Imago Relationship Theory and Therapy [email protected] Imago Relationship Therapy • It is a theory and a therapy of committed partnership. • Major thesis is that the purpose of the unconscious, in choosing a romantic partner, is to finish childhood. • Partner selection is the result of an unconscious match between a mental image of one’s parents/caregivers created in childhood (referred to as the Imago) and certain character traits of the attractive partner. [email protected] Imago Relationship Theory • The Imago match is the determining factor in selection because it is driven by the unconscious purpose of recovering wholeness by restoring connection which was ruptured in childhood by need frustration. • Romantic love, at one level, is the result of anticipated need satisfaction. • Romantic feelings diminish and the power struggle ensues. [email protected] Imago Relationship Therapy • Cooperate with the unconscious by creating a conscious committed partnership in which the couple intentionally meets each others unmet childhood needs. • Imago therapist use as their primary intervention a 3 stage structured process called the Couples Dialogue. [email protected] Imago…as relationship therapy • Couples learn specific skills and effective tools • Move from reactivity to intentionality • Creates safety and intimacy • Renew the love, passion, and potential of the relationship [email protected] Stages of an unconscious relationship Passion Expectations Attraction Disillusionment Attachment Frustration Illusion Anger/Fear Ecstasy Impasse Hope Symbiosis/Fusion Romantic love Power struggle [email protected] Outcomes of the power struggle • Divorce/Breakup • Parallel Relationship • Volatile Relationship • Acceptance/Resignation [email protected] The “Baggage” we carry • IMAGO • Unmet needs • Childhood wounds • Lost self • Character defenses [email protected] Our Imago: positive and negative traits of our major caretakers Male caretakers Female caretakers Me [email protected] Unmet Needs and Childhood Wounds • Attachment Stage (0-15 months) • Exploration Stage (15 months-3 years) • Identity Stage (3-4 years) • Competence (4-7 years) • Concern (7-12 years) • Intimacy (12-19 years) [email protected] Unmet needs • It was impossible for our caretakers to meet all of our needs, all of the time • Even the best of parents were not perfect • We all entered adulthood having some unmet needs and childhood wounds [email protected] Social Self – Socialization Messages Wholeness Repression It’s okay to… Don’t… • be • be • be you • be you • think • think • feel • feel • touch • touch • experience your body • experience your body • move • move [email protected] The Self and Its Parts • Presentational • Social • Hidden Core Energy and • Lost Beliefs • Denied • Disowned [email protected] Lost, Denied, and Disowned Selves Don’t touch Don’t move Don’t be sexual Don’t be strong Don’t enjoy your body Don’t make noise Don’t enjoy your Sensing Acting Don’t be athletic 5 senses Core Energy and Beliefs Don’t feel Don’t think Don’t show feelings Don’t be intuitive Thinking Feeling Don’t exaggerate Don’t solve problems Don’t be vulnerable Don’t be creative Don’t be fully alive Don’t express yourself [email protected] How we view the world [email protected] Response to unmet needs and repressive socialization • Fight • Flight • Freeze • Submit Character Defenses [email protected] Dr. Paul MacLean – Triune Brain [email protected] The Imago match Partner 1 Partner 2 [email protected] Pick Provoke Project [email protected] Minimizers (under-involved) Maximisers (over-involved) • Keep feelings in • Let feelings out • Exaggerate affect • Diminish affect • Depend on others • Deny dependency • Generally exaggerate needs • Deny their needs • Are compulsively open; subjective • Share little of their inner world • Tend to be overly inclusive of others • Tend to exclude others from their psychic space in psychic space • Tend toward clinging and • Withhold feelings, thoughts, and behaviors excessive generosity • Have diffuse self-boundaries • Have rigid self boundaries • Are outer-directed; generally ask • Are inner-directed, take direction mainly from themselves for directions from others; distrust their own perceptions • Think mainly about themselves • Focus on others • Act and think compulsively • Act impulsively • Alternates between passive-aggressive • Are usually submissive, manipulative and dominate/controlling • Tends to take the offensive position • Tends to be defensive [email protected] 2 character types Minimizer Maximizer [email protected] A typical Power Struggle might go like this - • He is quiet; she experiences this as withdrawal • She tries to get a response; he experiences this as nagging • He walks away; she experiences this as abandonment • She explodes in rage; he experiences this as an attack • He fights back…and it all ends in tears and resentment [email protected] Why don’t we just pick someone who can give us everything we didn’t get in childhood? [email protected] Imago Relationship Therapy • Cooperate with the unconscious by creating a conscious committed partnership in which the couple intentionally meets each others unmet childhood needs. • Finish childhood through a committed partnership with a person who reminds our unconscious of unmet childhood needs and/or wounds. [email protected] Conscious Relationship • Dissolve emotional symbiosis/fusion through differentiation • Safety • Passion/pleasure • Healing • Growth [email protected] Transformation process - Intentionality • Recommit • New image • Restructure frustrations • Re-romanticize • Create a new vision for your relationship [email protected] Martin Buber (1878-1965) PHILOSOPHY OF DIALOGUE Martin Buber’s philosophy of dialogue views the human existence in relationships, and in two fundamentally different kinds of relationships . “I-It” relationship “I-Thou” relationship [email protected] Intentional Dialogue A practical approach to authentic connection Mirror Validate Empathy [email protected] In summary… We can transform conflict into a deeper connection via dialogue… based on knowing the causes of conflict… and what attracts us to someone else. [email protected].