Yisroel Saba Please Note: This text is the property of Keren Rebbe Yisroel Odeser. NaNach.Net has received permission from Rav Amram Horowitz to distribute this text over the internet for people’s personal use only. If you wish to reprint this text for non personal use you must first receive permission from Rav Amram Horowitz. I. Story of My Drawing Close to Breslov (Rabbi Israel sings with an arousing melody, “The day is coming, the day is coming, which will not be either day or night.) It is a wondrous and awesome story, for anyone who will look closely at it. Thus, I thought it would be fitting and very important to relate and write down all that happened to me from the time I reached awareness, for from the time I became an aware individual, until I merited to come close to Rabbeinu*, was all one process. That time was the beginning , and now is the continuation. G-d graced me with such a soul, that from the earliest time I can remember, when I was still a small child, my heart burned intensely to serve G-d, to merit to fear of Heaven, faith, and in short, to everything. To love G-d and to fear Him. My primary longing and all my desire was to purify myself of all my worldly passions, and only to serve G-d, even though I was a small child, not kknowing anything. But my soul yearned powerfully with desires for self-sacrifice, and my heart pined only to serve G-d, and not to be involved with some sort of trade or work. I remember everything, I still remember being a small child. All my life I had been a poor child. We did not have enough to eat, neither on the festivals or on Shabbat. We did not have meat. Shabbat without meat. We had fish, and it was on those fish that we survived. My mother know how to cook, and her dishes were tastier than the highest quality meats, and the house was filled with joy! My father was exceedingly poor all his life, and then, at the age of forty, he became blind in both his eyes. My mother accepted this in love, and I was still a child, a small child. Oy vey, Master of the World..... And I, I had longings to mortify my soul when still at the age of seven or eight, and to fast on the eve of Rosh Chodesh*, in the month of Elul*, and during the Days of Penitence*. For example, on the eve of Rosh Chodesh, I wanted to fast, and my mother was very conventional, and she was very distressed. “What are you doing? You’re still a small child, and you want to fast?” But I refused to listen to her, and fasted every eve of Rosh Chodesh for half a day, but in the month of Elul, all day. And I coused a great deal of anguish to my mother from this. In any case, my struggles grew more and more, for it is known that before every achievement in holiness, the forces of evil rise to block the way. On one hand, I powerfully resisted the temptations of this world, and on the other, I had fear of Heaven and despised my life, feeling great bitterness. So I searched for G-d-fearing people, people of truth, among the chassidim* in whose circles I grew up, hoping to find peace for my soul, for I still knew nothing of Rabbi Nachman. Even though I belonged to a specific chassidic group, still I thought: “Perhaps I’ll find in some other place...... I’m attached only to G-d, to the place where I will feel, will see that it has an efect on me, that fills me with the light of G-d.” I was in pain and great anguish, I searched for a solution how to save myself and could not find one. Oi, oi..... So, I searched in all sorts of branches of chassidism and among G-d fearing people. For example, there was in Tiberias one man famous to this day, whose name was Rav Hirsch, Rav Tzvi Litvak Rosenthal. He had been a student of the Chaetz Chaim, and he was the pride of the whole city, and also was the pride of the yeshiva. He was G-d-fearing and learned many books of “Mussar”*. For example, he would learn the book “Reishit Chochmah”* with great discipline for everal hours each day, in a standing position, and he knew it all by heart. I saw this and was impressed by it, and I had a great respect for him. “Rav Hirsch, Rav Hirsch, he learns so much from ‘Reishit Chochmah’ “. I searched for a place to direct me and infuse me with fear of Heaven and faith, so I attached myself to him and he became my rebbe, free of charge. I pleaded with him and he had mercy on me and learned “Reishit Chochmah” and the Zohar* with me. And he spoke to me personally, in order to engender in me fear of Heaven and faith, and we had a strong connection. Also alone, I had my special moments, for I searched very intensely for true Service of G-d. As for hitbodedut*, I still knew nothing. I saw in the book “Reishit Chochmah” and the other Mussar books, the great power of prayer. Certainly I prayed to G-d, however I knew nothing of hitbodedut – I only knew that prayer was a very lofty matter. So I recited a lot of Psalms, and I prayed the three daily prayers with great concentration, attachment and fear of Heaven. And I, from the time I first became aware while still a small child, though I still could not even say the Psalms, still my heart burned for G-d, and I greatly desred, I deeply loved Torah learning, mitzvot*, and faith. My heart longed to serve G-d, to learn the Torah and to give myself over to serving G-d, and I prayed with intense devotion, enthusiasm and animated gestures. I was accustomed to pray in a synagogue neighboring our house. There was one chassid there, a very elderly man who received a great deal of respect and importance, an upright man who loved the G-d-fearing. He saw how my praying was different from all the other children, he saw that I prayed with intention, devotion, with truth and simplicity, thus I found favor in his eyes. He was from among the chassidim who do not pray forcefully or loudly, only in a whisper. But in spite of this, I had brazenness and paid them no mind. So this elderly man came to me every day and gave me a valuable coin. He was well known in the town for being miserly, always giving the smallest possible coin for charity. But to me he gave. When I came home, being that my parents were poor, I gave them the coin. They were amazed. But after that I stopped giving to them and began saving the coins for a prayerbook. I wanted a prayerbook including Tikkun Chatzot* and Psalms, plus all the various Selichot* and Ma’amadot (translate), all the requests and prayers – in short, a treasury, with all the prayers existing in the world, every supplication or plea. So, I had a great longing for such a prayerbook, and I was receiving a valuable coin every day, so I saved up all the coins for the prayerbook. However, in Tiberias one could not find such a book – the prayerbooks in Tiberias were only the standard one for children. The kind that I wanted could only be found in Jerusalem. Then G-d had mercy on me, and it happened that my mother needed to travel to Jerusalem for a wedding. When she was ready to leave, I said to her, “I saved up money for a deluxe prayerbook.” I was very cherished by my mother, and she promised me that she would buy me the type of prayerbook I wanted – a treasury with all the added features. I gave her the money, and she bought it! She made an effort to inquire from one of our relatives who knew all the major dealers. A prayerbook like this cannot be found just anywhere. In any case, she brought me a prayerbook that was a novelty even in Jerusalem. She came to Tiberias with the book. My happiness…… and I went to synagogue with this prayerbook, and everyone was jealous. Everyone who saw it said “Wow! A prayerbook like that, who can merit to have such a prayerbook!” What joy I had, every time, I saw the book by me, I wanted to eat it! There are a number of stories to tell. In any case, I had a powerful desire to wake up at midnight to recite a lot of Psalms and to pray. I had heavy battles in this area, and I searched for refuge, but could not find healing for my soul. I remember, that in Tiberias the climate was very hot. It was so hot in the day, that also at night it was very hot. For the rocks heated up from the sun. The whole town would sleep on the roofs. I slept as well, but I liked to rise two to three hours before sunrise. I would get up and come down from the roof into the house. The house was without windows, and it was like a cave, intensely hot, and I was almost as one immersing oneself in a mikveh* with his clothes on, from the abundance of sweat.