The Advocate’s Guide: Working With Parents Of Children Who Have Been Sexually Assaulted THE ADVOCATE’S GUIDE: Working With Parents Of Children Who Have Been Sexually Assaulted TABLE OF CONTENTS PREFACE: Using this guide Page 2 PART ONE: Connecting - Communicating - Clarifying Page 4 PART TWO: Communicating Key Concepts to Parents Page 24 PART THREE: Creating Bridges: Interfacing with Systems Page 30 PART FOUR: Complicating Issues Page 45 PART FIVE: Helping Parents Cope Page 49 PART SIX: Frequently Asked Questions Page 55 PART SEVEN: Acknowledgements Page 61 PART EIGHT: References Page 63 APPENDIX: Trauma-Informed Parenting (TIP) sheets Page 65 Suggested citation: Yamamoto, D. (2015). The advocate’s guide: Working with parents of children who have been sexually assaulted. Enola, PA: National Sexual Violence Resource Center. The content of this publication may be reprinted with the following acknowledgement: This material was reprinted, with permission, from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s publication entitled The advocate’s guide: Working with parents of children who have been sexually assaulted. Also available online at the Lifespan webpage of National Sexual Violence Resource Center website: http://www.nsvrc.org/projects/lifespan/sexual-violence-against-children The Advocate’s Guide: Working With Parents Of Children Who Have Been Sexually Assaulted 1 Using this Guide This guide is designed for sexual assault program advocates working with non-offending parents and/or caregivers of children who have experienced sexual assault. The suggestions and strategies are intended for use with children under the age of 13. Additionally, the following terms and their definitions will apply: The primary client: The child who was this document, the terms “victim” and victimized is the primary client. While many “survivor” are used interchangeably to advocates work directly with children, be inclusive of the various ways people other advocates may not. Regardless, who have experienced sexual violence the child is the ultimate focus of your may identify. The National Sexual Violence advocacy. Supporting parents or caregivers Resource Center (NSVRC) recognizes is necessary so that they can in turn and supports the use of person-first support their child. This guide promotes a terminology that honors and respects the system of care with the child whole person, including people who have be personal and not obvious or gender advocates regardless of the state in which at the center. been sexually assaulted as well as people non-conforming. However, there are times they work. who have offended. Therefore, you will when utilizing gender-based pronouns are also see terminology such as “child who necessary for sentence clarity. In the guide, Parent/caregiver/guardian: The guide will TIP sheets: At various places in this has been abused” and “person who has while one reference may use the term use the term “parent(s)” or “caregiver(s)” document, you will see references to TIP sexually offended” throughout the guide. “she” or “he,” the concepts apply to all. for ease of writing throughout the sheets or Trauma Informed Parenting document. These words are meant to Sheets. These are designed to be offered refer to the primary person caring for the Pronouns: There is an attempt, as much State variations: While the work of to parents as additional supports by well-being of the child. When used in the as possible, to keep this material gender advocates may be similar across the advocates. singular format, these terms are meant to neutral. This is done for several reasons: country, other processes, particularly TIP sheets can be found in the Appendix of include multiple parents, caregivers, and/or one is to acknowledge that victims can within the legal system, are often handled this publication as well as on the Lifespan guardians caring for children who are both be any gender, as can be the people who differently from state to state, and even project page of nsvrc.org at www.nsvrc.org/ biologically related and otherwise. sexually offend. Another is to respect between jurisdictions within a single projects/lifespan that gender is not always transparent and state. There was an attempt made in this people self-identify in a manner that may Person-first language: Throughout resource to use examples that will apply to 2 www.nsvrc.org The Advocate’s Guide: Working With Parents Of Children Who Have Been Sexually Assaulted 3 Advocacy directed only at a child is temporary support for a long-term issue. Advocacy directed toward supporting and educating a parent can last a lifetime for the child. Connecting been doing this work for any length of time with Parents know this is easier said than done in some instances. Depending on the setting, children Many advocates will cite working with who have been sexually abused may be parents as their greatest challenge. While referred to as “cases,” “clients,” “victims,” it often goes smoothly and the parent or “survivors.” But to those who love receives exactly what they need, advocates these children, they are sons, daughters, sometimes report that working with nephews, nieces, or godchildren. And to parents is their weakest area. For those parents, they are the “baby,” “sweetie,” who are not parents, some may feel they “bubba,” “sis,” “pookie,” and the would be unable to relate with a parent. “snugums” of their lives. Parents are For others, it is difficult to work with typically not bracing themselves for a day parents who do not believe their child. when their child will become a victim of And for others still, it is difficult working sexual violence. It is normal to push aside with parents who want to know every that possibility despite ongoing news and word spoken by everyone and believe that information that child sexual abuse is a confidentiality applies only to others. Part One frequent occurrence. So, if it happens, it Connecting - Communicating - Clarifying can be shocking. The pain can run deep. A parent’s reaction to the news that Philosophy of child- hat draws you to advocacy work? Likely, the answers are as varied as the their child has been sexually assaulted centered advocacy people doing this work. And while the reasons people go into advocacy work varies greatly. People respond to crisis with parents differ, a common theme is usually found in the desire to walk alongside another in different ways and carry their entire W Advocacy directed only at a child is during a difficult journey. Advocates become a guide to people who are victimized, often history of life experiences with them into temporary support for a long-term issue. by the very people meant to be their supporters. When children experience sexual assault, crisis. Therefore, advocates can be most Advocacy directed toward supporting and they are drawn into an adult world where they do not belong. Advocates meet them there helpful when they bring this understanding educating a parent can last a lifetime for to offer guidance and support. into conversations with parents, helping them through their reactions without the child. The goal of this guide is to equip advocates with strategies to use when working with judgment. The ultimate goal is to connect The core assumption made throughout parents or caregivers of children who have experienced sexual assault. The hope is that with parents in a manner that will keep the this guide is that advocacy for parents is the strategies and concepts presented here will result in better outcomes for children by conversation and learning moving forward delivered with the needs of the child at helping advocates work with parents in a trauma-informed way. with trust and respect. Those who have the forefront. There is a constant focus 4 www.nsvrc.org The Advocate’s Guide: Working With Parents Of Children Who Have Been Sexually Assaulted 5 and refocus on what the parent needs in It is helpful to convey the philosophy of Skills in child-centered advocacy with parents order to best support the child. There will a child-centered approach from the very Advocacy work allows us the privilege of working with a variety of people during a time be times when services may appear to be beginning of our work to parents and of crisis. Most people deal with crisis in their most familiar, natural manner. Advocacy then all about the parent with nothing directed caregivers. Even our job titles can make becomes a matter of learning and honoring that which is important and even sacred to the toward the child. However, the service an impact in conveying a child-centered child and parent as they deal with the trauma of sexual assault. This section contains some delivery perspective is that parents are approach. helpful skills that will assist you in working with parents. nurtured and supported so that they can, The beginning conversation may sound in turn, nurture and support their child. something like this: Culture marginalized groups, the continuing Children primarily need the support of Providing advocacy within a culturally consequences of oppression can affect their parents. Research indicates that Advocate relevant framework is a foundational basis who we see in our centers, who we don’t parental support after disclosure may be a “Hi, my name is Jayden, and I am a Child for effective advocacy. However, it is likely see, and how our services are provided and key factor in reducing the impact of sexual Advocate. I will be the one to assist you and the most difficult task to accomplish, and received. abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder your child. My job is to provide you with requires constant attentiveness to the At different periods during our country’s (PTSD) symptoms in a child (Bernard- support and information so that you can parent and/or child with whom you are history, many communities experienced law Bonnin, Hebert, Daiganault, & Allard- better support and guide your child.