The fake letters I write in my head... I’m done. This fancy new phone doesn’t. What ever will I do to make this call stop? Dear cellular provider, Oh, God, please give me guidance. If I want- While mobile phone technology continues ed someone to blather completely obvious to get more and more complex allowing me worthlessness in my ear, I’d listen to Brent to do a limitless variety of cool things from Musberger doing color commentary for a the ease of my smart phone, when was it, ex- college football game. actly, that you decided we were too damn dumb to leave our own freakin’ messages on ... our cell phones? Clearly you think I can surf the Web, do my banking, find great deals on Dear nameless company with an automated StreetJaw and watch movies on my phone, phone system, but you don’t think I am smart enough to I apologize for not taking the time in the past say, “Sorry I missed you, leave a message?” to memorize which alphabetical letters cor- No, actually you do think I am physically respond to which phone keypad numbers on able to do so, you just assume I’m too stu- my cell. You see, when I was finally the last pid to achieve the goal of getting the caller person on earth to get a BlackBerry, I discov- to leave me the message in my own words. ered, in a panic, while trying to follow your So you have a convenient female voice come instructions, that I could not just enter the on the line and basically repeat everything I first three digits of the my party’s last name to just said all over again. Only she does it nice dial their extension. My numbers don’t have and slow, wasting about ten extra seconds of letters on them anymore. I have a whole key- my caller’s precious time. And then she offers pad, but your system doesn’t recognize the to click new buttons for more options. Have “M” key. You want me to press a 6 for the you ever clicked those buttons? Neither have “M.” You clever, customer-service-dodging I. So I tried it. It’s nothing. Just more seconds devils, you’ve outsmarted me again. Touché! wasted. I wondered how many times a day I You were very kind to tell me I could use 1 hear this woman say the same thing on be- in place of a “Q” or “Z.” Now I just have to half of everyone with cell service, five or six? remember what the other 9 keys were. Your That’s a total of a minute a day. Let’s say it’s antiquated system of directory assistance half that on weekends. That’s six minutes a is about as helpful to me as the Braille on week, times 52 weeks. I’ve just lost over five a drive-up ATM. Maybe you could get that hours a year listening to this idiot. I didn’t ask nice calm lady from the cell phone company for her to do it. I can’t seem to figure out how to excruciatingly slowly remind me which to turn her off. We just have to sit and take letters correspond to which numbered keys. it. My billable rate is somewhere between Make sure she goes through all the keys be- $65 and $125 an hour? Times five? That’s fore allowing me to attempt to enter the code hundreds of dollars a year of productive time I have deciphered from her explanation. It’s lost, ten tedious seconds at a time, to you, like a memory puzzle. Ooh, I love puzzles. dear wireless provider. Or maybe there is indeed a God and you are also antiquated enough that the big “0” key How about we just take that billable amount will still find an operator. lost off of my bill? Or maybe we could come in and complain in person? This is how we’d ... do it. First, I calmly explain the issue and why it infuriates me, then I have a friend, a wom- Dear cable or computer customer service an with a pleasing voice, re-explain the situ- representative, ation all over, slowly, to the same phone store I know how to use my computer / cable box. employee, and even if they interrupt, she just Please skip to the part of the automated re- keeps going until she’s finished. I can’t forget sponse sheet where you’re no longer testing to throw in a completely worthless sugges- me to see if I’m a technological idiot. There tion at the end that will unnecessarily take up is a big-ass crack in my waranteed laptop a little more time. That would be annoying. screen. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Especially if we all lined up one after another that restarting my computer is likely not go- and did it again and again to the same guy all ing to make it work again. day long. He’d probably quit ... or off himself. Also, I know that whipping my Ethernet cable “When you are finished talking you can press in a circle like a cowboy’s lasso in the middle the pound sign for more options, or just hang of my living room is not going to loosen up up.” No crap? Really? I can hang up? That clogged packets of data stuck in the cable. will end the call? That’s amazing. Thanks, But I do understand that this step in the calm, rhetorical, unnecessarily over-helpful troubleshooting process is the only part of phone lady. I had no idea what I was going your day that gives you spiteful, resent-filled to do. All those years of having the cassette- vengeful joy, so I promise to at least say that tape answering machine at home completely I did it before we continue on the fixing the failed at training me. I mean, that old rotary real issue. Thank you and you’re welcome. The 365ink crew... faces you already know! phone had a rocker to set the phone on when Tim Mike Kristina Jeff Kelli Ralph Kate Matt Lisa Chris Pam Jon Ben Patty Bob Roy Brad Bryce Issue #102 _____________________The Inkwell Publisher: Bryce Parks ([email protected]) FEBRUARY 18 - MARCH 3 Editor: Tim Brechlin ([email protected]) Advertising: Kelli Kerrigan ([email protected]) In this Issue: 563-451-9365 Kate Lydon 365 Impact Awards 4 ([email protected]) Friday, March 5 515-441-6754 Writers & Content: Community Shorts 5 Mike Ironside ([email protected]) NISOM Recital Tim Brechlin, Bryce Parks, L.A. Autism Seminar Hammer, Chris Wand, Mayor Roy Colts Cadets Buol, Matt Booth, Bob Gelms, Pam Kress-Dunn, Jeff Stiles, Me- Collegiate Wind Symphony gan Dalsing and Pat Fisher. Winter Jazz & Blues Designers: Harvey Kristina Nesteby Dubuquefest Applications ([email protected]) Shalom Bible Study Bryce, Tim & Mike 365 Pop Quiz 6 Photography: Mike Ironside, Ron Tigges, Monk’s Entertainment 6 Bryce Parks Sustainability Conference 7 Layout: Tim Brechlin, Bryce Parks Mississippi Moon Bar 8 Director of Operations: Multicultural Fam. Ctr. 9 Patricia Reisen-Ottavi, J.D. Community, Incorporated Food for Thought 10 Brad Parks, C.E.O. Ralph Kluseman Pam Kress-Dunn 11 Special thank you to: Budweiser Nightlife 12-13 Brad Parks, Fran Parks, Christy Monk, Katy Brechlin, Kay Kluseman, Todd Wando’s Movies 14 Locher, Everett Buckardt, Julie Steffen, Sheila Castaneda, Ron & Jennifer Tigg- GRIFINFEST Submissions 15 es, bacon, the crew of Radio Dubuque and all the 365 friends and advertisers Mindframe Movies 15 for all your support. You are all 365. Dubuque365 / 365ink DAWG Call for Entries 16 401 Locust Street, Warehouse Art Gallery 17 Dubuque, IA, 52001 LifeStiles 18 dubuque365.com (563) 588-4365 Trixie Kitsch 19 All contents (c) 2010, Community, Incor- porated. All rights reserved. Dr. Skrap’s Horoscopes 19 Mayor Roy Buol 20 Like our stuff? Bob’s Book Reviews 23 We can make yours too! Mattitude 24 365 • Web Site Development • 365ink will be looking a bit • Graphic Design • different in a few weeks! Stay • Photography • • Video Production • tuned to our pages! • Marketing / Consulting • We’ve hidden 365’s WANDO somewhere in this issue of Dubuque365ink. Can you find the master of movies buried within these pages? Hint: He’s tiny and could be anywhere, In a story? In an ad? On the cover? Good Luck! WE MISS YOU, BOB 4 FEB 18-MAR 3 FEB 19-27 FEB 20 It’s that time of year again! Stand up and take a bow! Go on, you “The Biggest Impact in 2009” since Overall Impact – as an Organization deserve it. You’ve earned it. Despite last year’s awards show. Now the 365 It had been a while since 365 hosted a tough year in an economic sense team, writers, partners and fans are re- Overall Impact – as an Individual the Impact Awards, but last year, we (okay, that’s something of an under- questing your help in one last review brought them back, and it went over statement), 2009 was filled with a of 2009. Overall Impact – as an Idea like gangbusters: The stage at the Mis- number of achievements in a wide sissippi Moon Bar of the Diamond Jo variety of fields ... and that’s where For those keeping track at home, the We’ve already gotten an absolute Casino, the Rocket Surgeons as the following are the Impact Award Cat- boatload of nominations from our house band, and, most importantly, egories: friends and readers, but that doesn’t Dubuque’s best and brightest individu- mean everything is said and done als, organizations and businesses.