FAMILY GUY “The Glenn Beck Quagmire” Written by Marcos Luevanos Marcos Luevanos (626) 485-2140 [email protected] ACT ONE EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS’ HOUSE - DAY INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - SAME PETER blasts an air horn. PETER (CALLING UPSTAIRS) Hurry it up you guys! The world and I have waited long enough for “Pretty Woman 2: Reality Sets In.” INT. SUBURBAN HOME - MORNING (CUTAWAY) A sloppily dressed RICHARD GERE yells at a crying JULIA ROBERTS. TWO CHILDREN observe from the staircase. RICHARD GERE I’m not getting what the problem is. You knew I slept with hookers when you married me. (SCOFFS) That’s how we met! INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - DAY (BACK TO SCENE) The doorbell rings. Peter opens it to reveal an incredibly ill QUAGMIRE. PETER Hey Quagmire! (DISGUSTED) Whoa, you look worse than Lindsay Lohan in a well-lit room. FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 2. QUAGMIRE That bad, huh? I have an appointment at the free clinic but I can’t seem to, you know, see. Would you be able to give me a ride to the doctor? PETER Sure thing. I was running low on free condoms anyway. (CALLING UPSTAIRS) Hey slowpokes, eighty-six the movie, I’m taking Quagmire to get his junk checked out. LOIS (O.S.) What? PETER (CALLING UPSTAIRS) I said, I’m taking Quagmire to get his junk checked out. (NORMAL, TO QUAGMIRE) It is your junk, right? QUAGMIRE Right. PETER (CALLING UPSTAIRS) Yeah, it’s his junk. Quagmire smacks his forehead. FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 3. INT. GRIFFINS’ CAR - DAY Peter drives as Quagmire leans his face against the passenger side window in agony. QUAGMIRE (MOANS) I can feel whatever I have swimming around inside me-- and not in the good way! PETER Quagmire, what’s the one thing I’ve asked you never to talk about in front of me? QUAGMIRE My inappropriate sexual attraction to your wife? PETER No, but let’s come back to that when my punching arm is free. QUAGMIRE My fish fetish? PETER Your fish fetish. QUAGMIRE Sorry Peter, I haven’t felt up to having sex in a week and I think my brain is still getting used to the new routine. FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 4. INT. QUAGMIRE’S HEAD - DAY (CUTAWAY) QUAGMIRE’S BRAIN talks on the phone, pours a cup of coffee. QUAGMIRE’S BRAIN (INTO PHONE) So, now that I have all this free time, I’ve been doing things I haven’t done in years like get a full eight hours and it feels great! I think I’m gonna start scrapbooking. I know, you think it’s tacky, but as long as I don’t go cheap on the materials, I think it could be really nice. INT. GRIFFINS’ CAR - DAY (BACK TO SCENE) PETER Why didn’t you go to the doctor sooner? QUAGMIRE Because I don’t have health insurance! That’s like trying to get into a non-gay club on a Saturday night without a pair of C- cups. PETER Do you at least know how you might have gotten sick? FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 5. QUAGMIRE Haven’t the slightest. Quagmire slowly turns, looks directly into the camera. QUAGMIRE (CONT’D) Giggity. INT. DOCTOR HARTMAN’S OFFICE - DAY Quagmire sits on an examination table in a hospital gown. Peter stands in a nearby corner. DOCTOR HARTMAN examines a chart he is holding. DOCTOR HARTMAN Well, you’re either pregnant, or... actually, I’m not sure what else it could be. Are you pregnant “Mr.” Quagmire? QUAGMIRE What?! No! DOCTOR HARTMAN Relax, it’s just a question. It’s not like I know how to read these things. He flings the chart out the window like a frisbee. DOCTOR HARTMAN (CONT’D) Weeeeee! Anyway, the only thing I’m certain of is that it’s sexually transmitted. I can’t say anything else without running more tests, which I can’t do-- FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 6. QUAGMIRE --since I don’t have health insurance. DOCTOR HARTMAN Well, at least we know your ability to finish other people’s sentences is still intact, huh? He nudges Quagmire with his elbow. PETER I’ve heard that’s a good sign... means you’re ovulating. EXT. PLAYGROUND - SANDBOX - DAY STEWIE plays croquet in a corner. His stuffed bear RUPERT sits across from him. STEWIE I’m telling you Rupert, it was the best nap I’ve ever had. I don’t know why I’ve avoided Jennifer Aniston movies like potty training. I guess it’s because if I wanted to see a sad, desperate, talentless woman who was most definitely going to die alone, I’d just look across the dinner table at Meg, am I right? Stewie hits a ball with his mallet. It knocks a BROWN-HAIRED BOY in the forehead. He cries. FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 7. STEWIE (CONT’D) I say, this game is a lot more fun than I recall. LOIS grabs the mallet from Stewie. LOIS Stewie! What have I told you about using your toys to hurt people? STEWIE Uh... be careful not to hurt myself in the process? LOIS You’re gonna learn to play well with others whether you like it or not! Lois picks him up, walks. STEWIE What are you doing? Put me down, vile woman! LOIS I’m not going to let your antisocial behavior mold you into a serial killer, or God forbid, a blogger. STEWIE Exactly how many friends do you have outside the family, hmmm? (BEAT) Exactly! (MORE) FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 8. STEWIE (cont'd) You’re about as popular as Melanie Griffith’s nebulous face. EXT. RED CARPET - DAY (CUTAWAY) TWO REPORTERS interview MELANIE GRIFFITH on the red carpet of an awards show. Her face has the shape and movement of an amoeba. REPORTER #1 We’re here with the “Working Girl” herself, Melanie Griffith! REPORTER #2 Tell us Melanie, why are you here? MELANIE GRIFFITH Well-- REPORTER #1 Oh! Oh! Look, it’s Penélope Cruz! REPORTER #2 Stunning! They sprint out of frame, leaving Melanie Griffith standing alone for a BEAT. EXT. PLAYGROUND - SANDBOX - DAY (BACK TO SCENE) Lois places Stewie in front of THREE CHILDREN-- a BLONDE GIRL, a BLACK BOY and the Brown-Haired Boy he hit earlier. LOIS Now, play nice. Making new friends can be fun! She walks away. Stewie stares at them, all too busy playing to pay him any attention. FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 9. STEWIE So... uh... this is awkward. (ANXIOUS LAUGHTER) We’ve been forced into this mutually abhorrent relationship like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. They continue to ignore him. STEWIE (CONT’D) I say, we’ve been forced into this mutually abhorrent relationship like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. They still ignore him. STEWIE (CONT’D) Oh the silent treatment! How original. Let’s see how well you can ignore my well articulated slams to your self-esteem, shall we? EXT. PLAYGROUND - PARK BENCH - CONTINUOUS While Lois watches Stewie from afar, she overhears THREE MOTHERS on a park bench gossip nearby. MOTHER #1 What’s Stewie Griffin doing? MOTHER #2 Is he... playing well with others? MOTHER #3 That would be a first. FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 10. MOTHER #1 Seriously. That kid is going to end up serving a sentence before he learns how to finish one. MOTHER #2 Well you can’t really blame him, I mean, his parents are about as socially adept as Jon and Kate Gosselin. MOTHER #3 Where is Lois anyway? An angry Lois purposefully coughs. All three look over, their eyes slowly widen, then stare for a BEAT. MOTHER #3 (UNCOMFORTABLE) There she is. EXT. PLAYGROUND - SANDBOX - CONTINUOUS Stewie performs a stand-up comedy routine in front of a microphone while the three children continue to ignore him. STEWIE (TO BLONDE GIRL) ...which brings me to the playground tire swing herself. Everyone gets a ride in that worn out, rubbery hole, don’t they? (TO BLACK BOY) And you! What drain pipe were you fished out of this morning? You look like Morgan Freeman’s grandfather. (MORE) FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 11. STEWIE (cont'd) (TO BROWN-HAIRED BOY) Didn’t think I’d have time to get to you, hmmm? How could I not? You’re the only kid on the playground fruitier than I am. Yeah, that’s right, I know! You’re gayer than a Dior bow on Sarah Jessica Parker filming a scene for “Sex and the City.” EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - CUTAWAY SARAH JESSICA PARKER walks down the street with a humorously large DIOR BOW on her shoulder. DIOR BOW Wow! You. Look. So. Fab. Then again, I’m totally bias because A: you’re wearing me, and B: I’d love you even if you weren’t. Can I call you SJP? (BEAT) I can? Hang on, I have to make a call-- Hello? 911? Send an ambulance to the corner of 60th and Lexington because I’m about to die! EXT. PLAYGROUND - SANDBOX - DAY (BACK TO SCENE) All three children, mouths agape, are frozen in shock by what he has said. STEWIE (INNOCENT) What? FAMILY GUY - "The Glenn Beck Quagmire" 12. They begin to wail. Mother #1/#2/#3 run over, pick them up. Lois follows close behind. MOTHER #2 Your son is a monster! LOIS I’m so sorry... I don’t know what to say. They whisk their children away.