<p>REPORT: Demand for key & ID card replacement plummets after campus wide lanyard adoption</p><p>Connor Camp Valley Times</p><p>UNIVERSITY PARK, PA – Commons desk workers everywhere have been finding new ways to pass time as fewer and fewer students are coming in looking for room key and ID card replacements “I used to be doing, 4, maybe 5 key replacements per shift. Now I just play Clash of Clans on my phone and desperately wait till people pick up packages,” reports Richie Turner (Fr., biology), a commons desk worker in Findley Commons. This alarming downward dive in demand for replacements has been chalked up to a new fad that is sweeping the campus – lanyards. Alpha Phi sorority sister Kelsey Quigley (Fr., DUS) stated, “So, like, my big got me this lanyard after I lost my key the first time. I was all, ‘best gift ever!! Love you big!!!’ ‘cause like, come on they’re so cool!”</p><p>-Chart Courtesy of Prof. Dirk Mateer</p><p>Students seem to be using their lanyards they received at their FTCAPs. At this point, having the lanyard string hang out of the pocket is as universal and symbolic of Dear Old State as the blue and white colors they bare. Even non-students are noticing the craze. A man in front of the Willard Building noted, “It’s really become a common sight here, these lanyards. Seems that everyone who’s anyone I see walking up and down the mall has one, maybe even two. It’s most likely some foul, premarital sex device which they’ll all rot in hell for,” The new craze for lanyards is apparently based on their utilitarian functionality, sleek look, and also, a healthy dash of classism. Backup running back Chuck Lapenta (Sr., Communications) reports, “Yea, I always see frickin’ freshman dorks walkin’ around, keepin their ID+ cards in their wallets and their keys in their pockets. It’s the easiest way to pick them out so I can slap their books out of their hands…losers”</p>