City University of New York (CUNY) CUNY Academic Works All Dissertations, Theses, and Capstone Projects Dissertations, Theses, and Capstone Projects 2-2020 A Grounded Theory Investigation of the Subjective Responses From Partners in Couples Where Infidelity Has Occurred Malika Bhowmik The Graduate Center, City University of New York How does access to this work benefit ou?y Let us know! More information about this work at: https://academicworks.cuny.edu/gc_etds/3628 Discover additional works at: https://academicworks.cuny.edu This work is made publicly available by the City University of New York (CUNY). Contact: [email protected] A GROUNDED THEORY INVESTIGATION OF THE SUBJECTIVE RESPONSES FROM PARTNERS IN COUPLES WHERE INFIDELITY HAS OCCURRED by MALIKA BHOWMIK, M.A., M.Ed A dissertation submitted to the Graduate Faculty in Psychology in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy, The City University of New York. 2020 © 2020 MALIKA BHOWMIK All Rights Reserved ii A Grounded Theory Investigation of the Subjective Responses from Partners in Couples Where Infidelity Has Occurred by Malika Bhowmik, M.A., M.Ed This manuscript has been read and accepted for the Graduate Faculty in Psychology in satisfaction of the dissertation requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy. Date Steve Tuber Chair of Examining Committee Date Richard Bodnar Executive Officer Supervisory Committee: Diana Diamond Robert Grossmark Paul Wachtel Diana Puñales THE CITY UNIVERSITY OF NEW YORK iii ABSTRACT A Grounded Theory Investigation of the Subjective Responses from Partners in Couples Where Infidelity Has Occurred by Malika Bhowmik, M.A., M.Ed Advisor: Steve Tuber This qualitative study investigates the subjective responses elicited by partners in long- term committed couples where infidelity has taken place. Each of these couples attended a couple therapy session in the aftermath of their experience of an affair, and the transcriptions of these therapy sessions served as the data set for this investigation. In their seeking of help, most couples articulated a broad, comparable trajectory of the issues; their post-affair understanding of their pre-affair relationship including the state of their pre-affair sex, the origins of the unfaithful partner’s ability to stray from the primary relationship, the impact of the affair on the couple, and the couple’s efforts to move beyond the affair. However, while some couples demonstrated an ability to arrive at new hope for the future of their relationship, others were unable to move past the challenges of the impact of the affair on the couple. Within the couples that were more focused on the impact of the affair, betrayed partners were more likely to remain in a state of anger and mistrust, while unfaithful partners maintained an effort to rationalize their actions. Within the couples that demonstrated an effort to move past their affair, partners experienced a greater degree of post-affair clarity, yielding a collaboration of strategies towards transcending the rupture caused by the affair. The study also explores implications for the clinical practice of couples who present to therapy due to infidelity, as well as suggestions for future research with this population. iv ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I am eternally grateful for my training at the City College clinical psychology PhD program. When I was granted admission into City, I hadn’t realized that I was being admitted not only into a doctoral program but a community of cherished friendships and brilliant mentors and supervisors that would hold and support me well beyond my graduate training. I am so thankful to be a piece of the expansive mosaic that is the CCNY clinical psychology program. To my committee, Steve Tuber, Diana Diamond, Robert Grossmark, Paul Wachtel and Diana Puñales, each of you has been instrumental in my development as a clinician. Your collective wisdom humbles and inspires me, and I am honored that you’ve been a part of my dissertation journey. I hope our paths continue to cross, and I can grow to feel worthy of calling myself your colleague. Esther Perel, I’d like to thank you for your immeasurable mentorship and generosity. You’ve given me so much more than riveting qualitative dissertation data. Taking in your wisdom all those late nights at your dining table working on The State of Affairs was instrumental in my growth both personally and professionally. Most of all, I’m deeply grateful for how, from the start, you’ve always treated me as a peer and a friend. Steve Tuber, on the day we met I made a joke, and to my delight you ran with it. Not long after, you taught a lecture on the simple but profound interplay of self, affect and other, a lesson that was centering and thought provoking. It’s this distinct balance of playful and grounded qualities that I’ve always appreciated in you, and that led me to see you as a kindred spirit and containing mentor. Of all the decisions that I needed to make throughout the dissertation writing process, choosing you as my committee chair was the easiest among them. v To Mom and Baba, there are no words that would do justice to the admiration and love that I feel for you. When I think of your courageous decision to immigrate to this country 45 years ago for your own chance at the American dream, I’m humbled and immensely grateful for your resolve to provide us all with a better quality of life. Watching your determination to build yourselves up in this country instilled in me a deep respect for hard work and big dreams. The driven and inspired woman (doctor!) that I am today is entirely the result of your example. This accomplishment of mine, like all accomplishments of mine, is a testament to all you’ve done for me. And to my greatest loves, Adam and Eamon. Adam, I love you so much! I am so thankful to have found in you a partner with whom I can grow. Through the highs and lows of my life as a doctoral student, I’ve been so fortunate to have you with me every step of the way. This accomplishment would not have been possible without your steadfast support and love. And to my bright light Eamon, who has ushered into my life a level of boundless joy that I could never have anticipated. Meeting you more and more each day has been the greatest delight of my life. I am in awe of you every minute. I am so proud of all that you already are, and I hope to always make you just as proud. vi CONTENTS Page TITLE PAGE i COPYRIGHT PAGE ii APPROVAL PAGE iii ABSTRACT iv ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS v TABLE OF CONTENTS vi LIST OF TABLES xi CHAPTER I: INTRODUCTION 1 CHAPTER II: LITERATURE REVIEW 4 Prevalence of Infidelity 4 Definition of Infidelity 5 Major Branches of Couple Therapy 11 Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy 12 The Gottman Couples Method 17 Cognitive Behavioral Couple Therapy 24 Structural Couple Therapy 35 Object Relations Couple Therapy 40 The Role of Subjectivity Within Major Branches of Couple Treatment 43 CHAPTER III: METHODOLOGY 45 Introduction 45 vii Sampling and Description of Participants 46 Data Analysis 48 Coding Process 51 Methodological Soundness 52 CHAPTER IV: RESULTS 55 Retrospective Conceptions of the Pre-Affair Relationship 56 The Roles of Each Partner in the Pre-Affair Relationship 56 The Quality of the Sex Pre-Affair 59 The Origins of the Affair 61 Feelings of Disillusionment 62 Family History and Infidelity 65 Improved Sense of Self in the Affair 67 Loss of Control 70 The Impact of the Affair on the Couple 71 Confirmed Suspicions 72 Emotional Intensity 76 Partners’ Roles Post-Affair 79 Betrayed Partner’s Shift in Identity 79 Betrayed Partner’s Broken Trust 80 Unfaithful Partner’s Focus on Context 82 Unfaithful Partner’s Shame and Guilt 84 Sex Post-Affair 85 Fall from Grace 88 viii The Couple’s Efforts to Move Beyond the Affair 90 Communication About the Affair 91 Anger and Resentment from Betrayed Partners 93 Reactions Towards the Affair Partner 94 Non-Monogamy 97 Post-Affair Clarity 98 Acknowledgement of the Betrayed Partner’s Pain 98 Acceptance of Mistakes 99 Strategies for Healing 99 Resilience of Self 99 Coping Within the Couple 100 Support from Family and Friends 101 Hope for the Future 102 New Horizons 102 Transcendence 104 CHAPTER V: DISCUSSION 104 Retrospective Conceptions of the Pre-Affair Relationship 105 The Roles of Each Partner in the Pre-Affair Relationship 105 The Quality of the Sex Pre-Affair 107 The Origins of the Affair 110 Feelings of Disillusionment 110 Family History and Infidelity 112 Improved Sense of Self in the Affair 114 ix Loss of Control 117 The Impact of the Affair on the Couple 118 Confirmed Suspicions 119 Emotional Intensity 120 Partners’ Roles Post-Affair 123 Sex Post-Affair 126 Fall from Grace 129 The Couple’s Efforts to Move Beyond the Affair 130 Communication About the Affair 130 Reactions Towards the Affair Partner 132 Non-Monogamy 134 Post-Affair Clarity 134 Strategies for Healing 137 Hope for the Future 139 Limitations of the Study 140 Implications for Clinical Practice 142 Suggestions for Future Research 144 REFERENCES 146 x LIST OF TABLES Page 1. Patient Demographic Information 54 xi CHAPTER I Introduction Infidelity is one of the most challenging and emotionally laden issues to treat in couple therapy. When a couple presents to treatment because of infidelity, it is almost always with considerable emotional turmoil. This breach of trust within a couple can result in intensely difficult emotional, relational, familial, financial and structural conflicts. The prevalence rates of infidelity in married couples in the United States have varied widely across studies conducted within the past 25 years, ranging from 20% to 71% (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael & Michaels, 1994; Sheppard, Nelson & Andreoli-Mathie, 1995; Atwood & Seifer, 1997; Choi, Catania & Dolcini 1994; Weeks, Gambescia & Jenkins, 2003).