The Complex Dynamics of Step-m-othering: A Qualitative Study Patrycja Sosnowska-Buxton PhD University of York Centre for Women’s Studies May 2014 Abstract This thesis centres on the qualitative analysis of stepmothers’ experiences of stepmothering, a topic that is significantly under-researched. Between May and November 2012 I undertook semi-structured in-depth interviews with 20 women who were in the position of stepmother (not all of them identified with that term), mostly from the north of England. In my core data analysis chapters I examine the stepmothers’ reported experiences regarding 1) their relationships with their stepchildren, 2) their relationships with the biological/adoptive mothers of their stepchildren, 3) their perceptions of the roles of the biological/adoptive fathers in shaping steprelationships, and 4) their views of the impact of their wider families on their stepfamilies. These four areas have rarely, in some instances, never, been explored, or explored in any detail, in previous research. My first key finding is that stepmothers lead complex lives in multifaceted stepfamilies, for instance serial stepfamilies, which defy easy categorization. Secondly, the relationships between the stepmothers and their stepchildren, including with adult stepchildren, were ‘complicated’ at least at some point in the relationship and underwent continuous change. Thirdly, the most problematic of all relationships in stepfamilies were the relations between the stepmothers and their stepchildren’s biological/adoptive mothers. Fourthly, the stepmothers reported their partners’ role in managing the steprelationships as somewhat uninvolved and ‘distant’. Finally, the stepmothers’ biological and in-law families played important roles in the stepfamilies, either by building bridges or raising walls (Visher and Visher, 1996). The stepmothers’ relationships within their stepfamily constellations were interwoven and interconnected with the relationships other stepfamily members had with each other. 2 Contents Page No. Abstract 2 List of Tables 6 Acknowledgements 7 Author’s Declaration 8 Chapter 1. Introduction Introduction 9 Literature Review 10 Gaps in Current Knowledge 26 Thesis Outline 27 Chapter 2. Methodology Introduction 28 Research Design 29 Finding the Questions 30 Finding Stepmothers 31 My Participants 36 The Interviews 43 Transcribing 50 Data Analysis 53 Conclusion 54 Chapter 3. The Stepmothers’ Relationships with their Stepchildren Introduction 55 Bad Steprelationships 56 Complicated Steprelationships 69 Good Steprelationships 78 3 Conclusion 86 Chapter 4. The Relationships Between the Stepmothers and the Biological/Adoptive Mothers Introduction 88 Good Relationships 89 Leaving Mothers 95 Problematic Relationships 102 Financial Issues 103 Visits 114 Communication Breakdown 121 Conclusion 132 Chapter 5. The Stepmothers’ Views on the Biological/Adoptive Fathers’ Role in Shaping Steprelationships Introduction 134 The Beginnings 136 The First Meeting 136 Preparing for the Role of Stepmother 141 Taking Sides 148 Taking the Child’s Side 149 Taking the Stepmother’s Side 155 When the Biological/Adoptive Fathers Did Not Have to Take 161 Sides Conclusion 164 Chapter 6. The Stepmothers’ Views on the Impact of the Wider Family on Their Stepfamilies Introduction 166 The Stepmothers’ Biological Parents 168 4 Biological Parents Who Built Bridges 168 Biological Parents Who Built Walls 180 The In-Laws 183 Parents-in-Law Who Built Walls 184 In-Laws Who Built Bridges 193 The Biological Mothers Who Were also Stepmothers 197 Conclusion 200 Chapter 7. Conclusion Introduction 202 My Main Findings 203 The Main Concepts 207 My Personal Journey 210 Future Research 212 Appendix 1. Interview Schedule 219 Appendix 2. Information Letter to Participants 222 Appendix 3. Consent Form 224 Appendix 4. Advert for Internet Forum 226 Appendix 5. Demographic Questionnaire 227 Appendix 6. Stepmothers’ Stepfamily Diagrams 228 Bibliography 231 5 List of Tables Page No. Table 1. Stepmothers’ age at the time of interview (2012) 36-37 Table 2. Stepmothers’ self-identified class position 37 Table 3. Stepmothers’ parental status 37 Table 4. Stepmothers’ residency status at the time of interview (2012) 38 Table 5. Stepchildren’s status as children or adults at the start of 38 steprelationship Table 6. Stepmothers’ highest qualification or equivalent 39 Table 7. Stepmothers’ marital status at the time of interview (2012) 39 Table 8. Years of stepmothering at the time of interview (2012) 40-41 Table 9. An overview of the stepmothers’ family circumstances at the 42 time of interview (2012) 6 Acknowledgements First and foremost I would like to thank the 20 courageous and kind women who found the time to talk to me. You were generous in sharing your experiences and made me feel welcome. You were also interested in my research and assisted wherever you could. I hope I did justice to your unique stories. Secondly, I would like to thank my inspiring and formidable supervisor Gabriele Griffin, whose expertise and support have no limits. Thank you for making my PhD journey this amazing! I could have not wished for a better supervisor. I would like to thank my Thesis Advisory Panel members: Stevi Jackson and Christine Skinner for their critical feedback and encouragement. I would like to thank the Centre for Women’s Studies members, in particular, Harriet Badger for her practical and technical help; Ann Kaloski-Naylor for her kindness and interest in my work; my peers: my ‘roomy’ Hwajeong Yoo, Nicole Zarafonetis, Bridget Lockyer, Rachel Thwaites, Cait Rogan and Abigail Tazzyman for your knowledge and advice in the peer mentor group (as well as privately), your patience and cheering me on. I am very lucky to have had you along the way. I would also like to thank Amy Godoy-Pressland, Phillipa Morrogh-Ryan, and Celia Meehan for their help with finding the stepmothers. Last, but not least, I would like to thank my amazing husband, Dave, whose love, endurance and support all the way from Afghanistan made my studies possible – this thesis is dedicated to you. 7 Author’s Declaration I certify that all the research and writing presented in this thesis are original and my own. Over the course of PhD I have used parts of my research in a chapter of an edited book and in papers given at academic conferences. A version of Chapter 5, ‘The Relationships Between the Stepmothers and the Biological/Adoptive Mothers’ has been used at a conference at the Centre for Research on Families and Relationships, University of Edinburg, under the title ‘Wicked Mothers? The Relationships Between Mothers’, June 2013, unpublished paper. Excerpts from the Literature Review chapter of my thesis have been published in: Sosnowska-Buxton, P. (2014) ‘Stepmothers’. In: O’Reilly, A. (ed.) Mothers, Mothering and Motherhood Across Cultural Difference. Bradford, ON: Demeter Press. (pp. 451-465). 8 Chapter 1. Introduction Introduction Everybody ‘knows’ that ‘stepmothers are notoriously wicked. Anyone, with any cultural literacy [...] knows that stepmothers are always out to destroy their stepchildren’ (Abrahamsen 1995: 347). It is a sweeping statement but when I told people that my research is about the experiences of stepmothers, I was presented with statements such as these: ‘there is no smoke without fire’ or ‘a stepmother cannot love her stepchild/ren like a biological mother’ or ‘a stepmother wants to wedge herself in- between [displace] the biological mother and her biological child’ – the last statement was said by my biological mother to me. I found these pervasively negative portrayals and mistrust of stepmothers hugely problematic and deeply hurtful because I am a stepmother. It was my own stepdaughter who inspired me to research the experiences of other stepmothers. Interestingly, she was introduced to the idea of a stepmother at school, in the form of Cinderella’s wicked stepmother. She even called my husband to tell him that she has a stepmother herself and that it was me. By this point I had been her stepmother for two years but it was only after my stepdaughter’s teacher read Cinderella at school that she realized she had one. It would seem that none of her parents read the story to her before and neither of us talked to her about me as her stepmother. I do not know why. However, despite being prompted by my own experiences, I made a deliberate choice to exclude my own stepmothering story from the thesis as, because unlike my participants, I do not have the security of anonymity and I wanted to focus of the experiences of my participants. Yet, it is important to note that no research is free from its researcher’s personal story and my research is certainly underpinned by my own experiences of stepmothering. This is why I shall discuss the implications of my position as a researcher and a stepmother in the Methodology Chapter. At the heart of this thesis are the experiences of women who were and/or are in the position of stepmother and who, largely, live in the north of England. My key research question therefore is: how do stepmothers experience and view their stepmothering. In this thesis I focus on the stepmothers’ perspectives on their 9 steprelationships, their stepchildren’s biological/adoptive mothers and biological/adoptive fathers, and their wider stepfamily members. As stepmothers remain invisible in academic discourse, despite the growing numbers of stepfamilies, stepmothers and calls in academia for more research on them (Coleman et al, 2008; Roper and Capdevila, 2011), this thesis provides a unique opportunity to explore, and learn from, their complex lives. In this introductory chapter I shall firstly, outline the key debates in research on stepmothers which underpin my own project. Secondly, I will provide the outline of my thesis. Literature Review Although there is a large body of research on stepfamilies, stepmothers seem to be mostly absent from it. This surprised me and as I was new to this research, at first I thought that I was doing my ‘literature research’ wrong and even contacted our designated librarian to help me.