Notes from TOaD HaLL Issue #3 ~ 2013 Summer into Fall renching Yourself Today I wrenched myself. I wonder what to make of it. (Sometimes writing Wdown the details helps a story sort itself and you begin to understand. Oh, this is about this. Or that. Perhaps that will happen this afternoon. Perhaps I’ve distorted my life to fit a particular theory or, or, …) I left for the mall this morning after a meeting with Marcy, Ransom’s bookkeeper. It had to be a quick stop on my way to the bank. After my business at the mall, I quickly headed for the car. Looking up and down the row, I could not see our car anywhere. I pressed the “honk” button on my keys, but didn’t hear a thing. I stood puzzled. (These are frightening moments for because I have big, important people my age. Our brains begin writing deadlines and should be frantically beeping. Red alert! putting words on paper right Red alert! And worse than the this second. As I came out, I brain not finding a reason to passed Marcy on her way into console the heart, is when it the bank with a Ransom deposit. finds nothing at all. Nothing.) I waved and smiled. Outside, I One way I remember where stopped and thought, why, I park is by recalling which Margie, you could save her a direction I was headed when I trip back to our house if you found an empty spot – was I waited a minute for the receipts. pointed toward the entrance kindness to strangers, not receiving That was when I turned around, or away? I knew it was toward. Wasn’t it. She finally left me alone in a desert tripped on the curb and fell face down. it? I looked in the next row, but the of cars and walked toward the doors. I could attribute this weakness to car wasn’t there either. Or the next. Complete in my humiliation, I looked the achy joints I’d been nursing all That was when a woman getting out up at the sky, and that was when, week, but again, I don’t think that of her SUV stopped to ask if I’d lost entirely explained this either. For what seemed like hours, I lay on the wrench |renCH| sidewalk. More humiliation. Why did Verb [with obj.] God allow this? (God is remarkably patient with unjustified blame.) My ~ pull or twist (someone or something) suddenly and violently… knee felt exploded, my wrist hurt ~ injure (a part of the body) as a result of a sudden twisting movement… and I had managed to hit my lip on ~ turn with a wrench… the sidewalk. Our bank is a very quiet ~ archaic distort to fit a particular theory or interpretation… place and not a soul came in or out, nor did a car drive past as I finally pulled myself to a sitting position through some kind of electrifying and sat thinking that if anyone did my car. Embarrassed, I admitted yes. nerve-burst, (God? Holy Spirit?) I come along and express the smallest Was my wandering that obvious? She remembered I had driven Anita’s car, degree of sympathy I would begin sympathetically recalled, I did that not our own. And her car happened sobbing. No. I’d wail. Loud, mournful just last week. Looked everywhere. to be the one sitting right in front of howls. With more groaning, I hoisted Couldn’t remember where I’d parked. me. I gave a loud groan (I may have myself up and hobbled to the car. What color is your car? Dark blue, cussed) and the lady who Ford 500. Why it’s right there! she was still within earshot pointed. No, that’s a Chevrolet. Shall hollered, Did you find it? Did I drive you around? I can do that. Why you find it?! Then I had to don’t I? No, no, it’s okay, it’s got to be explain that I had forgotten right here somewhere. I’d borrowed a car …. This does not really explain, By then I was mentally calling Denis though, does it? to tell him our car had been stolen. Really, she insisted, I can take you. This was too much kindness; I had to Twisting the Wrench refuse. I should be the one showing I headed to the bank in a hurry to get back home 2 Notes from Toad Hall I’m home now. Working from themselves. Play. Get rest. Get bed. I was planning on having refreshed. what I call a “Bed Day” anyway. To be honest, I need help. I tell myself this since it looks “Professional” help. Not that I’ve like I’ll need more time for ever had a problem with others recovery from recent travels getting counseling – but for me and schedule. Now that I’ve I’ve always felt we couldn’t afford added more body parts to the cost or the time. Now that the problem, how will I get I’m seeing this person, I’m sorry I everything done that needs waited so long. I was all prepared doing? I’ve received plenty of to understand how Denis’ sympathy at home. Denis problems affect me and how if he suggests I begin using a Bed day changed, then I’d get all better. walker (right, dude) but he has But the first thing this counselor brought me ice tea, my cell threatens your life. suggests is that I might want to phone, and a pillow. Anita says she’ll Denis replies with half his brain read a book called Boundaries: When to make lunch. (She made supper, too.) intact, “Number 3,” then falls back say yes, how to say no to take control asleep. of your life by Cloud & Townsend. I’m Distorting to Fit I’m going with it. I gave my word. like awwwwww. I heard about it forever, That morning, I had awakened early But let me tell you, it’s not so but was quite sure it was full of stuff from a fitful night. Denis seemed easy. My being, my life, my brain are I already knew. I dutifully ordered it awake when I asked him what he programmed to kill self before giving because I am, after all, Responsible thought about a dilemma I was up. I am a responsible, committed, Oldest Child and wish to please. pondering: I need to write this issue dependable, boundary- Taking care of Notes From Toad Hall and it takes less, hard-working of yourself by hours of work and concentration. wretch and God forbid What Christ saying “no, I can’t” There’s no way I’ll make this someone should find is a troublesome Saturday’s deadline. But we are going me floating on an air calls us to thought to those away for two nights next week. Days mattress in some lake isn’t the same thing who want to follow off are difficult to manage around somewhere. as saying yes Christ whatever here because Toad Hall is also our I know, that’s sick. to everyone the cost and will work, our offices. It is everywhere But what can I do bleed from every and cries to us. From the basement about it? and everything. orifice in order to the attic we hear it calling “Emails, Maybe THAT is to say yes. It is emails, emails! Phone call! Doorbell, what the morning also troublesome doorbell! Read me, read me.” I thought was about?! I wrench for those of of three options: 1. Simply look at myself and finally get us who see the days as time for Denis to take the message? Fall down, rack my that our current culture basically off. I would go along, but keep working. knee, hobble around with a walking encourages everyone to be efficiently 2. Limit self to 3 hours of work each stick, and go to bed immediately self-indulgent, self-focused, and to day and the rest of the time be after supper because I think I need never restrict our pleasure. I do know off the grid. 3. Or just believe you to save the world and fix every little this. Denis and I – to prove we stood need this time away, too. Kick your whatever? And the firm answer against this at one point – sold schedule in the butt. You made it up is YOU CAN’T. I’m expert at telling everything we had. Gave away all our yourself, anyway, not some CEO who others that they need to take care of money AND our car in order to prove Summer into Fall 2013 3 we wanted to be good As I sat on the hot pavement disciples. This, I now see, after falling; it suddenly was not good discipleship. occurred to me; Marcy We were idealistic and needed to come back to our had no idea how to follow house anyway, so what was God with every ounce of I thinking?! Well, I think that our being unless we gave for years I’ve been following ground to every need that a path of trying to rescue stirred our hearts. people from their house fires, even if they’re not Touching others real. This is not what Christ after all requires of me. He often left As I read the book and try the multitudes and all their to listen with unbiased needs behind for various ears, every so often it hits Me floating in the Frio River in Texas reasons.