Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D. Abstract dangerously inadequate and vulnerable to blame and rejection. The common use of the This article introduces the term “co- term refers to some of the ways people narcissism” to refer to the way that people defend themselves against this narcissistic accommodate to narcissistic parents. I use dynamic: a concern with one’s own physical the term narcissism here to refer to people and social image, a preoccupation with with very low self-esteem who attempt to one’s own thoughts and feelings, and a sense control others’ views of them for defensive of grandiosity. There are, however, many purposes. They are interpersonally rigid, other behaviors that can stem from easily offended, self-absorbed, blaming, and narcissistic concerns, such as immersion in find it difficult to empathize with others. Co- one’s own affairs to the exclusion of others, narcissistic people, as a result of their an inability to empathize with other’s attempts to get along with their narcissistic experience, interpersonal rigidity, an parents, work hard to please others, defer to insistence that one’s opinions and values are other’s opinions, worry about how others “right,” and a tendency to be easily offended think and feel about them, are often and take things personally. depressed or anxious, find it hard to know their own views and experience, and take the A high proportion of people in blame for interpersonal problems. They fear psychotherapy have adapted to life with being considered selfish if they act narcissistic people and, as a result, have not assertively. A high proportion of been able to develop healthy means of self- psychotherapy patients are co-narcissistic. expression and self-directedness. I have The article discusses the co-narcissistic coined the term “co-narcissism” for this syndrome and its treatment, and gives case adaptation, which has the same relation to examples of patients who suffer from this narcissism as “co-alcoholic” has to problem. alc oholism and “co-dependent” has to dependency. Co-alcoholics unconsciously Narcissism collaborate with alcoholics, making excuses for them and not confronting them about Narcissism, a psychological state rooted in their problem in an assertive way. The same extremely low self-esteem, is a common is true of the co-dependent person, who syndrome among the parents of makes excuses for the other’s dependency psychotherapy patients. Narcissistic people and fills in for him or her as necessary. The are very fearful of not being well regarded wife of an abusive husband who takes the by others, and they therefore attempt to blame for her partner’s behavior is another control others’ behavior and viewpoints in example of taking responsibility for order to protect their self-esteem. The someone else’s problems. Both narcissism underlying dynamic of narcissism is a deep, and co-narcissism are adaptations that usually unconscious, sense of oneself as children have made to cope with narcissistic ____________________________________ parenting figures. To the best of my knowledge, every narcissistic and co- This article in press, The Therapist. narcissistic person that I have encountered Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D. has had narcissistic parents, and the parents concepts based on their parents’ treatment of of their parents are reported to have been them and therefore often have highly even more highly narcissistic. inaccurate ideas about who they are. For example, they may fear that they are To the extent that parents are narcissistic, inherently insensitive, selfish, defective, they are controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, fearful, unloving, overly demanding, hard to intolerant of others’ views, unaware of their satisfy, inhibited, and/or worthless. children’s needs and of the effects of their behavior on their children, and require that People who behave co-narcissistically share the children see them as the parents wish to a number of the following traits: they tend to be seen. They may also demand certain have low self-esteem, work hard to please behavior from their children because they others, defer to others’ opinions, focus on see the children as extensions of themselves, others’ world views and are unaware of their and need the children to represent them in own orientations, are often depressed or the world in ways that meet the parents’ anxious, find it hard to know how they think emotional needs. (For example, a and feel about a subject, doubt the validity narcissistic father who was a lawyer of their own views and opinions (especially demanded that his son, who had always been when these conflict with others’ views), and treated as the “favorite” in the family, enter take the blame for interpersonal problems. the legal profession as well. When the son chose another career, the father rejected and Often, the same person displays both disparaged him.) These traits will lead the narcissistic and co-narcissistic behaviors, parent to be very intrusive in some ways, depending on circumstances. A person who and entirely neglectful in others. The was raised by a narcissistic or a co- children are punished if they do not respond narcissistic parent tends to assume that, in adequately to the parents’ needs. This any interpersonal interaction, one person is punishment may take a variety of forms, narcissistic and the other co-narcissistic, and including physical abuse, angry outbursts, often can play either part. Commonly, one blame, attempts to instill guilt, emotional parent was primarily narcissistic and the withdrawal, and criticism. Whatever form it other parent primarily co-narcissistic, and so takes, the purpose of the punishment is to both orientations have been modeled for the enforce compliance with the parents’ child. Both conditions are rooted in low self- narcissistic needs. esteem. Both are ways of defending oneself from fears resulting from internalized Co-Narcissism criticisms and of coping with people who evoke these criticisms. Those who are Children of narcissists tend to feel overly primarily co-narcissistic may behave responsible for other people. They tend to narcissistically when their self-esteem is assume that others’ needs are similar to threatened, or when their partners take the those of their parents, and feel compelled to co-narcissistic role; people who primarily meet those needs by responding in the behave narcissistically may act co- required manner. They tend to be unaware narcissistically when they fear being held of their own feelings, needs, and experience, responsible and punished for another’s and fade into the background in experience. relationships. Narcissistic people blame others for their Co-narcissistic people are typically insecure own problems. They tend not to seek because they have not been valued for psychotherapy because they fear that the themselves, and have been valued by their therapist will see them as deficient and parents only to the extent that they meet therefore are highly defensive in relation to their parents’ needs. They develop their self- therapists. They do not feel free or safe 2 Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents Alan Rappoport, Ph.D. enough to examine their own behavior, and tendency to be unexpressive of their own typically avoid the psychotherapy situation. thoughts and feelings and to support and Co-narcissists, however, are ready to accept encourage others’ needs creates something blame and responsibility for problems, and of an imbalance in their relationships, and are much more likely than narcissists to seek other people may take more of the help because they often consider themselves interpersonal space for themselves as a to be the ones who need fixing. result, thereby giving the impression that they are, in fact, narcissists, as the co- The image I often keep in mind, and share narcissist fears they are. with my patients regarding narcissism, is that the narcissist needs to be in the Co-narcissistic people often fear they will be spotlight, and the co-narcissist serves as the thought of as selfish if they act more audience. The narcissist is on stage, assertively. Usually, they learned to think performing, and needing attention, this way because one or both parents appreciation, support, praise, reassurance, characterized them as selfish if they did not and encouragement, and the co-narcissist’s accommodate to the parent’s needs. I take role is to provide these things. Co-narcissists patients’ concerns that they are selfish as an are approved of and rewarded when they indication of narcissism in the parents, perform well in their role, but, otherwise, because the motivation of selfishness they are corrected and punished. predominates in the minds of narcissistic people. It is a major component of their One of the critical aspects of the defensive style, and it is therefore a interpersonal situation when one person is motivation they readily attribute to (or either narcissistic or co-narcissistic is that it project onto) others. is not, in an important sense, a relationship. I define a relationship as an interpersonal There are three common types of responses interaction in which each person is able to by children to the interpersonal problems consider and act on his or her own needs, presented to them by their parents: experience, and point of view, as well as identification, compliance, and rebellion being able to consider and respond to the (see Gootnick, 1997, for a more thorough experience of the other person. Both people discussion of these phenomena). are important to each person. In a Identification is the imitation of one or both narcissistic encounter, there is, parents, which may be required by parents in psychologically, only one person present. order for them to maintain a sense of The co-narcissist disappears for both people, connection with the child. In regard to and only the narcissistic person’s experience narcissistic parents, the child must exhibit is important.