H O W T O B R E A K F R E E F R O M Y O U R D Y S F U N C T I O N A L F A M I L Y H A V E T H E L I F E & T H E R E L A T I O N S H I P S Y O U W A N T Dysfunctional Family Checklist Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT The simple definition of a dysfunctional family is one that discourages you from trusting your true self so you develop a false self. What does that mean? It means that you are entitled to be all that you are but unfortunately many people have unconscious limitations due to coming from a family that subliminally asked the person to adjust to the needs of one or more family members. 7 signs that you were raised in a dysfunctional family Sign #1: You spend too much time trying to please others If you ask yourself what YOU want to do for the evening, for the weekend, etc. and you have no idea what the answer to that question is, you may be spending way too much time and energy trying to make others happy or pleased. Probably your role in your family of origin was to adapt to someone elses needs and sacrifice your own. Sign #2: You seem to feel guilty a lot. You feel guilty about doing things for yourself, you feel guilty for your anger towards people you think you should not be and you feel guilty when others are upset. This is caused by your erroneous thinking that you are responsible for other people’s feelings. You were trained, in essence, to do what is impossible to do’ make others feel happy. © 2017 | Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT | www.toddcreager.com Dysfunctional Family Checklist Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT Sign #3: You tend to pick people that have trouble reciprocating. You constantly feel that the relationship is very uneven. Of course, due to your false sense of responsibility and guilt, you stay in these uneven relationships for too long. Sign #4: There is either too much or not enough conflict in your intimate relationship. If you are always bickering and arguing without any listening or resolution, you may have come from a family where people were very reactive and ineffective in soothing themselves. If you never have conflict and things are always agreeable, you may have come from a family where emotions were “swept under the carpet” and not dealt with. Both high conflict and “too low conflict” intimate relationships can be unsatisfying and draining. Sign #5: You get really hard on yourself and tend to be perfectionistic. That typically means that you were either overvalued or undervalued. If you were overvalued, one or both of your parents made TOO big a deal out of your accomplishments and seemed to feel even better than you about them. Or you were undervalued and were made to feel that you could never be good enough. In both cases, you haven’t learned how to feel just plain old “valued” for who you are. © 2017 | Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT | www.toddcreager.com Dysfunctional Family Checklist Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT Sign #6: You have a very hard time relaxing. If you ever do stop, you may notice how uptight you are. However, often people that have this problem are in perpetual motion always having more to do on his or her to-d- list than time allows. Sign #7: You are an extreme as a parent You are either too “laissez-faire,” letting your kids run the household or you run it like a boot camp, thereby squelching the spontaneity of your children. In this case, you probably came from a house of one extreme or the other; either that or each parent represented either extreme and did not develop a united stand. The good news- you can create a new legacy for you and your children. I have helped thousands of people break from the self-limiting beliefs and lives that result from a dysfunctional family of origin. In a dysfunctional family, one or more of the parents or siblings had some issues that they did not deal with in healthy ways. Instead, the rest of the family had to adapt to survive and make sense of the family. If you came from a dysfunctional family, then neither you nor any of your family members could escape this adaptation. This adaptation can be thought of as a role. As you know from a job role, it is limited. It is ok to have a role at work because each person is there to do what is asked. © 2017 | Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT | www.toddcreager.com Dysfunctional Family Checklist Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT The 5 Dysfunctional Family Roles Plus tips to Help You Break Free 1) The Enabler/codependent Child: In this role, you gave up your own needs and wanted to protect and take care of another member of the family that had issues that seemed more serious than yours. You may have grown into an adult who is not even in touch with your own desires and preferences. Example: You had a chronically ill parent and you became the person that your parent can count on and you sacrificed much of your childhood. What to do to expand past the role of enabler: Start by asking yourself, what desires do I have that I ignore? What do I avoid doing for myself because someone else may have to sacrifice for me? Start replacing “You time”- the time that to do things for others, with “Me time,” time that you spend doing something for you. Start with just a few minutes a day if you are one of those people that doesn’t spend any time with yourself or for yourself. The goal is to work your way up to more of a balance. You are at your best for others when you take care of yourself. © 2017 | Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT | www.toddcreager.com Dysfunctional Family Checklist Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT 2) The Responsible Child: You did everything well; you may have even felt like you had to be perfect. You did everything to make your parents proud and may unconsciously have had the pressure to keep up the self-esteem of one or both of your parents. Typically, you did very well in school and extra-curricular activities and would rarely if ever relax and just be a normal kid. You may have grown up into an adult that very much fears disappointing people, which can lead to a persistent low-level anxiety. What to do: Think of something you have never done or that you know you are not good at that you might enjoy if you were not so concerned about doing it well. Do that thing or activity. Enjoy doing it badly. Realize that you are unchaining yourself from a very restricted rule that says you have to be perfect or always do things well. Rejoice and be playful no matter how well or badly you are at it. © 2017 | Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT | www.toddcreager.com Dysfunctional Family Checklist Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT 3) The Aloof Child: You inherited the role of aloof child and may have been perceived as the most “selfish.” This was your mostly unconscious way of dealing with unresolved pain on the family. It is a defense so that you can get through the days and nights with a family that is unhappy, volatile, violent, abusive, neglectful or a combination of these. As an adult, you may have become one of those people that live on the surface of life, not getting too involved with other people’s lives and not letting them too close to yours. What to do: Decide to get more curious about the lives of your significant others and friends. Notice your tendency to be aloof and keep things shallow and instead practice asking open-ended questions. Also be willing to risk sharing more about you. Don’t let your role of being aloof keep you from the joy and meaningfulness of having relationships with depth. © 2017 | Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT | www.toddcreager.com Dysfunctional Family Checklist Todd Creager LCSW, LMFT 4) The Problem Child: Having the role of problem child could have been your unconscious way to make other family members’ issues fade into the background. Or, it could have been a way for you to act out the pain you were feeling in your family of origin. The individual rarely falls into these roles alone. There is usually some unconscious family dynamics that push you into that role. This is not an excuse for your problem behavior but could be an important factor. By looking deeper at the underlying dynamics, you can learn healthier options for dealing with the underlying reasons you slipped into that role. These problem children can become problem adults unless there is an intention to become more aware and to break out of obsolete patterns. What to do: First, know that this role of problem child or problem adult is not you. You inherited the role to balance out some dysfunction in your family and you did it unconsciously in the beginning. Now you need to consciously get out of it. Being responsible, self-reliant and capable usually involves grieving once and for all that your parents will never be those people that you hoped they would be. Your parents are and were who they are.