IN SICKNESS, AND IN HEALTH Identity-based and Relational Discourses of Intimacy in the Early 21st Century Diana Borinski BA (Hons) UNSW Thesis submitted to the School of Social Sciences and International Studies, University of New South Wales, for the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy November, 2007 ORIGINALITY STATEMENT ‘I hereby declare that this submission is my own work and to the best of my knowledge it contains no materials previously published or written by another person, or substantial proportions of material which have been accepted for the award of any other degree or diploma at UNSW or any other educational institution, except where due acknowledgement is made in the thesis. Any contribution made to the research by others, with whom I have worked at UNSW or elsewhere, is explicitly acknowledged in the thesis. 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Date ................................................................. ABSTRACT What ways of being and knowing constitute the experience of healthy relational life? Ontologically, what takes place in the experience of meeting a loved one, face to face? What is ‘good communication’ in an intimate relationship? What does commitment enable in relational life, and what constitutes healthy dedication in marriages? This thesis addresses the above questions through a conceptual analysis of the dual nature of social life: identity-based, self-reifying, object-focused, atomised and oppositional, and dialogical, relational and present. It does so with the help of qualitatively analysed interviews of respondents talking about their experiences of committed intimate relationships. The first part of this thesis discovers that current social theory links the increased fragility of intimate relationships to the individualisation of social experience, and the rise of discourses that encourage reflexivity and personal responsibility. I discuss specific funding strategies the Australian Federal Government employs in seeking to manage the risk of marriage breakdown in the community. I argue that while a complex mix of rational-instrumental reasoning, the neo-liberal ethos of self- enterprise and some Christian norms of family life underlie much policy, the actual practice of marriage education in Australia has a community basis, and has much potential for real relationships. I offer a critique of risk-preventative discourses in marriage pedagogy, and show that the key terms used by clinical researchers draw on the same methodological individualism as the economic model of relational life. I argue that often, social theorists also reduce relationships to dyads of competing individuals exchanging themselves as goods, or bargaining for the best deal while using their investments as threat points. I suggest that the identity struggles that ensue from such alienated relations in intimate lives can be understood through the Hegelian binary oppositional model, and also, through some psychoanalytical theory on differentiation. This thesis suggests that on examination of couples’ relationships, we find a different ontological structure in relationality. Relationships have the potential to transcend their total, additive, atomised form and be experienced as wholes. Couples teach us that love is not just self-directed action; that choice can burden, but responsibility to what is present can be freeing; and that relational ‘success’ is more complex than simply staying together for life. CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.........................................................................................i LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS.....................................................................................1 INTRODUCTION...................................................................................................3 Experiments in living ....................................................................................5 This thesis ....................................................................................................7 Empirical research......................................................................................10 Recruitment ............................................................................................10 Sample and selection criteria..................................................................10 The interviewing process ........................................................................12 Processing..............................................................................................13 Centacare data .......................................................................................14 A poetics of methodology ...........................................................................15 1 THE CIRCLE OF INDIVIDUALISATION: INTIMACY IN THE EARLY 21ST CENTURY .....18 Liquid modernity.........................................................................................21 Pure relationships.......................................................................................24 Personalities on display..............................................................................26 Risk theory on relationships .......................................................................27 The politics of self-productions...................................................................29 Weber and the Frankfurt School.................................................................32 Rationalising marriage and family ..............................................................34 2 MARRIAGE AND FAMILY POLICY IN AUSTRALIA ................................................40 Legislation ..................................................................................................40 To Have and to Hold ..................................................................................42 Solutions ....................................................................................................44 Marriage is ‘good for you’ ...........................................................................48 3 MARRIAGE EDUCATION: PREPARING FOR LIFE TOGETHER OR PREVENTING DIVORCE? .......................................................................................................58 History of marriage education in Australia..................................................59 The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP).............65 PREP in practice ........................................................................................67 Premarital Personal and Relationship Evaluation (PREPARE):‘Failing to prepare is like preparing to fail’...................................................................69 Jack, Jill, but no crystal ball: Some problems with ex post facto problematisation.........................................................................................73 Terminology................................................................................................75 ‘I think we started to have problems really early on’: Natasha’s story ........77 ‘I just don’t want to be a statistic’: Bella ......................................................80 Risks, trust, faith.........................................................................................81 On pathologising change: The Legacy of Divorce reconsidered ................83 Implications for marriage education............................................................86 4 HOMO ECONOMICUS IN THE FAMILY HOME ......................................................88 Homo Economicus in modernity: The amazing self-selling product ...........88 Some history of exchange in marriage .......................................................92 Gary Becker and the economics of marriage and family ............................95