FINAL EXIT NETWORK VOL 19 • NO 1 WINTER 2020 IN THIS ISSUE • A devoted husband’s murder-suicide farewell Page 2 • Mary Ewert: dementia and the growing RTD crisis 4 • How ‘Nora’ easily bequeathed a ‘thank you’ gift 5 • Volunteer Hall still leaves a distinguished mark 6 • Veterinarian has poetic take on peaceful deaths 12 • Grateful clients give voice to the essence of FEN 14 T R A I BULETN TO DELIVERANCE ‘My father shot my mother and then himself because her Alzheimer’s was too advanced for anyone to think she was competent to make a decision.’ By Jay Niver, FEN Editor criminal case,” Janet said. “They don’t cover suicides.” murder-suicide usually makes news. The details were unknown to all but the But when that tragedy involves an close friends and family to whom Bob wrote a elderly, devoted couple – and one or A letter, explaining their choice two days before both of them have debilitating dementia or a he pulled the trigger: first for his wife of more terminal disease – it grabs few headlines. than 60 years; then for himself. Authorities, family, friends, and courts The Shavers, too, had a long and storybook recognize that the victims planned and chose marriage. Alma was 80 and he was 79. It ended their exit because they didn’t have (or know) for them on a warm, Sunday afternoon last another way. June as they lay together on their canopy bed. Richard and Alma Shaver decided upon Some would say it ended such a death. But theirs made news across the for them much country after the Sunday New York Times ran a major feature last Dec. 29. earlier, To FEN volunteer Janet Grossman, it when her was new names for an old story. She knew Alzheimer’s it all too well: Her parents chose the same got so bad she gruesome way out on May 3, 2012. didn’t know The murder-suicide of Joanne and Robert Richard and lashed Grossman (Joan and Bob) was never reported out at him. beyond the candid, moving obituary their The daughters didn’t daughter placed in their local paper – and the perfunctory story that ran “because it was a BULLET continued on page 2 Renew your membership online: www.finalexitnetwork.org BULLET continued from page 1 know of their parents’ plan, but came to accept it. Janet Grossman and her sister knew exactly what their father planned for Joanne and himself. “He did it with her agreement at the time, and with our full knowledge and support,” Janet recalled almost eight years later. “We had a lot of discussion of why other methods wouldn’t work.” Ironically, the couple was active in numerous right-to-die groups including the Hemlock Society, Richard and Alma Shaver on their wedding day “but I don’t think they knew about FEN,” Janet said. “Then it was too late anyway ... because her Alzheimer’s was too advanced for “My father shot my mother and then himself BULLET continued on next page A murder-suicide that didn’t make news By Robert Grossman May 1, 2012 Read another powerful declaration on page 7, from a FEN member who made her final exit last This describes the process by which we decided to December. terminate our lives in the manner we selected. It was correct for us. Joanne has Alzheimer’s dementia, which causes worsened, (it) degraded the facilities to beds from which humans to degenerate into bed-bound or wheelchair- sightless eyes could examine the ceiling. bound creatures needing 24-hour supervision and control. I thought that I could provide the physical support Joanne observed this during the 18-month final existence needed, but congestive heart failure makes that impossible. of a male clad only in diapers who grunted the same I do not have the strength to take care of both of us. noise, regardless of any stimulus. Going to assisted living is a partial step toward giving up Joanne said then, and has repeated over the years, control of one’s life. Since March 1946, we wandered many that she never wanted to be in that condition. I agree. places such as the Danube through Vienna, Budapest, That man was my father. Gradsco, and Malia, where it forms the delta; Inca trails in Joanne visited weekly a 90+-year-old woman with Peru; the restored Great Wall in Beijing and the unrestored dementia who usually sat silent the entire time. But eroded blocks 1,250 km to the west; backpacking rim to rim occasionally she would open up and complain about the to rim of the Grand Canyon; eight days canoeing the Rio horrible conditions, stating that she wished she were dead. Grande around Big Bend National Park; scuba diving over That was my mother. the Barrier Reef. The professional We are now together caregivers agreed that on our final journey, as we people had to make should be. decisions on what level of We regret leaving care they wanted before it to others to clear out they were trapped in the our casita, but it was system. Arizona, unlike impossible to empty it Oregon, does not allow without giving a clue that residents to make such we were ending our lives decisions. now, as the least bad of I could not permit options. Joanne to be placed in Some people want to a situation beyond our extend their lives to the last control. Many places we possible second. Others, like examined had magnificent us, put quality of life as more entries, but as the dementia Janet, Joanne and Robert Grossman important than its duration. 2 Final Exit Network Winter 2020 An obituary that wasn’t in the Times Robert Grossman, born April 10, 1924 In 1964, she started the first racially designed their house ... with many ener- in Chicago, died by self-inflicted gunshot on integrated Camp Fire Girls group in Mont- gy efficiencies that were very uncommon May 3, 2012. His wife Joan … died on May gomery County, MD, and the family dealt in 1963 … They were always freethinkers 4 from the previous night’s gunshot by Bob. with neighbors throwing rocks at the black who tried to teach their daughters to think At 88 and 85, they had been married girls outside the family home, as well as for themselves, and they regularly told for nearly 64 years and continued to love some threats by telephone … In 1964 they their children they did not believe in “con- each other deeply. further scandalized the neighbors by pack- spicuous consumption.” She had Alzheimer’s disease and was ing camping gear and their 7- and 11-year- They retired to Prescott, AZ, in 1980, no longer able to care for herself. He had old daughters into a canoe with an outboard designing the first passive solar house on congestive heart failure and felt unable to motor and canoeing up the still-filling Lake Solar Heights Drive. They became passion- care for both of them any longer ... ately involved with the ... Arizona Archeo- Bob and Joanne had always said they In 1964, she started the logical Society, as well as being active with would kill themselves rather than end up as first racially integrated Camp Prescott Creeks, the Sierra Club, and Citi- his parents had … it was done by mutual zens Water Advocacy Group. consent and out of great love for each other. Fire Girls group ... They were very involved with the Bob and Joanne married just after their Prescott Unitarian Universalist Fellowship graduation from Penn State in 1948 with Powell to Rainbow Bridge, which at that from the time of their arrival in town, while degrees in industrial engineering and jour- time required a three-mile walk from the also meeting with the Humanists. nalism … He was a navigator in the Army water. Joanne had been a long-time volun- Air Corps/Air Force, then worked in vari- The couple became very involved in teer with Planned Parenthood and was ous engineering jobs until he ended up in white-water canoeing with their young- the prime mover for creation of Prescott the nuclear industry and finally retired from er daughter in the late 1960s … By 1970, Planned Parenthood. During their last year, the U.S. Dept. of Energy in Maryland. He Joanne and her younger daughter had fall- they were volunteer dog-walkers for the was Chief Safety Officer for the first nucle- en in love with backpacking and did this Humane Society. ar Merchant Marine vessel, the Savannah, every chance they got. Bob felt he’d carried Despite their great concern for saving and developed many technologies used in enough packs in the military, but would and improving the world, Bob and Joanne the nuclear industry. often go along out of love. could also both be supremely silly, and they She was a journalist and then a stay- He became a private pilot to avoid the loved to laugh. at-home mother for their two daughters un- long drives to visit his mother in N.Y., and til the youngest was in high school, when greatly enjoyed flying around the U.S. The preceding story was excerpted she first did home- and substitute teaching, Bob and Joanne were always very from the obituary originally printed in the then became a technical editor. concerned for the environment, and they Prescott Daily Courier. BULLET continued from prior page But getting to that point wasn’t seamless. Joanne was trapped in the depths of Alzheimer’s dementia – just as she never wanted to be. As Janet explained, anyone to think she was competent to make a decision.