<p> Who's On First – Star Trek Edition</p><p>[Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty are huddled in a corridor near a transporter room, talking with one another, in the distance, Spock rounds a corner and heads toward the group.]</p><p>McCoy: Shh! He's coming! Scotty, go act like you're adjusting the transporter or something.</p><p>Scotty: Aye, Doctor.</p><p>Kirk: Ah, hello Mister Spock.</p><p>Spock: Good day, Captain.</p><p>Kirk: Are you familiar with the game "baseball," Mr Spock?</p><p>Spock: Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of four sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to deflect the object with a long wooden stick called a "bat," amidst loud verbalizations of "Hurrah" and "The umpire was paid off!" Is this correct?</p><p>Kirk: Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.</p><p>Spock: Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history . . . perhaps I may be of assistance.</p><p>Kirk: That's the idea.</p><p>Spock: Very well. Proceed.</p><p>Kirk: All right. Who's on first.</p><p>Spock: I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.</p><p>Kirk: So?</p><p>Spock: Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.</p><p>Kirk: No--Who's on first.</p><p>Spock: I do not know.</p><p>McCoy: Third base.</p><p>Spock: Who is?</p><p>Kirk: No--he's first base.</p><p>Spock: Who is?</p><p>Kirk: Correct.</p><p>Spock: Who is correct? Kirk: Sometimes.</p><p>Spock: Who is sometimes?</p><p>Kirk: No, Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity.</p><p>Spock: Whose identity?</p><p>Kirk: No, him I know--he's first baseman.</p><p>Spock: Who is?</p><p>Kirk: That's right.</p><p>Spock: Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.</p><p>Kirk: What.</p><p>Spock: I said the second baseman.</p><p>Kirk: What.</p><p>Spock: This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked . . . who is the second baseman?</p><p>Kirk: No, you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.</p><p>Spock: Very well. Captain, I ask you politely: who is the second baseman?</p><p>Kirk: No, Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.</p><p>Spock: That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. "Who is the second baseman?", not "What is the second baseman?"</p><p>Kirk: Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.</p><p>Spock: That statement is most illogical.</p><p>Kirk: Wait a minute--we'll get Scotty. He's Scottish, he must love baseball. Oh, Mister Scott?</p><p>Scotty: (coming from the transporter room) Aye, Cap'n?</p><p>Kirk: Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.</p><p>Scotty: Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!</p><p>Kirk: You see, Spock?</p><p>Spock: Yes . . . Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Very well. Mister Scott, who is the second baseman? Scotty: Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!</p><p>Spock: I know that be what . . . er . . . is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.</p><p>Scotty: Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!</p><p>Spock: What has this got to do with field events?</p><p>Scotty: Ach! No! What's the second baseman!</p><p>Spock: Again, I note that a person should be referred to as "who" and not "what," Mister Scott.</p><p>Scotty: Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!</p><p>Spock: What you are saying is most illogical.</p><p>Scotty: Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!</p><p>Spock: Who is a "real bright fella" Mister Scott?</p><p>Scotty: No! Who . . . now he's a real dope, sir!</p><p>Spock: Who is?</p><p>Scotty: Right!</p><p>Spock: Captain, this is most illogical, and I do not feel as though we are getting anywhere. Perhaps we can discuss the identity of another player, such as the pitcher?</p><p>Kirk: Tomorrow.</p><p>Spock: Tomorrow? If you are genuinely interested in this discussion, today would be much better.</p><p>McCoy: Well, Spock, Today *is* good, but he's the catcher.</p><p>Spock: Who is?</p><p>Scotty: Nay, Mr Spock--Who's the first baseman.</p><p>Spock: I do not know.</p><p>Kirk: Third base!</p><p>Spock: What?</p><p>Kirk: No, he's on second.</p><p>Spock: Who is? Kirk: No, Spock, Who's on first.</p><p>Spock: I do not know.</p><p>McCoy: Third base!</p><p>[This continues on for quite some time until finally we see a medical team in the corridor, gathered around Spock, who is bound in a straitjacket.]</p><p>Spock: (babbling incoherently) I don't know who what first base second base third base catcher pitcher today tomorrow I don't know . . .</p><p>Kirk: Bones, do you think maybe we went too far this time? </p>