Bates College SCARAB The aB tes Student Archives and Special Collections 5-20-2015 The aB tes Student - volume 144 number 21 - May 20, 2015 Bates College Follow this and additional works at: https://scarab.bates.edu/bates_student The Bates SP4fl>ENT GO AHEAD AND YAK DISPARAGING THINGS ABOUT US...WE DON’T CARE WEDNESDAY M.iv 20. 201') Vol. 144, Issue. 21 Lewiston, Maine Planche and Spencer Bates campus capture NESCAC doubles crown relocating to Freeport where Bates admissions is sorely J. BARBATO lacking.” WHO ARE YOU? Students’ reactions to the move On Monday morning, Presi¬ are unilaterally positive, of course, dent Spencer announced in an ex¬ because we’re all pretentious assholes clusive interview with WRBC that who love to shop. the Bates campus will be relocated “Um, yeahhhh I’m in favor of to Freeport in September 2015. moving to Freeport!” a sophomore “I proposed the idea to my fel¬ gushed. “Now I can finally spend low administrators last month in my free time burning incense in a moment of spontaneity, and the Mexicali Blues and napping in those decision was passed on Friday by a comfy L.L. Bean tents; I won’t even unanimous vote,” she revealed on miss TJ Maxx in Auburn anymore.” the airwaves. “At first I was shocked “And Mexicali Blues is defi¬ that I got so much support, but my nitely a hipster enough replacement colleagues obviously support me in for Guthrie’s and the Ronj,” another my shopaholic tendencies and my sophomore added from his perch need for a legitimate coffee shop in beside a Quad slackline. “As an ac¬ walking distance from campus.” tive member of the Entrepreneurs She elaborated, “Everybody Club, I actually intend to make a knows I only give a shit about the business deal with Mexicali that will Planche and Spencer share a tender moment on the court PHYLLIS GRAB-YER JENSEN/BATES COLLEGE U.S. News and World Report rank¬ allow us to recreate aspects of the ings, and currently Colby is ahead Ronj within the store—all it needs is The duo showed incredible pizzazz and will compete at the of Bates, so it’s only fitting that we a few espresso machines among the abandon our Lewiston community tie-dye and we’ll be up and running NCAA Tournament next week for the greener pastures of tourists in no time.” and outlet stores.” One group at Bates that is los¬ while injured. At times, Planches hour, her competitive streak allowed As an institution that prides ing something from this deal is the GUY WHO LURKS IN JB BASEMENT mobility suffered, but Spencer was her to overcome lanky WASPs in itself on its abolitionist roots and Harward Center for Community WEARS A RED SOX CAP always there to pick up the slack backwards hats. the illusion of co-education, Bates Partnerships, which will officially Despite a nagging foot injury, with her trademark pizzazz on the “She would pretty much trash will surely abuse the crap out of the not exist once Bates relocates cam¬ senior stud Pierre Planche teamed court. Planche and Spencer had talk everyone’s ear off. Clayton’s “free” in “Freeport.” There is linger¬ pus. up with President Clayton Spencer a partnership that was rarely seen literally the Kevin Garnett of New ing speculation that students will get “Freeport just doesn’t need our to defeat two Amherst dudes from among teammates. The duo was England tennis. The umpire gave a day off in January to celebrate a help,” said Darby Ray, Director of Westchester, 6-3, 6-2, at this week¬ well known for spending almost her a code violation against Colby highly sanitized history of Bates in the Harward Center. “There’s no end’s NESCAC Doubles Champi¬ every waking moment of their lives for going on a McEnroe-esque rant order for the Press Herald to write more community service for us to onship. together. about their inferior approach to the about something other than a party give. It’s unfortunately a really flour¬ “At first I thought it was insane “Clayton is a big movie lover, liberal arts,” Planche said. gone wrong. ishing city. It’s only slightly more when Coach Gastonguay told me really into chick flicks,” Daddy said. With Planche graduating this “We’re chomping at the bit to bougie than a pasture outside Wa- that my partner would be a 60-year- “Sex and the City 2 is our personal spring, there will be another oppor¬ fully misrepresent ourselves through terville.” old woman,” Planche said. “Howev¬ favorite, it’s a rip-roaring ride with tunity for a talented underclassman lots of slideshows we’ll plaster on Students who previously have er, she is an animal on the court and my four favorite ladies and Clay¬ to team up with Spencer next sea¬ our website,” one admissions officer seemed extremely enthusiastic about constantly woke me up at 5 A.M. to ton really turned me on to the finer son. However, there are rumblings said. “Were excited to have a Pata¬ the hours they dedicate to volun¬ get in extra sets at Merrill.” points of the genre. We also love Le¬ on hardcore tennis internet forums gonia outlet and that store which teering in Lewiston are in fact not There was rumored tension gally Blonde.” that Spencer is using her Harvard sells shitty moose t-shirts. We want nearly as devastated as some would within the championship partner¬ Even though Spencer plays with contacts to land a transfer student as to attact way more of those West¬ think, as they “would rather spend ship early in the season when Spen¬ a wooden racket and has a serve her next partner. chester and Wellesley kids as pro¬ cer allegedly forced Planche to play that tops out at around 40 miles per spective students, a demographic See RELOCATION, PAGE 2 Health The definitive ranking of Center off-campus houses just gives up A. CUOMO I HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOING WELL After years of quixotic hours and thousands of Gatorade rem¬ edies, the Health Center has an¬ nounced that it will continue to be open 24 hours, 7 days a week, ex¬ cept for the following days: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Satur¬ day, and Sunday. Students can come in every third Monday between the hours of 12 and 12:30 to wait for approximately 15 minutes with 20 other students with the same cold before meeting with a nurse who will prescribe the proper dosage of Gatorade and cough drops. Nurse Ida Knoe told The Spu- dent, “After many years of working in the Health Center, we have de¬ duced that most Bates students are simply not really sick. I have had students come in with simple cases of broken limbs or walking pneu¬ monia and none of them seems to understand that Acetaminophen will fix all their ailments. It seems that the only way to stop them from wasting our time is to cut back on our hours.” 1) Burke 4) The Palace 7) Davis 10) Yellow Nurse Knoe assures us that the cutback on hours will not negatively Because everybody knows If you have never picked Filled with the biggest No one leaves until they affect the students’ health care. the swim team and their kegs up a ball/love gyrating naked, mustache-laden, dad-bod accept they aren’t getting laid. “We will be leaving a full cooler never get stolen. this is the house for you. sporting degenerates and our Bring your favorite jersey or of Gatorade just inside the door so Senior Class President. no shirt at all. that students can learn to take care 2) Yellow (on Derby Day) 5) Oak and Elm of themselves instead of bothering 8) 77 Nichols 11) The Zoo trained professionals with their ill¬ When Bates is actually a Great for DARTY’s, fresh¬ nesses, which in my opinion are state school for one afternoon. men need not apply. Every nights a party for “CBB, CBB, CBB!” (plus usually made up to get out of class.” these guys, you may able to arrests) A skeevy senior sporting a neon 3) Bardwell 6) Mountain Ave join in if they happen to in¬ tank top and American flag shorts vite people besides their girl¬ 12) White A great place to party and If you have no social friends. dance after a long day at the capital, head to the Alps for Obviously last. country club. throngs of sweaty freshmen. 9) Green See HEALTH CENTER, PAGE 2 If Security doesn’t kick you out by 11, these girls will. The Bates SPWENf May 20,2015 Successfull undercover investigation into Commons thefts ■ Though Donut would not reveal 9:03 PM: Arrive late for shift. PENIS WAVER the extent of Commons thefts, he LIKELY A FRESHMAN LAX BRO assured The Spudent that it would be delivery to Small House. Student refuses to pay for completely responsible and not at all less given ride to Rondevu. The Spudent has exclusively misleading to characterize it as “an learned that the Lewiston Police epidemic.” After seeing the amount Department has teamed up with residents of Small House pile in, clown car style. of rotten bananas, Chex Mix, and ■ Bates Campus Security to launch a melted frozen yogurt in the Lewis¬ sting operation targeting Commons at Rondevu complete. Tipped $3 and a #save- ton PD s possession, it’s hard to dis¬ erm sticker. thieves. Ever since an alarming in¬ agree with that assessment. cident involving 269 missing Italian “This has been a scourge on the almond cookies on March 6th, Secu¬ Bates and Lewiston communities id delivery to Smith.