THE KOALA VOLUME V ISSUE III KOALA ELECTION COVERAGE: OBAMA WINS! November 3, 2008 You bet $100 that he can’t suck a popsicle dry, while naked, in under thirty minutes Page 2 Good News! Our editor went back on his meds! Thank you politics. BELIEVE IT OR FUCK THE FUCK OFF: Thank you Mr. Poet. You got arrested on the week before our print. Alaska rep’s both East and West You finished our issue for us. Thank you for being the A.S. President we all hoped you would be when we decided to not bother voting. Thank Coast’s you Barack for scaring the shit and miscarriages out of the Midwest. Thank you McCain for countering a Black man with a woman. Thank you Sarah Palin for scaring the shit and piss out of almost everyone. Thank you Christians for standing true against those homos and the horrors they committed upon the true “breeders.” Thank you California and it’s reefer laws for collectively massaging the swollen prostate of the Supreme Court of the United States. Thank you Jack for your Hardy Breakfast Bowl. Thank you Indians for keeping the pilgrims alive and forever securing your fate of being constantly repressed and mocked. Thank you NFL for providing a game each and every Thanksgiving. Our thanks to you Student Activities and Campus Life office for actually reading our application to be a club. Thank you “Angel” for being Doug Case’s friend. Thank you Halloween for two weeks of costumes and the awesome bottom half of ass cheeks. Thank you family pact for supplying me with the gamut of STD tests for nay a penny. Thank you bitches for the Asian/white girl war that erupted on our Personals page. You finished our Personals page, and I definitely saw some nipple. Thank you Tailgate Beer for agreeing to never send us a Hefeweizen again. However, your Amber Ale is still making ladies wetter than a slip n’ slide full of chil- dren. Thank you Uncle Randy for the advice on unbuttoning your pants after a monstrous Thanksgiving meal, and no thank you on your request for a foot rub. And finally, thank you Daily Aztec for motivating our readers to flock to the freedom steps each month. -Ed President Eric O, Ballzach, KristyEzBake, BuzKill Vice President DannyW, George L, RyanH Secretary Alex T, Alex M, Jamems, Luc Beer Bitch Alyssa, Graham Nosebleed, JeffW, Angel Asshole Sam Skillz, JRhode Pitcher Wench Nasthap, Katie, Maggie, SarahK November 3, 2008 The Koala at SDSU www.sdsu.koalahq.com Page 3 WORLD FAMOUS KOALA TOP 5 LISTS!!1! Top 5 Things going through the A.S. Presidents Kids After Top 5 alternatives for the Pearl Necklace: mind while being arrested: 5. Trig Palin – Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 1. Pearl uvula 1. They’ll never find that 8 ball of coke I shoved rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrru 2. Pearl anklet up my ass 3. Pearl knee brace 2. Good thing I just smoked all my weed and Top 5 Things to Stuff a Turkey With: 4. Pearl hearing aid didn’t drink tonight. 1. Your stock certificates 5. Pearl dingleberry 3. Dude.... I’m so fucking high right now... I’m 2. Jews 6. Pearl Harbor probably going to be in the Koala.... 3. TailGate Amber Wave 7. Mother of Pearl 4. I sure hope this will make people think I am 4. Government cheese “cool” again. 5. Trig Palin Top Five Rejected Marketing Slogans for 5. I’m totally missing ER right now! Grand Theft Auto 4: Top 5 Changes in Belgian Budweiser: 1. When Triangle buttons are outlawed, only Top 5 Recreational Activities to do with Obama: 1. Costs 4 Euros a liter outlaws will have triangle buttons. 1. Rolling down the street 2. Rednecks have switched to Coors 2. Cause’ you’re too afraid to get a real hooker 2. Smoking indo 3. You call it Büd-viser 3. Cause’ you’re too poor to get a real hooker 3. Sippin’ on gin and juice 4. Remove all references to Hitler on product 4. Ever wanted to beat an old lady with a bat and 4. Laid back containers get away with it? 5. With your mind on your money and your money 5. Clydesdale horses replaced by husky Belgian 5. You’re not black this time on your mind housewives Top Five SDSU Based Goosebumps: Top 5 Recreational Activities to do with Mc- Top 5 Entrees that were not present at Thanks- 1. Stay Out of the Frat Basement Cain: giving but should have been: 2. Welcome to Hell Week 1. Basketball 1. BLP (Bacon, lettuce and pussy) 3. Go Eat Sperms! 2. Badminton 2. SHUT THE FUCK UP GRANDMA!! Pie 4. One Day at Whoreland 3. Patting your head while rubbing your belly 3. Slurpees 5. My Hairiest Adventure at AEPhi 4. Answering questions in class 4. Lobster 5. High-fiving 5. Turkey placenta Top Five Costumes for Carl Weathers: 6. Worshiping Jesus in Christian rock 1. Barack Obama Top 5 Reasons to Take Your Condom Off: 2. Chubbs Top 5 Things to Trace Instead of your Hand to 1. Because the most interesting man in the world 3. Apollo Creed Draw a Turkey: doesn’t wear a condom. But when he does. He 4. Lando 1. Your inner labia prefers a Dos Eques bottle 5 A black actor that all females are unaware of. Oh 2. Grandma’s underarm 2. Your penis is suffocating wait... 3. Your friend’s hand 3. Their mouth fits better 4. A flipper 4. I want to feel the rape Bottom 5 Musicals: 5. Her Foreskin 5. Because a baby is the cherry on top of involun- 1. Just the tip, The Musical tary incest 2. Challenger Explosion, The Musical Top 5 Things to be Thankful For: 3. Greedy Jews, the prequel to The Producers 1. TailGate Ale Top 5 Reasons a Pre-Theater Major Goes to 4. Urinetown (we don’t forget) 2. Santa SDSU: 5. Rent 3. Your stunt cock 1. Nothin’ beats our benches 6. Hellen Keller: The Family-Fun Children’s Sing- 4. Midgets (hilarity in ‘’29!) 2. No GPA requirement a-long Musical! 5. Carl Weathers Rape 3. Urinetown 7. Schindler list the musical: Electric Jewgaloo 4.You’re looking to transfer to a puppeteering Top 5 Reasons McCain didn’t win: degree Top Five Reasons To Take A Date out to a Hoo- 1. Palin’s brood isn’t old enough to vote yet 5. You always wanted to have your dreams de- kah Bar: 2. Blinked himself to death stroyed 1. Immediately see readiness to suck on some- 3. Tried to raise his arms over his head thing. 4. His quivering jowls Top Five Rarest People At SDSU: 2. You know Persians won’t be stealing your date. 5. So many old people driving to the polls at once 1. Legal Americans 3. You can look cool in front of all of her high closes down roadways 2. A good football team school classmates. 3. A black person not in a group 4. Blowing rings = instant vaginal wetness Top 5 Reasons Obama Didn’t Win: 4. Computer Science professor that speaks English 5. French inhaling = instant blow job under table 1. Free popcorn chicken giveaway on election day 5. AS President without an arrest record 6. Flavored tobacco will hide the taste of semen 2. He’s been on the cover of the Koala later 3. Black votes don’t count. Do they? Top 5 Reasons to Put Your Condom On: 7. Save money on weed 4. McCain is whiter 1. It’s cold out 8. Cause you don’t care about what she wants to 5. Democrats are the party of the succession 2. She’s a Theta do 3. To break it over her head once you fill it 9. Because you don’t want to get laid Top 5 Animals to Eat Instead of Turkey on 4. She may be dead, but the Chlamydia ain’t Thanksgiving: 5. When you rape a chick, you rape every chick 1. Toucan Sam that chick has raped Top User Submitted List: 2. Tony the Tiger 3. Count Chocula Top Five Responses to “I’m Pregnant”: Top Five reasons to mock at the handicapped: 4. Honeycombs Beast 1. And you’re also single! 1. They can’t fight back 5. Jive turkey 2. lol k thanx bye 2. They never want to drag race 3. I shouldn’t have fucked a Palin 3. Lazy bastards never want to take the stairs Top Five Things You’d do to Bristol Palin: 4. Falcon kick! 4. Not a single one of them has put rims on their 1. Poke her unborn child with my dick so hard that 5. Let’s go get drunk at Six Flags to celebrate! chair it would have dimples 5. They look like they have escaped from a S. Dali 2. Eat American Peanut butter out of her asshole Top Five Funniest Sounding Words: painting 3. Drill baby, drill. 1. Cabbage 4. Fuck in the White House 2. Dick-flap Can You Do Any Better? 5. Falcon Punch! 3. Ragamuffin Think about it. 4. WNBA Write it down. Top 5 Books The Palin Family Wrote: 5. Niggercunt Send it online. 1. Nailin’ Palin: An Erotic Novelization 6. Benji www.sdsu.koalahq.com 2. Bristol Palin - What’s a condom? 7. Batrachomyomachia (which translates to “Battle Do it. 3. Todd Palin – How to Secede in Politics of the Frogs and Mice”) It will make you feel good. 4. Sarah Palin - Parts of A Gun You Can Name You can see your funny in print.