(The kids are packing up suitcases without enthusiasm. There is a dog sitting on top of one of the suitcases). ARIEL: I am NOT looking forward to our vacation this year. DAVID: Me neither. JOSH: (petting GUS, the dog): Gus always gets car sick. MARIE: Something always goes wrong. ROBERT: Remember last year? We got lost in the Everglades. ARIEL: How could we forget? SARAH: I didn’t know alligators could move so fast. ROBERT: Yeah. JOSH (holding up GUS): But I think Gus looks good without a tail, don’t you? DAD: Are you kids ready to go? DAVID: Where are we going this year? SARAH: Mom said Dad was on the Internet all night looking for something special. ARIEL, MARIE, ROBERT, JOSH: Can you say, “Disaster”? (MOM and DAD enter. MUSIC begins). (SONG 1) MOM (excited): Hi kids! Your dad’s outdone himself this year. You won’t believe it. MARIE: We’re gonna get really, really lost, aren’t we? DAD: Not this time. Come on! We’re going to Mars! KIDS: What? MOM & DAD: Mars, Mars We’re going to Mars Grab Gus And pack up the car Come on We’re gonna see stars Mars, Mars Page 1 of 18 FAMILY & CHORUS: Mars, Mars We’re going to Mars Grab Gus And pack up the car Come on We’re gonna see stars Mars, Mars DAD and BROTHERS: There are riverbeds where we can hike Volcanoes for your mountain bike MOM and SISTERS: The rusty soil makes things bright red There’s polar ice caps –grab the sleds! EVERYONE: Mars, Mars We’re going to Mars Grab Gus And pack up the car Come on We’re gonna see stars Mars, Mars SISTERS: Well we were hoping Disneyworld To give Tomorrowland a whirl BROTHERS: But on the bright side now we see We bet there’s no humidity! EVERYONE: Mars, Mars We’re going to Mars Grab Gus And pack up the car Come on We’re gonna see stars Mars, Mars Come on We’re gonna see stars Mars, Mars (4 TOUR GUIDES enter. 3 of them carry 7 portable teleports that look like doormats. They spread them out on the stage. The fourth guide carries a little remote control box.) DAD: Here are the tour guides now. Page 2 of 18 GUIDE 1: Okeedokee. GUIDE 2: Here we are. GUIDE 3: We’re your guides from Betty’s Bargain Basement Tours. GUIDE 4: Who’s traveling to Mars today? MOM: We all are. JOSH: And Gus. MOM (to GUIDES, as she pulls food out of a large bag she carries with her at all times): Would you like a cookie? (They shake their heads) GUIDE 1: No thank you. GUIDE 2: The crumbs might mess up the teleports. GUIDE 3: Everybody step on up. (DAD AND MOM DO; KIDS hesitate) GUIDE 4: Come on now! ARIEL: Are you serious? GUIDE 1: Go on. These teleports are guaranteed. GUIDE 2: They’re the newest model: E52s! DAD: Come on, kids. This is gonna be fun! What could go wrong? (They all take places including GUIDES) GUIDE 3: Okeedokee. GUIDE 4: Let me just set the dial here to “Mars” and we’ll be on our way. (Sets the dial on the control box and there is a weird noise – Failure1). GUIDE 1: Ooh. That didn’t sound good. GUIDE 2 & 3: Is it supposed to do that? GUIDE 4: (shrugging shoulders): I’ve never seen an E52 before. (3 MOONS – 4 people enter) GUIDES: Yikes! This doesn’t look like Mars. FULL MOON: Of course I don’t. I’m the Moon. NEW MOON: I reflect the light from the sun back to you on Earth. Page 3 of 18 QUARTER MOON: Just look at my different phases. MOM: You all are very lovely – just like a banana cream pie. ARIEL: (points to FULL). Fresh baked… MARIE: (points to QUARTER) …after Dad has had dessert… SARAH: (points to NEW)…and after Gus gets finished licking the plate. FULL MOON: It all depends on how much of my reflection you can see. (SONG 2) NEW MOON: New moon There’s not much to see QUARTER MOON: Real soon There’s a slice of me FULL MOON: Full moon Shine bright and round ALL MOONS: Real soon real soon I will shrink back down Real soon real soon I will shrink back down NEW MOON: New moon There’s nothing to see QUARTER MOON: Real soon There’s a sliver of me FULL MOON: Full moon I just might burst ALL MOONS: Real soon real soon I’ll go in reverse Real soon real soon I’ll go in reverse MOONS & CHORUS: These are the simple lunar facts I wax and wane and wane and wax It takes me almost thirty days I guess I’m in a lunar phase. Page 4 of 18 EVERYONE: New moon There’s not much to see Real soon There’s a slice of me Full moon Shine bright and round Real soon real soon I will shrink back down Real soon real soon I will shrink back down (MOONS exit) GUIDE 1: Okeedokee. Wasn’t that fun? GUIDE 2: Don’t worry. There’s only a slight extra charge for seeing the moon. GUIDE 4 (fiddling with control box): Let me just set this thing for Mars. GUIDE 3: Everybody on your ports. (They stand on them as before; same horrible noise – Failure2) DAD: What now? ROBERT: Dad, I think we’re on the sun! GUIDE 1: Wow. I didn’t even know this thing went to the sun. (SUN enters with loud hiccups. THE BROTHERS sneak around the sun and jump out at it trying to scare it.) BROTHERS: Boo! SUN (jumping in fright): Aaach. Don’t do that! DAVID: Sorry. JOSH: We were just trying to scare the hiccups out of you. SUN: Oh those? Don’t worry. (SONG 3) SUN: Pardon me It will pass You see I’m filled with gas RAYS & CHORUS: If he burps Watch your hair Here comes a solar flare. Page 5 of 18 SUN: I am just an ordinary star Ninety million miles from where you are But I’m hot To the core I’ve got helium galore I am just an ordinary star. SUN: All my gas Makes me bright I’ll give you heat and light. RAYS & CHORUS: Watch out folks As he spins He shoots out solar wind. EVERYONE: I am just an ordinary star Ninety million miles from where you are But I’m hot To the core I’ve got helium galore I am just an ordinary star. (SUN exits) GUIDE 1: Okeedokee. Don’t worry, folks. GUIDE 2: We’ve called in some teleport mechanics. GUIDE 3: They’ll have this thing fixed in a jiffy. GUIDE 4: Here they come now! (MECHANICS enter. They carry various tools.) MECHANIC 1: So, the ol’ teleport is having problems, huh? MECHANIC 2: Here, let’s have a looksy. MOM: Would you like a lemon square? MECHANIC 3: No thanks, ma’am. MECHANIC 4: Might get crumbs in the control box. (grumble as looking at control box) Page 6 of 18 MECHANIC 1: Uh huh. Uh huh. MECHANIC 2: Yep yep yep. MECHANIC 3: Uh huh. Uh huh. MECHANIC 4: Yep yep yep. GUIDE 1: What is it? MECHANIC 1: Happens all the time. This baby is an E52. MECHANIC 2: Uh huh. Yep yep yep. GUIDE 2: An E52? MECHANIC 3: Sure. The E52 can only go through the solar system in the right order. MECHANIC 4: You’ve gotta start from the sun. SARAH: You mean we have to go through the whole solar system to get to Mars? MECHANIC 1: Oh, it’s not far at all. MECHANIC 2: You’re already on the sun, see? MECHANIC 3: The center of the solar system. MECHANIC 4: So now just start with Mercury and head on out! (SONG 4) MECHANICS: Mercury and Venus Earth and Mars Flying in their orbit ‘Round a star. Jupiter and Saturn What a view! Uranus and Neptune Pluto too. Mercury and Venus Earth and Mars Flying in their orbit ‘Round a star. Page 7 of 18 Jupiter and Saturn What a view! Uranus and Neptune Pluto too Solar, solar, solar system 9 great planets I can’t resist ‘em. There are meteors (CHORUS (shout): Meteors!) Comets and asteroids as well… But I love those planets most – Can’t you tell? Can’t you tell? EVERYONE: Mercury and Venus Earth and Mars Flying in their orbit ‘Round a star. Jupiter and Saturn What a view! Uranus and Neptune Pluto too Solar, solar, solar system 9 great planets I can’t resist ‘em. There are meteors (MECHANICS (shout): Meteors!) Comets and asteroids as well… But I love those planets most – Can’t you tell? Can’t you tell? (MECHANICS do mechanical/robot dance) Uranus and Neptune Pluto too Uranus and Neptune Pluto too Uranus and Neptune Pluto too. (MECHANICS exit) DAVID: Hey Dad – didn’t those guys just say Pluto is a planet? ROBERT: I thought it got demoted. GUIDE 1 (shocked – puts finger to lips): Shhhhhhhhhh. Don’t let Pluto hear you say that. GUIDE 2: It’s a very sore subject. GUIDE 3: It’s better if you don’t bring it up. Trust me. Page 8 of 18 GUIDE 1: Okeedokee, everybody. GUIDE 2: Let’s go to Mercury. GUIDE 3: Everybody on the teleports. (Guide turns the dial. Everyone cringes but the box works - TELEPORT. As they step off, Mercury runs on the stage, preferably in track clothes and with some Gatorade.) GUIDE 4: Hey, it worked! MERCURY (speaking quickly but clearly together): Hello.