- {** V* >E* f THE WRITINGS OF MARK TWAIN VOLUME V THE PUDD NHEAD MAXIMS THESE WISDOMS ARE FOR THE LURING OF YOUTH TOWARD HIGH MORAL ALTITUDES. THE AUTHOR DID NOT GATHER THEM FROM PRACTICE, BUT FROM OBSERVATION. TO BE GOOD IS NOBLE; BUT TO SHOW OTHERS HOW TO BE GOOD IS NOBLER AND NO TROUBLE. 4 . ILLUSTRATIONS PHOTOGRAVURE PROTECTING THE LADIES . Thomas Fogarty . Frontispiece THE OLD SETTLERS . Dan Beard . 194 THE GOVERNOR S PROCLAMATION 266 (vii) CONTENTS CHAPTER I. The Party Across America to Vancouver On the Steamer Warrimo The Captain The Brightest Passenger Rem edy for Bad Habits Remittance-men 15 CHAPTER II. Change of Costume Fish, Snake, and Boomerang Stories Tests of Memory A Brahmin Expert General Grant s Memory ~ A Delicately Improper Tale 26 CHAPTER III. Honolulu Reminiscences of the Sandwich Islands King Liho- liho and His Royal Equipment The Tabu A Kanaka Diver Honolulu, Past and Present The Leper Colony . 41 CHAPTER IV. Leaving Honolulu The Front Yard of the Ship Crossing the Equator The Waterbury Watch The Loss of a Day A Babe without a Birthday 59 CHAPTER V. A Lesson in Pronunciation Reverence for Robert Burns The Southern Cross Islands on the Map Alofa and Fortuna Recruiting for the Plantations Captain Warren s Note-Book 72 CHAPTER VI. Missionaries Obstruct Business The Sugar Planter and the Ka naka The Planter s View The Missionary s View The Death Rate in Queensland 80 (ix) x Contents CHAPTER VII. in The Fiji Islands Suva The Ship from Duluth Midwinter Fiji \Vhy Fiji was Ceded to England Old Time Fijians Immortality with Limitations 89 CHAPTER VIII. A Wilderness of Islands A Naturalist from New Zealand The Fauna of Australasia Animals, Insects, and Birds The Ornithorhyncus Poetry and Plagiarism 98 CHAPTER IX. Australia Porpoises at Night The Harbor and City of Sydney Climate Information for Travelers Size of Australia Dust-Storm and Hot Wind 107 CHAPTER X. The Discovery of Australia Transportation of Convicts Disci pline English Laws, Ancient and Modern Arrival of Set tlers Development of the Country Immense Resources . 119 CHAPTER XI. Hospitality of English-speakers Sydney an English City with Ameri " " can Trimmings Squatters Wool and Mutton Aus tralians and Americans Table Talk Australian Audiences 125 CHAPTER XII. Mr. X., a Missionary Why Christianity Makes Slow Progress in India A Large Dream Hindoo Miracles and Legends Samson and Hanuman Where are the Gates? . .132 CHAPTER XIII. Public Works in Australasia Botanical Garden of Sydney Four Special Socialties Shark Fishing Cecil Rhodes Shark and his First Fortune Free Board for Sharks 136 CHAPTER XIV. To Melbourne Rail The of by Colony Victoria A Peculiarity at fences " Albury Customs- "My Word Rabbit Piles Government Restaurants " " Sheep-dip Railroad Coffee . 149 Contents xi CHAPTER XV. Wagga-Wagga Tichborne Claimant A Stock Mystery Plan of the Romance Realization The Henry Bascom Mystery The Author s Death and Funeral 155 CHAPTER XVI. Melbourne and its Attractions The Melbourne Cup Races Cup Day The Australian Larrikin Is He Dead? Australian Hospitality Museums Palaces Origin of Melbourne . 162 CHAPTER XVII. The British Empire The Trade of Australia To Adelaide Broken Hill Silver Mine The Scrub and its Possibilities The Aboriginal Tracker A Test Case 171 CHAPTER XVIII. Gum Trees Gorse and Broom An Adventurer Unique Busi ness by One Man Everything Comes to Him who Waits Healthy Religious Atmosphere 179 CHAPTER XIX. Public Gardens of Adelaide Laughing Jackass The Dingo Mania for Holidays Temperature Old Settlers at a Ban quet Intelligence of the Aboriginal The Boomerang . .189 CHAPTER XX. A Caller A Talk about Old Times The Fox Hunt An Accu rate Judgment of an Idiot How We Passed the Customs Officers in Italy 198 CHAPTER XXI. " " The Weet-Weet Victoria Killing the Aboriginals Pio neer Days in Queensland The Bush Pudding with Arsenic Revenge 207 CHAPTER XXII. Aboriginals Continued Manly Qualities Athletic Sports Where the Kangaroo Learned its Art Well Digging En durance Surgery Artistic Abilities Australian Slang . 217 xii Contents CHAPTER XXIII. Horsham Pepper Tree Agricultural College Fruit Trees Soils Sheep Shearing To Stawell Gold Mining Coun Trees . try Grapes and Wine The Three Sisters Gum 227 CHAPTER XXIV. Road to Ballarat The City Gold Strike, 1851 Rush for Aus tralia Taxation Revolt The Eureka Stockade " Pen " cil Mark Statuary at Ballarat Ballarat English . .236 CHAPTER XXV. Bound for Bendigo The Priest at Castlemaine A Valuable Nug get Mr. Blank and His Influence Corrigan Castle and the Mark Twain Club 245 CHAPTER XXVI. Where New Zealand Is But Few Know Things People Think They Know The Yale Professor and His Visitor from N. Z. 258 CHAPTER XXVII. The South Pole Swell Tasmania Extermination of the Natives The Picture Proclamation The Conciliator The Formi dable Sixteen 264 CHAPTER XXVIII. When the Moment Comes the Man Appears Why Ed. Jackson called on Commodore Vanderbilt Sent on Important Busi ness A Visit to the Boys on the Boat 277 CHAPTER XXIX. Tasmania, Early Days Town of Hobart Neatest City on Earth Museum Parrot with an Acquired Taste Glass Arrow Heads Refuge for the Indigent 288 CHAPTER XXX. At Bluff, N. Z. Where the Rabbit Plague Began Dunedin Visit to Dr. Hockin His Museum Unperfected Tape Worm Public Museum and Picture Gallery 297 CHAPTER XXXI. " " The Express Train A Hell of a Hotel at Maryborough Docks and Bells Railroad Service 303 Contents xiii CHAPTER XXXII. Town of Christ Church Museum Jade-stone The Great Moa First Maori in New Zealand " Person " Includes Woman Taming an Ornithorhyncus Voyage in the Flora . .311 CHAPTER XXXIII. The Town of Nelson " The Mongatapu Murders " Mount Eden Rotorua and the Hot Lakes and Geysers Thermal Springs District Kauri Gum Tangariwa Mountains . .320 CHAPTER XXXIV. Bay of Gisborne Taking Passengers by the Yard Arm Green Ballarat Fly False Teeth Napier to Hastings by the Bal- larat Fly Train Kauri Trees Mental Telegraphy . .327 CHAPTER XXXV. Fifty Miles in Four Hours Comfortable Cars Town of Wauga- nui Plenty of Maoris The Missionaiy Ways all Wrong The Tabu A Mysterious Sign Wellington 332 CHAPTER XXXVI. Poems of Mrs. Moore Sad Fate of William Upson Imitating the Prince of Wales A Would-be Dude Arrival at Sydney Curious Town Names with Poem 339 FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR CHAPTER I. A man may have no bad habits and have worse. Pudd nhead Wilsoris New Calendar. HPHE starting point of this lecturing-trip around the world was Paris, where we had been living a year or two. We sailed for America, and there made certain preparations. This took but little time. Two mem bers of my family elected to go with me. Also a carbuncle. The dictionary says a carbuncle is a kind of jewel. Humor is out of place in a dic tionary. We started westward from New York in mid summer, with Major Pond to manage the platform- business as far as the Pacific. It was warm work, all the way, and the last fortnight of it was suffo catingly smoky, for in Oregon and British Columbia the forest fires were raging. We had an added week of smoke at the seaboard, where we were obliged to wait awhile for our ship. She had been getting herself ashore in the smoke, and she had to be docked and repaired. We sailed at last; and so ended a snail-paced march across the continent, which had lasted forty days. (15) 16 Following the Equator We moved . abo . .-afternoon over a rippled and sparkling imnijrsea; enticing sea, a clean and cooi sea, v.;.d apparen a welcome sea to all on board; it certainly was to .c, ..after the distressful dustings a .v.l smokings and s\v .icrings of the ;X,s . weeks. The ./t/yagi- would furnish a three- weeks holiday ,/ith nardly - break in it. We had the whole Pacific Ocean in f; of us, with nothing to do but do luKi.ir,;.; a.ui be nfortable. The city of Victoria was twinkling din. in the deep heart of and to vanish and her smoke-cloud, getting ready ; now we closed the field-glass , , and sat down on our steamer chairs contented am, at peace. But they went to wreck and ruiii ndcr .ss and brought us to before all the ers. had been shame ; /issen; They furnished by the largest furniture-dealing house in Victoria, and were worth a couple of farthings a dozen, though they had cost us the price of honest chairs. In the Pacific and Indian Oceans one must still bring his own deck-chair on board or go with out, just as in the old forgotten Atlantic times those Dark Ages of sea travel. Ours was a reasonably comfortable ship, with the customary sea-going fare plenty of good food furnished by the Deity and cooked by the devil. 1 he discipline observable on board was perhaps as good as it is anywhere in the Pacific and Indian Oceans. The ship was not vc.y well arranged for tropical service; but that is nothing, for this is the rule for ships which ply in the tropics. She had an Following the Equator 17 over-supply of cockroaches, but this is also the rule with ships doing business in the summer seas at least such as have been long in service. Our young captain was a very handsome man, tall and perfectly formed, the very figure to show up a smart uniform s finest effects. He was a man of the best intentions, and was polite and courteous even to courtliness.