Notes for the Caleb Leadership Development Course MODULAR SET 3 (M9 - 12) ‘THE ANOINTED WORK OF KINGDOM MINISTRY’ Module 9: ‘Protecting & Managing Your Personal Boundaries’ Produced by Martin and delivered by the Caleb Team All notes are the intellectual property of Caleb Ministries and are Copyright. Therefore apart from private, personal use, they must not be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission. Name: _________________________________ Open College Network Level 3 Course on Christian Leadership Development Developed and presented by Caleb Ministries Assessment Evidence for Unit 9: “Managing Personal Boundaries” OCN Unit Code: HB1/3/NQ/012 NB: (1) TYPED ANSWERS ARE PREFERRED BUT NOT INSISTED UPON. PLEASE EITHER SEND THEM FOR MARKING ELECTRONICALLY OR HAND THEM IN AS A PRINTED HARD COPY. (2) ALWAYS PRINT OFF A MARKED COPY AND ADD IT TO YOUR PORTFOLIO. (3) DO NOT ASSUME THAT THE SMALL SPACES INDICATE THAT ONLY A SMALL AMOUNT OF WORDS ARE REQUIRED. (4) AS A GUIDE, YOUR TOTAL ASSESSMENT EVIDENCE WORD LENGTH FOR THE MODULE SHOULD BE BETWEEN 750 AND 1000 WORDS. This unit has 4 learning outcomes. LEARNING OUTCOMES ASSESSMENT CRITERIA The learner will: The learner can: 1. Understand what is meant by personal 1.1. Explain what is meant by personal boundaries. boundaries. 2. Understand the significance of personal 2.1. Explain the possible implications of boundaries boundaries in different contexts. being blurred or non-existent in a personal context. 2.2. Explain the possible implications of boundaries being blurred or non-existent in a leadership context. 3. Know how to measure whether a 3.1. Explain how to measure whether a person has person has difficulties in setting difficulties in setting personal boundaries. personal boundaries. 4. Understand how personal boundary 4.1. Explain ways in which personal boundary problems may manifest themselves. problems may manifest themselves. Assessment Criteria: U9/1:1 Explain what is meant by Personal Boundaries 1 Assessment Criteria: U9/2:1 and 2:2 Using examples from either your own experience or another anonymous person you know, explain the possible implications of boundaries being blurred or non-existent in: a) A personal context b) A leadership context Assessment Criteria: U9/3:1 Complete the Personal Boundary Problem Identification Tool and explain briefly how effective you think it is in helping someone to evaluate whether they have difficulties in setting personal boundaries. Assessment Criteria: U9/4:1 Referring to your experience as either a leader or a maturing Christian, explain ways in which personal boundary problems may manifest themselves. 2 Caleb Leadership Development Course Module 9: ‘Protecting & Managing Your Personal Boundaries SESSION 1 (1st hour): Defining Boundaries 1) What are personal boundaries? a. Which of these questions apply to you? See Slides 2 and 3 b. Boundaries are inextricably linked to our essential relationships and enable us to realise our potential and function as individuals within these contexts. c. When we exercise our personal boundaries, they enable us and others to appreciate what we are and what we are not. d. This enables you and everyone else around you to know where you/they stand. e. Physical boundaries that surround a property, define the zone of ownership and therefore responsibility for those who are the legal owner/occupiers. See Slide 4 f. The cost of ownership and responsibility is rewarded with the provision of security; privacy; sanctuary; space; peace; time for themselves; the ability and right to change the layout, put gates into their boundaries, open or close the gates and say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to those who would like to cross over their boundaries. g. They create a difference between a place which is public and a place which is private. h. Boundaries define the essence of ‘Me’ - where I begin and end. i. This encompasses the essence and limits of my: body; space; decisions and choices; my words; concept of truth; my time; emotions; relationships; my attitudes; beliefs; thoughts; desires; loves; limits; talents; keeping appropriate distances etc, etc. 2) What are the implications of having boundaries? a. Our boundaries give us choices in life that will always have favourable or negative consequences for which we alone are responsible. b. Conversely, they enable us to realize that we do not own or have a right to be responsible for anything outside of our skin unless we are specifically given permission and then we can only influence not rule. c. Personal Freedom: With clearly delineated boundaries, I will not be continually frustrated attempting to "fix" matters on someone else’s property, but will attend to what I do have control over, namely, myself. o In this way I can set limits on the extent to which I allow another’s behaviour to control my actions. d. Freedom to love from the heart: The exercise of self-control over my own property, combined with my refusal to either exercise or to allow controlling behaviour, set the stage for a mature, mutually beneficial, loving relationship. This is especially relevant and crucial in marriage. Without boundaries, love falters, marriages fail. See Slide 5 e. Personal Protection: When the other person in a relationship dishonours your personal boundaries, they can serve to protect you from injury. o When you control and limit your responses to the other’s behaviour in such a way that they end up reaping bad consequences for bad behaviour, then you are protected from having to experience, and assume responsibility for all the 3 bad consequences yourself. f. The ability to Accept Reality: When we establish and communicate boundaries in relationships, we say "no" to elements of abuse, control and manipulation. i. Sometimes this will entail saying "no" to the relationship itself, if the other party is unwilling to accept the challenge to change and mature. ii. It is sometimes better to acknowledge and grieve the loss of the relationship, than to remain trapped and manipulated by a false and self-destructive hope that things will turn around for the better. 3) The need for strong fences combined with wholesome ‘gate filters’. a. Many disputes in the world of property are fought over where a boundary begins and ends. A visible, strong fence is the usual way of claiming your legal ground. b. It is the same in the invisible realm of our personal boundaries. Such ‘fences’ represent clear demarcation lines that protect our values and choices and describe to others what they can and cannot expect from us. c. Putting ‘gates’ into our ‘fences’ act as filters helping us to keep good in and bad out or let the bad on the inside out and the good on the outside in. See Slide 6 d. However, if our boundaries are blurred, certain boundary-less people will easily trespass onto your property and assume that they have a right to own and control - until you establish what your boundaries are and evict them! Quick Question: What are the consequences when people’s boundaries are blurred? e. Through fear, guilt, confusion, and a wrong concept of Christian love, many wear themselves out as the ‘parents’ while the ‘children’ remain irresponsible drainers. f. In deciding whether to help, one has to establish whether their issues are burdens (large boulders) too great for them to carry alone or loads (rucksacks) which they are capable (but often too lazy or in-disciplined) to carry (Gal 6:2 and 5). See Slide 7 g. In a situation such as a family, organisation, church or other relational set with strong beliefs, there is a fine line between a discipleship ethos that respects people’s boundaries and their right to have their own views or deductions and one that operates out of a controlling spirit. Only the Absolutes are absolute! See Slide 8 Interactive Time Questions: 1. When you read through the list of boundary issue questions at the beginning of the teaching, which (if any) of them resonated with you? 2. How do you think owning up to and being responsible for your life can be made easier after setting personal boundaries? 3. Discuss whether you agree that the setting of personal boundaries creates freedom in relationships. Try and think through some examples. 4. Why do you think our personal boundary ‘fences’ need to also have ‘gates’. Think up some examples of what you would ‘let in’ and what you would want to ‘send out’. 5. How could people become co-dependant through having blurred boundaries? ****************** 4 SESSION 2 (2nd hour): Boundary Formation and the Cause of Problems 1) How and when are boundaries formed? a. Boundary formation is not genetic; it is acquired learning from childhood. b. Its critical stages of development are in our very early years. c. Psychologists have identified 2 main stages of boundary development. If parents don’t allow children to work through them, boundary problems ensue. a) Stage 1: Bonding a. Before we can set limits that form boundaries, we must first become secure in ourselves. This security is rooted in unconditionally loving relationships. b. The most important relationship is a baby’s love bond with its mother or caregiver. c. From this relationship, a sense of connection to safety and security in who we are, develops. From this a confidence to set limits despite the conflict, arises. d. Children who have had such a loving bonding with their mother or caregiver in the early stages of life, are able to move away from that security knowing it will always be there when the world is rough. e. If a child has been deprived of this bonding at any stage in life, setting limits that may cause rejection become almost impossible. f.