1. 1 The Gopher Method 1 An enclosed back garden/patio. There is barbed wire along the top of the brick wall enclosing the garden. BEATRICE walks out into the garden from large glass doors. She is upset. MARC follows her. MARC Bert... BEATRICE Marc, I’m fine. MARC Yeah, you look it. BEATRICE Can you do me a favor? Could you just let me cry without asking me what’s wrong or trying to touch me? Could you just stand here with me while I blubber? Could you do that? MARC Okay... BEATRICE BEATRICE bursts into tears and quietly sobs while MARC watches. It continues for an uncomfortable amount of time. Okay. Good. That was weird. Let’s never do that again. MARC BEATRICE moves past MARC to go back inside. MARC stops her. Hey... hey hold on, what’s- BEATRICE Ep, ep, ep. MARC Okay, okay... just... you don’t have to go back in there right away. BEATRICE I will not allow them to make me feel small and insignificant. Stands in place in front of the door. 2. MARC You’re not moving. BEATRICE I know! Just... Don’t rush me, okay? MARC Berty, it’s not that... BEATRICE Were you not in there just now? MARC It was... okay it was little... Frigid. BEATRICE A little? A polar bear walked by and said, "how can you people live under these bleak conditions? I’m going back to where my home is melting and my food source is disappearing." MARC The mushroom caps are pretty good. BEATRICE Are you defending the Grey Gardens level of insanity and delusion going on in there? MARC It’s not that bad. BEATRICE Not for you. My parents like you. They always liked you more than me. It was like they got the kid they always wanted. Beat. Aren’t you going to chime in here? MARC Well... they do like me so... BEATRICE Ah! You know what? You know what’s really fucked up about all of this? Twelve out of the fifteen people in there are extremely emotionally unstable. And they are just mindlessly sitting down to a seven course meal, one of which closely resembles a pigeon that has been shitting on my father’s car for the last month, and they’re just moseying along as if they actually tolerate one another. These are people who deeply loath each other by the way. There has been cheating, money laundering, stints at "the spa." There’s the distinct 3. BEATRICE order of pot coming from cousin Jerry, and a homo-errotic piece of art in the corner that Aunt Lydia clearly purchased for us by accident, and that everyone is refusing to talk about, but guess what? I am still the peoria. I’m the fuck up everyone has to look down their noses at and passive aggressively judge my choices. MARC It’s a party with your family. It’s supposed to be miserable. BEATICE Apparently I bring nothing of substance to the occasion other than "where were you when Beatrice had her breakdown" anecdotes. MARC That’s not true. You brought pie. BEATRICE gives MARC a stern look. What? I’m not allowed to tease you anymore?.