November 2020 Someone Please give me Cigarette Page 2 Eats Glue Take a Deep Handie Samberg Gum in Hair Rat Junior Fucking Breath Diaper Warriors 10/10 Would get Shit Faced on Election Night Again Pissboi, Tiny Rock, Soy Kombucha Latte, Maturbation Enthusiast, Texas Toast, Hentia, Blackout Brady, Dear Ex-President Donald Trump, Watersportz, Coconut Head, Marmite, Chop Chop Revolution, Aynal Rand, Suck my dick, eat my ass, and lick my shit off the rim of the toilet. Thank fucking whoever the No Capes, Fleetwood Macdonalds, fuck created all of us for that shit show being over. Tom and, Flower Boy, Little Dybbuk Howdy everyone, Handie here. It has been some crazy times this November. There is a new Nap Avoiders president, the old president won’t accept it, and we are all still locked in our houses. At least that means we don’t have to come home for thanksgivings this year. My apology for any peo- Special Gay, Squirms McKenzie, Clifford the BIG, GoldiCocks, Silent, ple that are locked inside with their family. I sit in my high castle in San Diego eating pasta and Brotankula, Buster Hymen, Fuzzy Naval, questioning my life choices. Ah yes, my questionable life choices. Anyways this country is on a JohnMulBangMe, Lilo and Bitch, Pixy new path of hopefully being less racist and more accepting of others. Even with that us here at Pipe Dream, Sinus Baby, Based Sticker God, Manson Family Vacation the Koala will try and stay the drunken selves that we are. “Consistency in our addictions” is our motto. We try our best just for you, the readers. If for whatever reason you all miss seeing your family this november let me simulate some of the fun questions that would have been asked: Fork in Socket Kids “Why haven’t you graduated already?”; “What do you mean you don’t have a girl/boyfriend?”; “So, when are you going to stop going through THAT phase?”; “Oh, that is a real major?” Didn’t Brotendo64, Sharkboi, Mothman’s Slampiece, 99.9 Million Pilots, Absent, that make it feel like you were sitting at the table for Thanksgiving dinner? I hope not because Black Science Man, Boobs Radley, if so your family must suck. With all this said I miss seeing all of you on those misty Monday Comrade Illuminati, Thing 2,Slick, mornings. Sitting on the stairs annoyed that I have to go to class later and upset that I am not Big A$$ Bird, Tsar Keef Keef, Geyser Permanente, DominAsian, Juice Willis, in my bed. Until the day comes where we can see each others beautiful faces again I will be Leprechaun, Salty Dog, Piss/Shit/Cum, sitting, waiting for the moment that I can tell you all in person to take a mother fucking Koala. Nickelodeon, New Erik Fearless Slacker Extraordinaire, Handie Samberg Chop Chop Revolution November 2020 You call this a fucking PB&J Page 3 THE WORLD FAMOUS KOALA TOP 5’S Top 5 Alternative Ways to Spell Karen Top 5 Black Friday Hacks Top 5 Songs to Add to my Epic Sex Hot Playlist 1. Cretin 1. Security at goodwill sucks 1. Noises that Make you Poop: 10hr version 2. Amy Coney Barrett Top 5 Dads 2. George Orwell -Animal Farm (Audio book) 3. I believe that’s called cognitive dissonance 1. My dad (: 3. Kendrick Lamar-HUMBLE (Roblox Parody) 4. “Plantation wedding” 2. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz 4. Eating; Crunching And Mouth Sounds 8 HR 5. Fuck the Bath and Body Works in Appleton Top 5 ways to say I love you without actual- EXTENDED Version Wisconsin ly saying I love you 5. “Mine Diamonds” a parody of A-Ha’s Bottom 5 Big Dick Energies 1. Scaring them away hit,”Take On Me” 1. Having a slim jim for dinner 2. Having dreams about them yelling at you in a Top 5 Animals to Switch the Koala to bathtub and then texting them the next morning 2. Being a history major a picture of a hamster 1. AIDs monkey 3. Not taking a nap during nap time 3. Mix your farts under the covers 2. The cat that followed me around on my walk today and let me rub his belly 4. Boot cut jeans and flip flops 4. Endlessly try to harpoon them at sea, even- tually killing yourself in your hopeless dream of 3. Keep it koala but call it a “spirit leader” 5. .Littering finally hunting them down instead of a “mascot” Top 5 Excuses to Have Your Camera Off in a 5. Telling them I love you haha and then un- 4. Sloth since the papers always getting out Zoom Call sending the message late 1. You’re smoking crack 6. Drag them into your downward spiral, but, 5. A small feral child named benben like, feel really bad about it 2. Your classmates DO NOT deserve a free Top 5 Most Hungry Lads show 7. Leaving small mice and other offerings by their doorstep 1. The barracuda from finding nemo (he ate 3. My mom is beating my little brother in the ALL those motherfuckers) background Top 5 Switches 2. A kid in a pac man costume, asking for 4. I don’t like being reminded I have a physical 1. when i finally made the switch from coke to “pellets” at every house even though we’re not form which tethers me to earthly consequences meth doing trick or treat this year Top 5 Ways to Introduce Your Pissing Fetish 2. A Nintendo Switch For Women (NSFW) 3. Kirby 1. Introduce it into someone’s mouth 3. The self-destruct one 4. The top result in google images when you search “large boy” 2. Attach a cover letter 4. Using internet explorer purely for the sake of downloading chrome Bottom 5 Ways to Tell Someone You’re 3. “You’re gonna pee no matter what, you might Straight as well do it in my mouth” 5. A comically large lever 1. Wearing socks to bed 3. Ask them if they knew that squirting is basi- Top 5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life cally just pee 2. Support blue lives matter 1. Ball gags, but like instead of a ball, you have 4. Give and receive consent a harmonica in your mouth 3. Start a forest fire for your unborn baby Top 5 Reasons to Get Hit With a Belt 2. Incorporate power tools 4. Watch Jimmy Kimmel 1. Sex 3. Bring up the idea of having your wife join in 5. Show them your domestic beer bottle collec- on the fun tion 2. Your new Koala buttplug hasn’t come in yet 4. Crying before and after 6. Saying that you’re not not not gay 3. My dad came back 5. Invite your inlaws so it’s fun for the whole Top 5 Ways to Stage a Coup 4. Belt defense Classes family 1. Idk anything about setting up a stage, ask the theatre majors November 2020 Words that start with a silent X...GO! Page 4 Interview from the Front Line Frats and Goats and War Orb “It is only those who have neither drunk a shot nor What does being a “goat wrangler” actually heard the shrieks and groans of the blacked-out, who entail? cry aloud for drinks, more goats, more parties. War is hell.” -Some general or whatever. CP: “Like, I ride the goats into battle. They usually try to buck me off, so I’ve gotta grip ’em with my thighs and steer I come to you today from the war-torn region of the Phi Kappa ’em towards the neighbors. I try to get ’em in the dicks or Psi frat house, where the frat bros are waging war against their shins. Then I let the goats take a shit on their lawn. They’re long-standing enemies, their neighbors. This conflict has been usually hella constipated, so shit gets everywhere. I always raging for the last couple of months, and primarily concerns Phi make sure to fling shit at those fuckwads’ faces.” Psi’s goats. They have been parading their goats all around the fucking neighborhood, and their parties - which they still continue to Why do the goats shit so much? throw even though COVID is fucking still around. Local middle-aged residents who were unwilling to be exposed to the infectious dis- CP: “I actually came up with that idea! We usually feed ease, have started attacking these parties. The frat has responded them a shit ton of grass from the backyard, but I noticed by attacking the residents with goat shit. I sat down with a Phi Psi that they were shitting way too often. I think it’s the fiber. ground soldier and a sorority freedom fighter to get a perspective So like, now we just feed ’em raw meat and eggs and shit, on all sides of this conflict, and to understand the motivations be- to get em all proteined up. Then, when it’s time, we just hind this ongoing conflict. give 'em a little kick in the ass and it all comes squirting out!” Firstly, I talked to Chad P., Phi Kappa Psi Member and Goat Wran- gler. How is your war going? CP: “Honestly, I think we’re winning. There’s no way the Hi Chad, good morning. normies can stand up to the full weight of Phi Psi, and CP: “Sup, sup.” honestly we’re winning the moral battle. We deserve these fucking parties!!” So, let’s get started right away.