1 Finding Compline Nightfall IT WAS A DARK YEAR IN EVERY SENSE. It began with the move from my sunny hometown, Austin, Texas, to Pittsburgh in early January. One week later, my dad, back in Texas, died in the middle of the night. Always towering and certain as a mountain on the horizon, he was suddenly gone. A month later, I miscarried and hemorrhaged, and we prayed Compline in the ER. Grief had compounded. I was homesick. The pain of losing my dad was seismic, still rattling like aftershocks. It was a bleak season—we named it, as a grim joke, the “Pitts-of-despair-burgh.” The next month we found out we were pregnant again. It felt like a miracle. But early on I began bleeding, and the pregnancy became complicated. I was put on “medically restricted activity.” I couldn’t stand for long periods, walk more than a couple blocks, or lift anything above ten pounds, which meant I couldn’t lift my then four-year-old. As I spent hours sitting in bed each day, my mind grew dimmer and darker. The bleeding continued near- constantly for two months, with weekly trips to the hospital when it picked up so much that we worried I was miscarrying or in danger of another hemorrhage. In the end, in late July, early in my second trimester, we lost another baby, a son. Prayer in the Night 11 November 6, 2020 9:05 AM 12 Praying in the Dark During that long year, as autumn brought darkening days and frost settled in, I was a priest who couldn’t pray. I didn’t know how to approach God anymore. There were too many things to say, too many questions without answers. My depth of pain overshadowed my ability with words. And, more painfully, I couldn’t pray because I wasn’t sure how to trust God. Martin Luther wrote about seasons of devastation of faith, when any naive confidence in the goodness of God withers. It’s then that we meet what Luther calls “the left hand of God.”1 God becomes foreign to us, perplexing, perhaps even terrifying. Adrift in the current of my own doubt and grief, I was flailing. If you ask my husband about 2017, he says simply, “What kept us alive was Compline.” An Anglicization of completorium, or “completion,” Compline is the last prayer office of the day. It’s a prayer service designed for nighttime.2 Imagine a world without electric light, a world lit dimly by torch or candle, a world full of shadows lurking with unseen terrors, a world in which no one could be summoned when a thief broke in and no ambulance could be called, a world where wild animals hid in the darkness, where demons and ghosts and other creatures of the night were living possibilities for everyone. This is the context in which the Christian practice of nighttime prayers arose, and it shapes the emotional tenor of these prayers. For much of history, night was simply terrifying. Roger Ekirch begins his fascinating history of nighttime by saying, “It would be difficult to exaggerate the suspicion and insecurity bred by darkness.”3 In the eighteenth century, Edmund Burke said there was no other “idea so universally ter- rible in all times, and in all countries, as darkness.”4 Shake- speare’s Lucrece famously laments the “comfort-killing night, image of hell.”5 Prayer in the Night 12 November 6, 2020 9:05 AM Finding Compline 13 Nighttime is also a pregnant symbol in the Christian tradition. God made the night. In wisdom, God made things such that every day we face a time of darkness. Yet in Revelation we’re told that at the end of all things, “night will be no more” (Revelation 22:5; cf. Isaiah 60:19). And Jesus himself is called a light in the darkness. He is the light that darkness cannot overcome. The sixteenth-century Saint John of the Cross coined the phrase “the dark night of the soul” to refer to a time of grief, doubt, and spiritual crisis, when God seems shadowy and distant.6 The reason this resonates with us is because night typifies our fears and doubts—“the hard day of the soul” or “the gray morning of the soul” would never have had the same staying power. And in a darkness so complete that it’s hard for us to now imagine, Christians rose from their beds and prayed vigils in the night. The third-century North African theologian Tertullian refers to “assemblies at night” in which families would rise from their sleep to pray together.7 In the East, Basil the Great in- structed Christians that “at the beginning of the night we ask that our rest be without offense . and at this hour also Psalm [91] must be recited.”8 Long after night vigils ceased to be a regular practice among families, monks continued to pray through the small hours, rising in the middle of the night to sing Psalms together, staving off the threat of darkness. Cen- turies of Christians have faced their fears of unknown dangers and confessed their own vulnerability each night, using the dependable words the church gave them to pray. Of course, not all of us feel afraid at night. I have friends who relish nighttime—its stark beauty, its contemplative quiet, its space to think and pray. 9 Anne Brontë begins her poem “Night” declaring, “I love the silent hour of night.”10 There is much to love about the night. Nightingale song and candlelight, the sparkling city or the crackling of a fire as stars slowly creep across the sky, the sun descending into the horizon Prayer in the Night 13 November 6, 2020 9:05 AM 14 Praying in the Dark silhouetting a reddened sky. Yet each of us begins to feel vul- nerable if the darkness is too deep or lasts too long. It is in large part due to the presence of light that we can walk around without fear at night. With the flick of a switch, we can see as well as if we were in daylight. But go out into the woods or far from civilization, and we still feel the almost primordial sense of danger and helplessness that nighttime brings. In deep darkness, even the strongest among us are small and defenseless. Despite modernity’s buzzing light bulbs and twenty-four-hour drive-throughs, we nonetheless face our vulnerability in a unique way as darkness falls. There’s a reason horror movies are usually set at night. We still speak of the “witching hour.” And poet John Rives, the curator of The Museum of Four in the Morning, a website that archives literary and pop culture refer- ences to 4 a.m., calls it the “worst possible hour of the day.”11 These wee hours, he says, are a popular shorthand infused with meaning across genres, cultures, and centuries. Night is not just hours on the clock. How many of us lie awake at night, unable to fall back asleep, worrying over the day ahead, thinking of all that could go wrong, counting our sorrows? Our very bodies confront darkness each night. So each night we practice facing our truest state: we are exposed, we cannot control our lives, we will die. In the daylight, I’m distracted. At moments, even productive. At night I feel alone, even in a house full of sleeping bodies. I feel small and mortal. The darkness of nighttime amplifies grief and anxiety. I’m reminded with the setting of the sun that our days are num- bered, and full of big and little losses. We are all so very, very vulnerable. We can speak of vulnerability as something we choose. We decide whether to “let ourselves” be vulnerable through sharing or withholding our truest selves—our stories, opinions, or Prayer in the Night 14 November 6, 2020 9:05 AM Finding Compline 15 feelings. In this sense, vulnerability means emotional exposure or honesty. Every twenty-four But this isn’t the kind of vulnerability hours, nighttime I mean. Instead, I mean the unchosen gives us a chance to vulnerability that we all carry, whether we admit it or not. The term vul- practice embracing nerable comes from a Latin word our own vulnerability. meaning “to wound.”12 We are wound-able. We can be hurt and destroyed, in body, mind, and soul. All of us, every last man, woman, and child, bear this kind of vulnerability till our dying day. And every twenty-four hours, nighttime gives us a chance to practice embracing our own vulnerability.13 I don’t remember when I began praying Compline. It didn’t begin dramatically. I’d heard Compline sung many times in darkened sanctuaries where I’d sneak in late and sit in silence, listening to prayers sung in perfect harmony. In a home with two priests, copies of the Book of Common Prayer are everywhere, lying around like spare coasters. So one night, lost in the annals of forgotten nights, I picked it up and prayed Compline. And then I kept doing it. I began praying Compline more often, barely registering it as any kind of new practice. It was just something I did, not every day, but a few nights a week, because I liked it. I found it beautiful and comforting. A pattern of monastic prayer was largely set by Benedict and his monks in the sixth century. They prayed eight times a day: Matins (before dawn), Lauds (at sunrise), then Prime, Terce, Sext, None, and Vespers throughout the day (each about three hours apart).