*big awesome credits splash on screen* Narrator: When the fighting men of Sparta stormed the gates of Thermopylae, they found in its records this mysterious entry: Prisoner #667, the Man in the Golden Mask. Narrator: *rifles notes* Shit. Wrong movie. Here we go: Narrator: In Sparta, we kill the deformed at birth. *Close-up of Skull Pit of Doom.* Narrator: We put our children through unimaginable tortures from the time they are old enough to hold a sword. *Close-up of kid getting beaten up.* Narrator: We abuse them constantly and allow them no rest. *Close-up of kid getting beaten up in front of other kids.* Narrator: We make them bleed for even sneezing wrong. *Close-up of kid getting beaten up more. There seems to be a Theme here.* Narrator: Then we send them, up the hill, both ways, barefoot, to fight the Fenris Wolf in the freezing cold. *Close-up of kid looking tough.* Audience: Isn't that Scandinav-- Narrator: SHUT UP! *Close-up of kid looking even tougher.* Audience: But why do they do all of this?? Narrator: It builds character! Audience: Goooooo Sparta! *Leonidas returns to Sparta wearing the wolf skin, where everyone else has to bow to him in the freezing cold - because everywhere else, kneeling is submission, but in Sparta, kneeling in the snow builds character.* Narrator: Then Leonidas came back to Sparta, which as you'll notice is a gold, gold place. Leonidas: Ahhhh, shining Sparta-- Audience: We know. Hot Queen Chick: Leonidas, I'm sorry to interrupt your son-torturing, but there's a messenger here. Persian Dude: Earth and water! Doom! Doom and fire! Sparta sucks! Your Queen sucks! The special effects suck! This movie is madness! Leonidas: Madness? We are all free men, yet we have a king! I'm the only Spartan with a distinctive Spartan brogue! THIS WHOLE REGION IS ACTUALLY CALLED LACEDAEMON!! I'll show you MADNESS! Die in a pit, muthafucka. *kicks* Palace Dudes: *draw swords* *big fight* Goooooo Sparta! *Leonidas climbs the hill to the Ephors, who look like the mutant offspring of Emperor Palpatine and the leper from Braveheart. Somehow, the narrator manages to narrate this despite Leonidas going alone.* Leonidas: But you don't understand! Golden, perfect Sparta is threatened by Persians that have even more gold! If they invade and take over, this place will become even golder! You cannot imagine the wealth these marauders will clink and clank into this land! We must fight! What say you, Ephors? Leprous Monster Ephor: We must consult the Oracle. *Cue dance scene choreographed by Georgia O'Keeffe and Marion Zimmer Bradley.* Oracle: *babbling in the only real Greek to be found anywhere in Sparta* LME: She says, "Get your green slimy tongue off of me, dickweed." Leonidas: ..... LME: She says, "Force your people to pronounce your name correctly, Leonidas." Leonidas: I was wondering about that. LME: She says, "Keep the Karneia and let the Persians burn everything." Leonidas: Fuck. LME: She says, "Ooooh, shiny." Leonidas: Oh, screw this shit. *climbs back down* Ephors: *bathe in pure sweet gold* Audience: Goooooo Sparta? Full Moon: *shines impossibly* Hot Queen Chick: What is it, Leonidas? Are you all turned on by the Watercolour Oracle of Obfuscating Doom? Leonidas: No, that's not it. Hot Queen Chick: Are you bothered that the Ephors have been mutated from important elders and statesmen into weird creepwads who live on a torchlit hill out in the middle of nowhere that can only be reached by climbing solid rock, despite the fact that they're all obviously deformed and could never make that climb? Leonidas: Nah. Hot Queen Chick: Are you wondering how they get food and gold and hot young oracles up there? Leonidas: Hadn't crossed my mind, really. Hot Queen Chick: Room too warm? Indigestion? Chocolate crav-- Leonidas: I don't want Sparta to burn down, you bloody idiot! Hot Queen Chick: Ohhhhhh. Well, here's what I suggest: Leonidas: *listens intently, the way all great leaders of warrior countries listen to their wives* *cough* Hot Queen Chick: Think as a free man. Be free. Liberate yourself. From this restraining loincloth. Leonidas: Huh? Hot Queen Chick: *shag shag shag* Leonidas: Oooh. Goooooo Sparta. *Warriors and Leonidas assemble, all wearing the quintessential Spartan battle accessory: The Crimson Hooded Cloak, which can twist around the neck, get caught on things, be grabbed by an enemy, and generally accomplishes nothing in a military sense. They also wear custom-made leather undies with rivets and have obviously oiled their big, gleaming chests.* Leonidas: So we're going for a walk now. Spartans: ..... Leonidas: No breaking laws here. We're totally not fighting. Especially not near the Hot Gates. Spartans: Cool. See ya. *Leonidas and Hot Queen Chick meet for the last time. Nothing is said except through really moving close- up shots of both of them being stony-faced, stoic, and generally Spartan.* Hot Queen Chick: Come back with your shield...or on it. Audience: Isn't that what the mothers said to their childr-- Narrator: SHUT UP. Piper In Front of the Crowd: Bravely, brave Sir Leo, walked out to Spartan shores...he was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Leo! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways! Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Leo! He was not at all afraid to be chopped into a pulp! Or to have his eyes speared out, oh brave Sir Leo! He was n-- Leonidas: What the hell is he playing? Captain: *darkly* Outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes. Leonidas: Well, shut him up, will you? I outlawed this shit for a reason. Captain: Don't worry. The audience can't hear him anyway. Leonidas: Are we ready for battle, men? Spartans: OooOOOOga! *football hand-pump* Goooooo Sparta! *Spartans wedge themselves into mountain pass. Persians are shown on the sea with a fleet numbering at least 8,964,552,039,184 pixels' worth of CGI ships.* Other Greeks: We're doomed! DOOM AND FIRE! Spartans: Pussies. Arcadian: But we are doomed, you know? Spartans: Your point? Leonidas: What are your occupations, Spartans? Spartans: Spear fodder, sir! OooOOOOga! *football hand-pump* Leonidas: You see? I brought more corpses than you. *Much later, after a large impossible push of Persians, which the Spartans in their manly vigour totally stop. Scene atop a big rock where anyone could see and shoot at Leonidas.* Gollum: *staggers* *cowers* *swings hump around* Leonidas: Gah! I cannot use you, Ephialtes. Your appearance is repulsive, your shield-arm defective. Gollum: The precioussss has betrayed me! *discards sword and shield in characteristically un-Spartan gesture* *yells hopelessly into chasm* I'll get you, Leonidas!!! Leonidas: Whatever. I need to go eat fruit and stomp on dead people now. You can come sweep up the corpses when you're done angsting. Gollum: How did we get fresh apples up he-- Narrator: SHUT UP! Leonidas: Morning, men! How goes it? Men: *stabbity stabbity stabbity* We love the smell of death in the morning! *stabbity stabbity stabbity* Captain: Leonidas, there's someone here to see you. He's very...shiny. Leonidas: That must be Xerxes. Here, have some breakfast. *throws apple and dashes nimbly over corpses* *Xerxes sits on a big dais-thing. He has obviously rushed straight from Persia at the alarming news that three hundred entire Spartans are opposing his massive Persian invasion of eight kajillion ships in a little mountain pass in the middle of nowhere. Clearly, this is a man who takes statesmanship - and jewelled bondage - very seriously. He slithers from the dais, stepping on people as he goes.* Leonidas: *squints, shocked* Ra?! Xerxes: Wrong movie. Leonidas: Ohhhh, Xerxes. Xerxes: Yes. Yes I am. I AM YOUR GOD. Leonidas: Really?? Xerxes: Look at the evidence, bitch. I step on people. Leonidas: I just did that too. Your people, too, in fact. Xerxes: I command many loyal subjects. Leonidas: So do I. Xerxes: I am rich with gold and surrounded by beauty. Leonidas: Ditto, dude. Xerxes: I have hardcore facial piercings and a drapey thing on my head. Leonidas: You got me there. Xerxes: So. Kneel. Leonidas: Are you actually going to act at any point in time? Xerxes: No. I will stand here and look impressive. Leonidas: Does everyone in Persia have a Spanish accent? Xerxes: Yes. Except for the British messenger that you pushed into the pit and the Arabic announcer you will later kill. Leonidas: Will we have to adopt Spanish accents and lose our distinctive Scots-English-Spartan lilt? Xerxes: Yes, but I will make you Overlord of All Greece and give you lots of shiny things. Leonidas: Will I have to shave my beard and be bald like you? Xerxes: Of course. Your bling will not hang properly otherwise. Leonidas: We are free men in Sparta! Fuck you! *turns and leaves* Leonidas: *to men* Get ready for more war, everybody! Arcadian: You are fucking insane, dude. Spartans: OooOOOOga! *football hand-pump* Goooooo Sparta! *Back in Sparta.* Abraham Lincoln: So, you want an audience in the Senate, m'lady? Hot Queen Chick: Yes. Yes I do. Abe: Okay. I guess I can arrange that. Hot Queen Chick: Okay. Abe: *looks around* Is that it? Hot Queen Chick: Um...basically. Abe: Um, okay. Bye. *Much later.* Evil Senate Dude: Sooooooo... I don't like you, and you don't like me. Hot Queen Chick: Nope. ESD: So the logical move was for you to invite me here, alone and unchaperoned, so that we could pretend there's absolutely no sexual tension here. HQC: Basically. ESD: You want the Senate? HQC: Yeah.