1/ The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook: From Surviving to Significance by Stephanie Tucker Published by: Spirit of Life Recovery Resources 18652 Florida Street, Suite 200 Huntington Beach, CA 92648 All monies from the sale of this book will help accomplish our mission. Spirit of Life Recovery supports people struggling with emotional and spiritual challeng- es, including addiction and codependence. Spirit of Life Recovery is a 501(c)(3) non-profit Christian Ministry— Fed tax #27-3278002. To learn more, visit www. spiritofliferecovery.com. This book is protected by copyright laws. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distrib- uted, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher, Spirit of Life Recovery Resources. Copyright ©2010 Spirit of Life Recovery. All rights reserved. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyn- dale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved. Scriptures marked (MSG) taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. The stories and examples may or may not be based on actual clinical situations; however, where applicable, names have been changed to protect privacy. This book is not necessarily intended to diagnose or treat your individual issues. If you are in a serious or life-threatening situation, please get professional help immediately. This book is by no means intended to replace the need for profes- sional and/or medical treatment. For grammar, editorial or any other issues pertaining to the quality of the pro- duction of this workbook, please contact the publisher, Spirit of Life Recovery, directly. 2/ The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook 3/ The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook: From Surviving to Significance REVISED SECOND EDITION Written by Stephanie Tucker 4/ The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook 5/ Acknowledgements Thank you to my best friend, partner, mentor and husband, Dr. Rob- ert Tucker. Your passionate pursuit towards helping people encounter freedom through the blood of Jesus Christ is evident in all you do. You have been a guid- ing influence in my understanding of the nature of addiction and the reality of spiritual warfare. How blessed I am to share, learn, grow, love and experience the fullness of a relationship designed God’s way with you. A special thanks to the students who participated in our first workshop training when this workbook came to fruition. Your encouragement, testimonies and absolute commitment to God’s solution inspired me. May God bless and prosper your faithfulness. Chris G. Dawn S. “3Bob” Heather R. Juliet V. Kenny G. Mike L. Mike B. M’Liss S. Patrick S. Randall O. Roxanna G. Tia D. Theresa G. Tracy C. 6/ The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook 7/ Dedication To the men and women who suffer from the soul sickness of codependence. May you learn, understand and be set free through the true Healer. There is a life of passion, purpose and fulfillment awaiting you. To my precious Bob - without you as my God-given husband, this book would have never been written. You are my rock and my covering. You dealt with the pressures and challenges that came about while working on this project while- managing ministry and two little girls. Thank you for loving me through it. To my beautiful girls, Arianna and Isabella - you are my precious gifts from God who teach me even more deeply the love of our Father in Heaven. I count you as the more important fruit in my life that I will ever have the honor to bear. And most important, to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. For all You’ve given me, rescued me from and delivered me out of, Your grace is always sufficient. This is written through You and for You, may You be glorified in it. 8/ The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook 9/ Preface by Stephanie Tucker, MDAAC, RAS, M.Min. I know so well what it’s like to be skeptical. I studied every book, theology, church and belief system imaginable in a desperate quest for life’s meaning. With so much information, so many conflicting truths and so much of a disconnect between the Bible and psychology, it seemed sifting to find answers was merely impossible. The answers to what? To life. To relationships. To love. I wanted to know why my life didn’t work. I wanted to know how the Bible, if it really spoke truth, would help me. I found it frustrating that somehow a Bible scripture was meant to apply to me personally, when on the inside, I was so messed up and simply could not make its claims real in my life. While I certainly won’t say I have all the answers, I know that there came a point in my life when I cried out for help. All my “responsible” choices, efforts, attempts to “figure it out” and obsession to “hold it together” left me utterly con- fused, helpless, hopeless and filled with despair. At my lowest point, I asked Jesus Christ to reveal Himself to me, no matter what the cost might be. What I found in my state of brokenness is the place I believe every hu- man being that ever existed so deeply desires - a sweet, intimate place of resting in the love, care, guidance, nurturing, protection and kindness of my Lord and Savior. Oh, I knew His theology before. I knew what the Bible taught about Him. I just didn’t know Him. He wasn’t a real Person up until the moment that I truly came into a relationship with Him based on His love and grace towards me. And through that relationship, He freed me from my dysfunctional and warped way of thinking, feeling and living. Those changes didn’t happen overnight, but they did happen. What I learned about the soul sickness called “codependence” is some- thing I could never understand had I not experienced it myself. I know the deep pain of codependence. But I also know its deceitfulness. It is a mask that covers people, families, churches and societies, all in the name of “doing good.” However it looks on the outside, I know how it kills and destroys life within. Through my own journey, God prepared me to be able understand, iden- tify, expose and help people, through the direction of the Holy Spirit, overcome the chains and bondage linked to the lifestyle of “survival.” I am humbled and honored to be able to dedicate my life both personally and professionally to the arena of Christ-centered codependence recovery. As the Director of Codependence 10/ The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook Treatment at New Life Spirit Recovery and Workshop Facilitator at Spirit of Life Recovery, I’ve been able to participate in the lives of thousands of men and women courageous enough to say “there must be more.” And through that willing heart, God has planted a new seed that has led them into a journey of healing, hope and wholeness in Christ Jesus. If you are skeptical, just as I was, I encourage you to simply open your heart and ask God to reveal truth to you. Wherever your own journey takes you, may His love set you free. We have improved this edition even more! We’ve also added a group lead- ers guide. I personally hold both workshops and training sessions on a regular basis. To learn more, please visit my blog at www.christiancodependence.org. In His unlimited and matchless grace, Stephanie Tucker, MDAAC, MDiv., RAS Director of Codependence and Family Programs New Life Spirit Recovery Director of Codependence and Healing Ministires Spirit of Life Recovery www.christiancodependence.org www.christianfamiliesinrecovery.com www.newlifespiritrecovery.com Foreward Perhaps the most painful experience a sincere leader, pastor, counselor or loved one could endure would be to sit by and watch the destructive behaviors of addiction operating within a family unit with little or no hope of a healthy solu- tion. In truth, no one seeks a solution to a problem they don’t believe exists. Al- coholic and addict behaviors are more easily identified, labeled and understood. On the other hand, codependent behaviors typically present themselves as “good acts” being done to benefit others. In most, if not all cases, this is far from true. This book has the ability to take the reader on a journey of revealing deep conflicts within the soul. With Jesus Christ at the center, this workbook assists the reader in: • exposing lies • disclosing truth • disposing dysfunctional strongholds • receiving His true healing I am fortunate to be in a position that allows me to experience firsthand the results of this Christ-centered solution. Many that struggle with addiction also struggle with codependence. I would like to encourage ministry leaders, Christian treatment facilities, church recovery groups and anyone interested in helping others through the recovery process to add this book to your curriculum. Dr. Robert T. Tucker Director of New Life Spirit Recovery President of the Association of Christian Drug & Alcohol Counselors 12/ The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook 13/ Table of Contents Chapter 1: Facing Codependence ..................................................... Page 15 Chapter 2: Family Systems ............................................................... Page 29 Chapter 3: Emotional Strongholds .................................................... Page 55 Chapter 4: Love Systems .................................................................. Page 73 Chapter 5: Ceasing Control: the Pathway to Surrender .................... Page 99 Chapter 6: Breaking Free from Denial ............................................ Page 119 Chapter 7: Exposing Shame ............................................................ Page 135 Chapter 8: Receiving the Gift of Forgiveness ................................