❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ PÆAN TO PRIAPUS ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ III AN ANTHOLOGY OF MULTI-MEDIA SLASH FICTION VOLUME THREE WARNING: THIS ANTHOLOGY CONTAINS SAME SEX, ADULT ORI- ENTED MATERIAL. IT WILL NOT BE SOLD TO ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN. Published by: Oblique Publications PO Box 43784 Tucson, AZ USA 85733-3784 [email protected] http://www.oblique-publications.net Send SASE or email for information. Age statement required. Pæan to Priapus III is an amateur publication, copyright © Oct. 1991 by Oblique Publications. All rights reserved. This copyright is not intended to infringe upon or conflict with other holders of copyrights. No reprints of any type are permitted without express, written permission of the publisher and individual contributors involved. ÎÎÎÎÎ ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ Also available from Oblique Publications the OBLAQUE series (Blake’s 7 slash) Oblaque Oblaquer Oblaquest Oblaque IV: to be taken intravenously Oblaque V: in venery veritas the BENT COPPERS series (The Professionals slash) …As a £3 Note …As Two £3 Notes the PÆAN TO PRIAPUS series (multi-media and literary slash) Volumes I and II This volume of Pæan to Priapus is dedicated with love to LDM, tolerant, long-suffering hus- band who seems to lose me to the computer for weeks at a time. (Sorry dear, no great white whangers this time. Can you wait til next?) —CKC ÎÎÎÎ 2 ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ PÆAN TO PRIAPUS III ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ ÎÎÎÎÎ ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ PREFACE CONTENTS CAROLINE K. CARBIS, EDITOR ENGLISH DETECTIVES Welcome to our third time out with this series. Several A Gentleman’s things set this issue apart. First, I’m sorry to disappoint Gentleman 4 Blake’s 7 fans, but there is only one B7 story; that’s just the M. Fae Glasgow way things worked out. Second, you’ll find three related stories under the general title ‘English Detectives’. M. Fae CIVIL SERVANTS Glasgow picked three favorite literary ’tecs and did her usual Back Alley 15 ‘what if’. Some of the characterizations are based on the L. A. Scotian written word while others are drawn more from televised Just a Kiss 24 versions. Third, there is another general heading of ‘Civil Dawn Woods Servants’. Here you’ll find Wiseguy and The Professionals. You’ll also find a novella about Peter Balliol, the MP character ENGLISH DETECTIVES from For the Greater Good. Finally, somewhat after the fact, Quantum of Solace 31 M. Fae and I realized that AIDS is also a recurring theme. M. Fae Glasgow With one exception, it doesn’t dominate any story (and even then the story is not about death and dying, but about ODDS, SODS… human rights and how we treat the living). Fiction and Triple Cross 51 fantasy (and slash is certainly lovely fantasy) allow for J. M. anything, but the Glaswegian feels that the contemporary, Fabrication 53 more realistic pieces she does sometimes simply have to Mona Moore acknowledge the plague of our day. The Cat’s Miaow 54 And now, dear reader, enjoy the zine. Until the next issue! Cally Fornia Donia …AND REBELS Assault 57 Emma Scot CIVIL SERVANTS Nanny’s Teddy Tales and Other Bedtime Stories: Bedtime Story 70 Edi N. Burgh Wrong End of the Stick 80 Gael X. Ile ENGLISH DETECTIVES Carpe Diem 95 M. Fae Glasgow CIVIL SERVANTS Question Time 114 M. Fae Glasgow ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ PÆAN TO PRIAPUS III ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ 3 ÎÎÎÎ A GENTLEMAN’S GENTLEMAN ÎÎÎÎÎ M. FAE GLASGOW ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ A GENTLEMAN’S GENTLEMAN ENGLISH M. FAE GLASGOW DETECTIVES I have based this story on “YOUR MAN B UNTER is an absolute treasure, isn’t he, Peter old the books alone, and with bean.” no reference to the televi- Lord Peter Wimsey waved his recently-removed sion adaptations, but you, boutonnière in the vague and general direction of his obviously, must feel free to confidential man and assistant. “He’s my right hand, couldn’t bring any interpretation of do a thing without him, don’t you know. He’s my only bastion your own to this. I’ve taken against falling into the dread Abyss of utter Chaos. Without information given in several my Bunter, life would be simply too, too dreadful to contem- of the books, most notably plate.” details given of Lord Peter’s Mr. Bunter, the perfect gentleman’s gentleman of the relationship with Bunter, the imperturbable sort, merely said: “More coffee, my lord?” terms of affection used “M’m, an’ once that’s over the old palate, I do rather think (although I took the liberty of we shall have a new bottle of brandy. Perfect way to end our stealing Lord Peter’s affec- little adventure in sleuthin’, what? A fine 1800 Napoleon, tionate ‘acushla’ from absolute heaven an’ quite the right reward. Have you Parker and giving it to finished potterin’ about in the dinin’ room yet?” Bunter), also the triggering- “Not quite, my lord.” point of Lord Peter’s night- “Well, when you have, do join us for a spot of brandy an’ mares. I have chosen to then a cigar before bed, why don’t you. After all, without you, expand upon subtle, doubt- Bunter mine, we would all be sittin’ up to our necks in the lessly entirely innocent muck an’ mire of that damned ornamental pond instead of details in the books (such as sittin’ here at our ease an’ in luxury, secure an’ dashed Lord Peter’s pleasure over content with ourselves. You shall,” he added expansively, ‘charmin’ things’ written to “have that new-fangled camera lens after which you have him in a letter from Mervyn been pinin’ so silently. Or anythin’ else that has stolen your Bunter; Lord Peter reaching fancy away, Bunter dear.” out to Bunter and then There was real affection in Lord Peter Wimsey’s grey eyes racing off to his bath upon as he observed his servant, and then real concern as he being ignored by someone observed the slight puffiness under that worthy’s eyes. As he ‘too well-trained to notice’ was so fond of saying himself, beware theories, for if a man such things; the fact that has a theory, then one can be quite certain the man will see Bunter’s heart leapt in his nothing that he does not fully expect to be there. Signs of breast when his master mere mortal fatigue were not something he had ever thought chose him instead of his new to see on the redoubtable Bunter’s face, and therefore, his bride; the occasion upon theorem that Bunter was unique and above human weak- which Bunter was so fearful ness kept him blind. Now, however, the scales were taken of Lord Peter’s life that he from his sight, and he saw that which he might well have quite forgot himself and noticed before. “Have I been deuced beastly to you recently, neglected to add ‘my lord’ Bunter?” at the end of every sen- “No, my lord,” this said as Bunter made his rounds of the tence uttered). Of such room, refilling the other two brandy glasses, that of the small innocences are large Honourable Freddy Arbuthnot and that of Mr. Parker, Lord degeneracies built. Peter’s policeman friend. ÎÎÎÎ 4 ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ PÆAN TO PRIAPUS III ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ M. FAE GLASGOW ÎÎÎÎÎ A GENTLEMAN’S GENTLEMAN ÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎÎ “Are you quite sure? Bit of a drooping “Good-night, Bunter, good-night. An’ I say, flower tonight, wouldn’t you say, Freddy?” do leave all the dreadful household drudgery This appeal being made to the young man tonight—I shan’t want to find you scrubbin’ upon whom Lord Peter could usually depend out the scullery when you should be in bed, for prompt and heartfelt agreement, regard- don’t you know!” less of topic. Another slight nod, and then the door was “Bunter? Your man Bunter will be as fresh shut and Bunter was gone, borne away on as a daisy when we three are all dead asleep silent feet. in out beds, old bean. Nothing to worry about Without the restraining civility of Lord there, is there, Bunter?” Peter’s man-servant, the brandy and the “No, sir, nothing at all.” language began to flow somewhat more freely, “I suppose you rather enjoyed all the ex- the beginning chit-chat of the recovered ru- citement of our recent sleuthin’, what?” Lord bies and apprehended ladies man giving way Peter said, in his usually hearty, rather fop- to discussion of those matters gentlemen pish manner that served him very well in his prefer to air either only in the stanchioned attempts to hide his light under a bushel, in privacy of their Clubs or in the lesser loftiness order that he could thusly observe all the of the living-rooms of bachelor friends. more closely without arousing the suspicions The conversation, eventually, and as it of the observed. “An uncommonly bright always did, turned back upon itself to the Watson!” subject of Bunter. “Yes: and thank you, my lord. Does your Eyes half-closed, Parker surveyed the de- lordship require anything else?” the flawless struction of the living-room, glasses and man-servant