About The Believer magazine The Believer is a magazine offering essays, interviews, reviews, and advice, the latter of which appears in the form of a monthly column called “Sedaratives.” The Sedaratives column, which started in May 2005 with advice by Amy Sedaris, gave rise to this book. About the Editor Eric Spitznagel is a contributing editor for The Believer magazine, where he cocreated (along with Amy Sedaris) the Sedaratives column. He’s also the author of six books and a frequent contributor to Playboy and Vanity Fair. He has one more testicle than Hitler, which he considers a moral victory. Contents INTRODUCTION BY DAVID CROSS AZIZ ANSARI JUDD APATOW FRED ARMISEN MARIA BAMFORD TODD BARRY SAMANTHA BEE MICHAEL IAN BLACK AND MICHAEL SHOWALTER ANDY BOROWITZ MICHAEL CERA VERNON CHATMAN AND JOHN LEE ROB CORDDRY LARRY DOYLE PAUL FEIG JIM GAFFIGAN ZACH GALIFIANAKIS JANEANE GAROFALO DANIEL HANDLER TODD HANSON TIM HEIDECKER AND ERIC WAREHEIM ED HELMS BUCK HENRY MINDY KALING THOMAS LENNON AL MADRIGAL AASIF MANDVI MARC MARON ADAM MCKAY EUGENE MIRMAN MORGAN MURPHY BOB ODENKIRK JOHN OLIVER PATTON OSWALT MARTHA PLIMPTON HAROLD RAMIS AMY SEDARIS SARAH SILVERMAN PAUL F. TOMPKINS SARAH VOWELL DAVID WAIN RAINN WILSON LIZZ WINSTEAD THE HORRIBLE PEOPLE Introduction Dear David Cross: We’re thinking about publishing a book of advice. It would involve getting a bunch of our favorite comedians and writers and actors (and whoever else is available) to answer questions on a variety of topics, particularly those in which they have very little knowledge or experience. Does this seem like a good idea? Best, The Believer magazine San Francisco, CA Dear The Believer magazine: Unfortunately, I cannot answer your impertinent question with a simple “Sure” or “Ha-ha! Wait, you’re not serious, are you?” answer. I’m afraid this will take a great deal of thought and therefore time. I’m not sure that I have that time to give. I am currently in the middle of Doodle City: Legend of Kylarath, and I am very close to getting an upgrade for my Shield of the Ancients and the magic grapes from the Innkeeper. I don’t know that I can or want to help you. But … a deal is a deal, yes? What you have done for me is unforgivable. Sorry, Freudian slip. Unforgettable is what I meant. Okay then, let’s do this. I will need to take off the next three weeks from work. (I am a life coach for Jack Welch.) Given that, I am booking a flight now to Upper Mongolia, where I can meditate on the answer unmolested by technology or beauty. There. I have booked it. Computers!! The flight leaves tonight from Newark. It is costly and I am sitting in the back row just across from the toilet. I have been told to bring my own snacks, as none will be provided. I booked it on Orbitz.com less than five minutes ago and have already received four spam e-mails from them. No, I do not want to save up to 35 percent on a flight/hotel package to Disney World. Before I leave for the airport, let me just ask this: Why? Is this book really necessary? Will it help? Or will it hurt? I mean really hurt, like ten waterboardings and an Indian burn on your penis and/or vulva? Have you given that any thought? What about animals? Are they being considered? Especially cute otters? What about the people of Southeast Asia? And why now? How come not in a couple of weeks? I don’t understand. I especially don’t understand why I am going on this long, involved, inconvenient trip. I could’ve just taken a bath. Oh well, the ticket has been paid for and is waiting in webspace. If nothing else, I should lose a couple of pounds from the dysentery. I’m going to take a quick nap and poo before the flight. Later, skater! (A short while later.) Well, I am now at the gate and there has been a slight delay due to a military coup that took place earlier this evening in one of the cities we were supposed to stop in on the way. It was in the fictional town of Khurgiztisk. Hashna Hoti was thrown out of office and replaced by his brother Adnan, a high-ranking wizard in World of Warcraft. I am quickly losing power in my iPod as well. But that’s okay; I brought along some mix tapes. I’m going to give them to the pilot to stick in the stereo once we level off and attain our cruising altitude. It’s mostly Bikini Kill and early Faust. Oh, hang on. (An indeterminate number of days later.) Great! The coup failed and we are cleared for takeoff. Adnan hoti was killed in the public square by children and wolves. Thank the gods! I can now eat those salt-and-vinegar pork rinds I found. The new leader is Grzk Usbghg, a donkey groomer from the early 1900s. (One flight later.) I am now back in America and feel well rested if nothing else. You had asked me something earlier before I left the country. What was it? Something about your doing a book of “advice”? Well, before I can answer you, I need to ask a few questions. 1. Will this be a “for-profit” book, or will all monies collected be sent to charity, specifically the International Association for Blinds and Deafs? 2. Will it be “funny”? And if so, will it be smugly absurd or absurdly smug? 3. Who played shortstop for the Atlanta Braves after Rafael Ramírez? 4. Will this be the kind of book I can find and purchase at the airport or will I have to go to a scary anarchist’s underground bunker to find it? 5. Will I receive credit toward junior college for this? 6. I believe that five questions are enough. But not more than enough. That would be six questions. 7. Please see question number 6. Until I receive a satisfactory reply to the above, I’m afraid I can’t help you. Anxiously awaiting your reply (not really), David Cross Aziz Ansari Dear Aziz: My best friend recently asked if my wife is a beard. I don’t understand the question. Is he luring me into a game of absurdist improv? Should I respond with “No, she’s a teapot. Is your wife a Persian rug?” R. Hayes Bakersfield, CA Dear R. Hayes: Your playful back-and-forth makes it very clear. You should respond with “Brian, I love you and I want to leave my wife.” Hide your true feelings no more. Aziz … Dear Aziz: I just saw my grandma’s tattoos. Suddenly I don’t want tattoos anymore. (That was the saddest-looking unicorn I’ve ever seen.) Is there a way of getting rid of a tramp stamp without expensive surgery? Mikayla Mississauga, ON, Canada Dear Mikayla: Unfortunately, there is no easy way out. The best thing to do is to get tattoos that age well. Perhaps a tattoo of a young Michael Caine, which will age gracefully into a tattoo of an older Michael Caine. Another option is to get a huge arrow tattooed on your back. Have it point to the tat, and at the top write, “I really regret this and I promise I’m not a whore.” Aziz … Dear Aziz: How long can you spend masturbating to pictures of ex-girlfriends on Facebook before it becomes a problem? Ethan Boise, ID Dear Ethan: At the current time, I’d say you don’t have a problem. But if it moves from Facebook to Twitter and you are simply masturbating to her Twitter updates, then it’s time to step away and reassess the situation. Aziz … Dear Aziz: How does one go about becoming a ward of the state? It sounds like a sweet deal. Daniel Wyatt Minneapolis, MN Dear Daniel: Unfortunately, I’m too lazy to go to Wikipedia or Google and find out exactly what a ward of the state is. The person sitting next to me didn’t know either. I suggest you drop this dream. Aziz … Dear Aziz: Every time I think of her, I get so dizzy that I want to throw up. Am I in love? Just Gavin Cleveland, OH Dear Gavin: This happened to me once, too. You used old milk in the macaroni you just made. Don’t eat any more! Aziz … Dear Aziz: Can a single woman and a married man be “just friends”? We’ve made jokes like “What’s a handjob between pals?” But I’m pretty sure he was just kidding. Oh crap, does he think he’s getting a handjob? Dammit! Charlotte Boston, MA Dear Charlotte: I was once a maid in a very posh hotel, and a guest who was running for senator came into the room of a socialite to say hello. I was inside cleaning and was trying on a fancy jacket owned by the socialite. The senatorial candidate walked in and, believing that I was the socialite, went with me on a walk in the park. There was a bond formed based on a lie, but I had to pursue it. So my answer is I’m not sure; I just wanted to tell someone I was the inspiration for the hit film Maid in Manhattan, starring Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes. Aziz Judd Apatow Dear Judd: I was talking on the phone with my brother not long ago, and while we were saying our goodbye I told him I loved him.