1 CRYING AT THE PARTY SINCE 1997 APRIL 2017 Name: 5475/The Venue/ Villas on Guada Width: 60p0 URBAN STUDENT APARTMENTS NOW LEASING FOR FALL 2017 VenueOnGuadalupe.com · 512.473.3706 VillasOnGuadalupe.com · 512.220.0200 the GOOD issue BYE IN THIS ISSUE... Editor-in-Chief Grace Gilker Cole Gerthoffer Managing Editor Abby Hilling Contributing Editor Maryam Amjadi Design Director Carolina Treviño Distribution Director David Williams Social Media Directors Nora Greene Iman Shah Area man goes to different Applebee’s Area man squeezing own bicep while Crosswalk sign just a suggestion Head Videographers nodding to self location in effort to be spontaneous for local bad boy Connor McCampbell Suzuka Sampson Writing Staff Justin Lau Andrew Badger Josh Brenner Ben Kelder Lee Rudder Sanaa Prasla Elizabeth Dubois Adam Bucheister Bluebonnets along I-35 pleasant PCL introduces new, already- Ed Sheeran just a really carefree Nick Gatz Joe Morris distraction from pro-life billboards broken water fountain dude Terry Huang Vedant Peris • I have a fetish where I can only be • It’s not called heaven, it’s called intimate with someone in front of a Toontown Design Staff Sonia Margolin green screen • I threw in a Vancouver style citation Virginia Beshears • Do you think Gerald reads this? just to fuck with him Video Staff Sharmeen Somani • This small spoon works poorly with • It’s not you, it’s me. Actually, it’s your Sadie Lidji this large soup racist grandmother Administrative Assistants Arvind Ashok Zach Morrow • Can you vape maple syrup? • I put the ‘heet’ in ‘Cheetos’ Jackson Grabois Nadia Sadri Aakash Saraiya • There are only so many holes I can fill • God is bread • I think I’d drink the Kool-Aid if it was • Liking cornbread is rich people’s Berry Blast with burnt orange shirts Contact way of getting in touch with the • I’m tired of being funny only when • How many times will I have to tell Email: [email protected] them the turtle pond is a capitalist proletariat my cousin Joseph demands it Web: www.texastravesty.com Mail: Texas Travesty • UT Austin haven? • We didn’t start the fire, but we sure • The exams make up 70% of the grade PO Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • If history has taught us anything, did start the never-ending destructive but the sex is amazing it’s just never fucking be a Russian war in Afghanistan • The Loveshack has a really high Shout Outz To... peasant • Ideologically I’m like Indiana Jones: cover charge. Could we go to Arby’s Chandler Dean, Wiping Then Shitting, Famous • This wine pairs pretty well with this opposed to fascism for mainly art- instead? Amos, Tootsie Pops, BEING DONE bean dip history related reasons • If the glove doesn’t fit, just cut off a • Y’all think Kony’s still alive? finger or two Editors Emeritus Kevin Butler Ross Luippold 1997 2008-2009 Brad Butler Matt Ingebretson 1997-2000 2009-2010 Ben Stroud Alyssa Peters 2000-2001 2010-2011 Trevor Rosen David McQuary 2001-2003 2011-2012 Todd Nienkerk Katherine Swope 2003-2005 2012-2013 Kristin Hillery Nick Mehendale 2005-2006 2013-2014 David Strauss Chris Gilman 2006-2007 2014-2015 Veronica Hansen Josh Brenner 2007-2008 2015-2016 TEXAS STUDENT MEDIA Director Gerald Johnson Operations Manager Frank Serpas Advertising Manager Emily Cohen Editions Manager Stephen Salisbury Senior Designer Amanda O’Brien PLACE AN AD TODAY! 512-471-1865 [email protected] LEGALESE The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public ©2017 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Media, The Circulation: 4,000 University of Texas at Austin, or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property on the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, reguardless of the pretty pictures. THIS SHIT SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Obama in cold sweats after three months Late night birthday wishes from former PE without deporting a single child coach confirm suspicions BELIZE — Following a three month dry spell from deporting undocumented CARTHAGE, TX — By sending late-night happy birthday wishes to a former student, workers and their families, former President Barack Obama has reportedly begun retired gym instructor Alan Tuber confirmed every dark suspicion held by then- to experience symptoms of withdrawal. “It’s just so hard to give it up cold turkey, students of Carthage Elementary. “In retrospect it seems so obvious,” stated Julia you know? I’ve had such a fun time traumatizing Hispanic children across the Kanreki after reading all seven of Tuber’s identical messages requesting her ‘new age’ country,” said Obama as he stared blankly at the rehabilitation facility brochures and complimenting her eighth-grade composite photos. “Every young adult has that spread in front of him. “It’s so much harder knowing that the new guy is getting an ‘a-ha’ moment after realizing they’ve completely misjudged their old PE teacher.” At even better high than I ever did.” At press time, the former president was found in press time, Kanreki could be seen poring through old yearbooks, wracking her brain an unresponsive state after a sudden relapse resulted in the family gardener being for even one memory of Coach Tuber performing a kind deed. forced into an ICE van. God contemplating whether to create shark that can run around on land for a little bit at a time KINGDOM OF HEAVEN — According to a few crudely scribbled images found in his bedroom, God has been thinking about making a shark grow a pair of legs so it can run around densely-populated areas and really freak ‘em out. “He’s such a creative deity. You should have seen how excited he was when he came up with dinosaurs,” said Mother of God, God’s mother. “I still have his first crayon drawings of the earth on my fridge.” At press time, God was overheard telling his friends that maybe a flying shark would be even cooler. Travesty Fact #102: Technically glass is edible • 3 GROSSING LESS THAN THE TITANIC SINCE 1997 NEWS• 4 There are too many harmful regulations regarding the environment! Here are some fun new things you can do now that Congress is repealing them You can now go into public You can dump that box Plastic is now a section on Appalachian Mountains torn You aren’t morally obligated parks and shoot trees of your ex’s stuff right into the food pyramid down to make room for new to feel bad about Flint, MI a coral reef Mar-A-Mountain Man making group of friends laugh pretty sure he peaking right now AUSTIN — After cracking a pretty amazing joke to his group of friends, Fredrick Cankerton told himself that there was no way he was not peaking right now. “Wow, all five people laughed?” thought Cankerton as his friend came up to him, extended his arms to feel Cankerton’s raw aura, and immediately creamed his jeans. “Honestly, I didn’t know I’d peak so soon. My life isn’t even that great right now. I mean, my water bill is super Drunk man just wants you to know high. Is your water bill high? My water SAN ANTONIO — Feeling uninhibited enough to tell his gravest secret, bill is so high.” As of press time, Cankerton’s next joke fell flat amongst a group inebriated party-goer, Leslie Schubert, reportedly just wants you to know. of even more people. “Listen, I was in the war, the one in Afghanistan, I don’t know if it’s been named Donate Sperm, Get Paid! yet,” whispered Schubert loudly, spewing words and foam all over his unwilling Healthy men, age 18-39 confidante. “Probably called the Afghanistan War. There were a lot of innocent apply at people there, good dudes. One of them did my laundry, separated it into colors and whites.” Schubert allegedly went on to describe another man who would fold his clothes with almost no crease and may have hinted at a bombing before his words became too slurred to understand. 4 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com 5 • NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • APRIL 2017 There are too many harmful regulations regarding the environment! Here are some fun new things you can do now that Congress is repealing them Puppy mill no longer producing puppy Area man hasn’t seen hill he wouldn’t roll flour down PLANO, TX — Amidst growing outrage by community leaders, a puppy mill has BORGER, TX — According to family and friends, area geographer Mark Franwallis closed its doors to further production of puppy flour. “Enough is enough,” said has never seen a hill that he wouldn’t voluntarily roll himself down. “I fell in love mayor Truck Griddle in a press conference last month. “As much as the Plano You can now go into public You can dump that box Plastic is now a section on Appalachian Mountains torn You aren’t morally obligated with him because of it,” explained Franwallis’s wife as she gently massaged her economy depends on the sale of gluten-free puppy flour, we can no longer condone parks and shoot trees of your ex’s stuff right into the food pyramid down to make room for new to feel bad about Flint, MI husband’s shoulders.