming test in order to a limited number of time slots available graduate, effective immediately. for students to take the test during. According to University President On top of that, sign-ups for the test, Anthony Monaco, this requirement which will be available on SIS beginning applies to all current undergraduates, this Monday, April 4 at 12:01 a.m., will including those in the class of 2016. be on a first-come, first-serve basis. And “A lot of people develop the percep- because there are only so many weeks left tion that college is a ‘sink or swim’ phe- this semester, not every student will be nomenon,” Monaco said. “We decided able to take the test this semester. to take this literally, and therefore do our “We have a limited number of resourc- best work as an institution to prevent es available because we are just starting Tufts students from sinking. And in order off,” Dianne Lockhart, a test administra- to ensure everyone is best prepared for tor, said. “I think if a senior really wants their next step in life after their under- to graduate in May, they will simply take graduate experience, we saw it necessary all of the steps necessary to ensure that already made travel plans to fly up from is also outraged by potentially losing a for all current students to pass this test they are on SIS the second registration California for Commencement. The fact secure job with good benefits because before graduating.” opens and complete the sign-up form that this may all be for nothing because of a decision just made by Tufts admin- Due to heavy use of the Hamilton Pool promptly.” of a late sign-up — which might happen istrators. by the men’s and women’s swimming Yet this sudden new requirement has due to high internet traffic when registra- “I am still shocked by this,” Howard teams, the swimming tests will be admin- resulted in displeasure among seniors tion opens — is just unacceptable.” said. “The university must have some istered in the nearby Mystic River. who are angered that they may not grad- Anderson is not alone in these feel- nerve to potentially throw off my future “We are aware of the liabilities involved uate in May because a first-year could ings. like this.” here,” Hannibal Levinson, the universi- beat them in signing up for a swim test. Senior Tim Howard explained that Yet despite the outcry among seniors, ty’s new chief swimming test program “To say I’m appalled by this is an under- he just received a two-year investment Tufts administrators are standing by their administrator, said. “With a river, you statement,” senior Veronica Anderson banking firm paid internship that begins decision. never know exactly what is in the water said. “My entire family — including my in June in New York. The June 1 start “Being able to literally swim will only you are swimming in. But I stand by parents, two sisters, brother, three aunts, date, however, is inflexible. Because further the skills students need to be suc- President Monaco’s philosophy, and we three uncles, seven cousins, two grand- this internship may lead to a full-time cessful for the rest of their lives,” Monaco have a team that is currently inspecting mothers and one grandfather — have all position with the banking firm, Howard said. Contact Us Please use this for joints, scrap For breaking news, our content archive and We have cookies paper, and exclusive content, visit Don’t tell your mom SO ...................................................1 anything but its She never respected my love for YOU REALLY REALLY .........6 intended use. tiftsweekly.com TELL ME WHAT YOU ..........3 campus a capella anyway WANT ............................... BACK FAX - let’s be real, no one uses a fax Raining Men /TedCruz @isthe Zodiac Killer WANT WHAT ...........................4 69 / 69 Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day, at dawn look to the east. 2 THE TIFTS WEEKLY | SQUAD | Friday, April 1, 2016 tiftsweekly.com THE TIFTS WEEKLY Guess the executive editors FIDDLING WHILE THE PAPER BURNS Match the baby picture to the corresponding name Supreme Ruler Maclyn Senear Mengqi Sun John Gallagher Alex Knapp Petrina Chan QUICKFIRE DECISIONMAKING Sarah Zheng Arin Kerstein Jack Ronan Julie Doten Evan Sayles A Meat Lump that Sings Nicholas Golden Kendall Todd Sofie Hecht Astrid Weng Yiran Xu #1 Bounty Hunter Lackeys The Photo Twin Skyping In Michelle Duggar Executive Mother / Buddy Joshua Duggar Older Buddies Jana Duggar John-David Duggar Jill Duggar Jessa Duggar Baby Buddies Jinger Duggar Joseph Duggar Josiah Duggar Joy-Anna Duggar Jedidiah Duggar Jeremiah Duggar Jason Duggar James Duggar Justin Duggar Jean Valjean Articles Too Long to Read Fantine Your favorite club Marius Cosette Javert Did a thing 1. 2. 3. Enjolras Eponine Gavroche Kris Gallagher America’s First Family Kylie Allon Kourtney Downs Khloe Olsen Kendall Sabaner Kim Krakoff Scott Podolskey Hannah Trump You want to publish Dorie Santorum WHAT?! Emily Kasich IAW4lyfe Erin Sanders Stephen Rubio Making the laughs since Abigail Chaffie pencils were made Shannon Gilmore Allison O’Malley Cassie Bardos 400-600 words of pure Miranda Fiorina Idaho gold Frances Bush Jake Lessig Emma Clinton 4.