"New Russian" Humor NIKOLAI ZLOBIN W ell known among Russians, Vovochka is the traditional character of Rus- sian jokes-indecent or bordering on indecency. A middle school pupil, and not a very good one at that, Vovochka is a troublemaker. But he can also be very shrewd, perplexing others with his provocative remarks. Until now, the only political hero to appear in Vovochka anecdotes was Vladimir Lenin. Maybe now, Vovochka will have a new protagonist. At least, we offer one of the first refer- entes to the new Vovochka-"After March 26, al1 jokes about Vovochka are con- sidered political"-and we anxiously await to see where Vovochkiana will go from here. We have published Russian political jokes in Demokratizat:,iya in the past, to the delight of our readers. Now we offer new material, but the purpose is not to amuse you, although we hope these jokes will make you smile. Rather, political humor is a way to illuminate the mindset of the modern Russian. We can tell much by what makes him laugh, even if it is bitter laughter. The target of Russian humor in the early 1980s was "advanced socialism," the seriously ill Brezhnev, and the lack of rights or freedom in the USSR. That was followed by the lighter side of dying secretaries general, security officer Andropov, and a range of national and economic problems. The characters who populated those jokes were members of the Political Bureau, Communists, national minorities, and everyday Russians. Gradually, it became clear that the apparatus of repression in Russia was powerless to suppress the jokes. The harsh realities of life made humor a necessity, and the number of jokes grew exponen- tially. Telling political jokes was against the law, but to enforce it Russian police would have to arrest the entire population. The late 1980s and early 1990s were spent poking fun at the politics of pere- stroika and acceleration; Gorbachev's indecision and his unsuccessful efforts to stop Yeltsin's democratic reforms; the failure of economic reforms; the poor qual- ity of life; and, of course, the anti-alcohol campaign. At the center of those jokes, besides Mikhail Sergeivich himself, were his wife and his inner circle: Ligachev, Rishkov, local leaders, and young democrats. Then the reig,11 of Boris Yeltsin Nikolai Zlobin is an executive editor of Demokratizatsiya. 396 "New Russian" Humor 397 began. Over ten years he evolved from the adored, brave opponent of commu- nism to our physically and intellectually inept leader-a "second edition of Brezhnev" New characters populated our humor: Guydar, Chubais, Burbulis, Stankevich, Popov, Korshakov, Sobchak, and Chernomyrdin. None of Yeltsin's prime ministers was spared by Russian humor. Although the quantity of political jokes declined significantly when restrictions against free expression were lifted, people still actively responded to the ups and downs of Russian life under Boris Nikolaievich, from devaluation of the ruble to war in Chechnya, from the sexual scandal of the general prosecutor to efforts to impeach the Russian president. The 1990s introduced a new source of humor in the character of the "New Russians," a phenomenon that undoubtedly deserves closer examination. The new millennium will bring political jokes that reflect the current realities of Russia and that are populated by new personages. Our goal is not only to intro- duce this new humor to our Western readers but to preserve the jokes of the past. Because they are a part of Russian history and Russian culture, they are valuable. They illuminate political opinion and therefore occupy a position in the scholar- ship about what was, is, and will be in this fascinating country. A New Russian is waiting in the maternity ward. He sees the doctor and rushes to him. "So?" he asks. "Congratulations," says the doctor, "you have a son. Seven even." "No problem," says the New Russian. He takes out his wallet and hands the doctor seven thousand dollars. Three New Russians find a genie in a bottle, who agrees to grant them each three wishes. "But we have everything," they say, "we don't need anything more" Then the first one reconsiders. He says, "l just bought a new house in Mada- gascar and we're having a terrible problem with ants. Nobody can fix it" The genie says, "I'll give you a little ant; he will eat all of the big ants and then he'll die. Everything will be fine in no time." Then the second one decides to make his wish. "I just bought a house in Tus- cany," he says, "and we're having a terrible cockroach problem." The genie says, "I'11 give you a little cockroach and he'll eat all the big ones. Then he'11 die, and everything will be fine" The third New Russian scratches his head, then says, "Genie, can you give me a little tax collector?" A New Russian bought a set of Legos. Later he told his friend, "You know, 1 found out I'm a genius. 1 bought these Legos and it says on the label from two to tour years. It only took me a month" Question: "How did the trial between Chubais and Berezovsky end up?" Answer: "The prosecutor got fifteen years in prison." A Russian company is hauled to court because they haven't paid taxes for some time. The judge shakes his disapproving finger at the young female bookkeeper who represents the company. "Do you know what you can get for not paying taxes?" 398 DEMOKRATIZATSI YA The girl replies, "My boss told me about $3,000." A New Russian is a defendant in court. The judge asks him, "Do you have any last words?" "Ten thousand," the New Russian says. Thejury is sent out to deliberate his fate. The next day, another New Russian faces the same judge. "I)o you have any last words?" This defendant answers, "Fifteen thousand" The judge sends the jury out to deliberate his fate. The next day, the judge asks another New Russian, "Any last words?" This one answers, "Fifty thousand" The judge turns to the jury. "You can deliberate right here" A jury is in deliberation and asks the judge for instructions. "How will we deal with these New Russians? The defendant gave us $7,000 and the plaintiff gave us $5,000. What should we do?" After ten minutes of thinking, the j udge says, "Well, 1 have an idea. Let's return $2,000 to the defendant and then we'll decide according to the law" After endless efforts to record his New Year address to Russian citizens, Presi- dent Yeltsin had to resign. A very poor social group in Russia today is schoolteachers. They decide to go to the Kremlin and complain to Yeltsin. "What do you want?" he asks. The teachers say, "Well you see, Boris Nikolaich, we don't have any money" Yeltsin thinks for a moment. "Well, uh, let's see, well, okay, go ahead and come in. 1 won't charge you" A train must stop suddenly because there is no more track ahead of it. Lenin asks all the passengers to come out and to work very hard to build a new track. Stalin shoots the passengers of the first coach and threatens to shoot another coach every two hours until the new track is built. Kruschev orders all the tracks from the back to move forward. Brezhnev Gloses all the windows and rocks the train back and forth to simu- late movement. Gorbachev does nothing but allows everyone to go out and yell, "We have no track. And we have nothing to eat in the dining car." Yeltsin orders a speedy attack on the Russian parliament in the hope that after that, everybody will forget about the railroad incident. On Yeltsin's official visit to America, President Bill Clinton and I-Iillary are there, fianked by bodyguards, and the national anthem is playing. Yeltsin walks off his plane, looking straight ahead. He doesn't react to anything around, walks to the end of the runway, and takes a little bit of dirt in his hand. He goes back onto the airplane and flies away. Everyone is shocked. The next morning, the White House receives a telegram from Russia saying it was a technical mistake. It seems the president was programmed as Moon Car 1. "New Russian" Humor 399 Clinton, Yeltsin, and Lukashenko went to the church and asked Jesus, "What is our happiness?" Jesus says to Clinton, "tour happiness is that you have the best country in the world, and people live rich and secure lives there" He says to Yeltsin, "tour hap- piness is that your country has all the resources and raw materials the earth has to offer." Then he turns to Lukashenko. "tour happiness is that both my hands are nailed down" Clinton calls Yeltsin and says, "Boris, we have a big disaster. All of our factories that produce condoms have been destroyed by terrorists. It's a catastrophe for Americans. Can you help us?" Yeltsin says, "Yes, of course" "But can you do me a favor?" Clinton asks. "Can you make all the condoms two feet long, six inches wide, with a blue stripe?" Yeltsin thinks, "My god, what penises they have in America!" He calls his prime minister and says, "We have to produce one million condoms for Ameri- cans. They have to be two feet long, six inches wide with a blue stripe." "Right away," says the prime minister. "Oh, and one more thing," Yeltsin says. `Be sure each condom says `made in Russia' and `size medium."' Yeltsin finds a genie in a bottle, who says to him, "Release me, Boris Nikolaich, and I'11 grant you your biggest wish." Yelstin says, "But 1 have everything.