Double or Nothing? mn Double or published by university press of new england hanover and london po po Nothing? Jewish Families and Mixed Marriage Sylvia Barack Fishman BRANDEIS UNIVERSITY PRESS nm Brandeis University Press Published by University Press of New England, 37 Lafayette St., Lebanon, NH 03766 © 2004 by Brandeis University Press All rights reserved Printed in the United States of America 54321 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Fishman, Sylvia Barack, 1942– Double or nothing? : Jewish familes and mixed marriage / Sylvia Barack Fishman. p. cm.—(Brandeis series in American Jewish history, culture, and life) (Brandeis series on Jewish Women) Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 1–58465–206–3 (cloth : alk. paper) 1. Interfaith marriage—United States. 2. Jews—United States—Social conditions. 3. Jewish families—United States. I. Title. II. Series. III. Series: Brandeis series on Jewish women HQ1031.F56 2004 306.84Ј3Ј0973—dc22 2003021956 Brandeis Series in American Jewish History, Culture, and Life Jonathan D. Sarna, Editor Sylvia Barack Fishman, Associate Editor Leon A. Jick, 1992 The Americanization of the Synagogue, 1820–1870 Sylvia Barack Fishman, editor, 1992 Follow My Footprints: Changing Images of Women in American Jewish Fiction Gerald Tulchinsky, 1993 Taking Root: The Origins of the Canadian Jewish Community Shalom Goldman, editor, 1993 Hebrew and the Bible in America: The First Two Centuries Marshall Sklare, 1993 Observing America’s Jews Reena Sigman Friedman, 1994 These Are Our Children: Jewish Orphanages in the United States, 1880–1925 Alan Silverstein, 1994 Alternatives to Assimilation: The Response of Reform Judaism to American Culture, 1840–1930 Jack Wertheimer, editor, 1995 The American Synagogue: A Sanctuary Transformed Sylvia Barack Fishman, 1995 A Breath of Life: Feminism in the American Jewish Community Diane Matza, editor, 1996 Sephardic-American Voices: Two Hundred Years of a Literary Legacy Joyce Antler, editor, 1997 Talking Back: Images of Jewish Women in American Popular Culture Jack Wertheimer, 1997 A People Divided: Judaism in Contemporary America Beth S. Wenger and Jeffrey Shandler, editors, 1998 Encounters with the “Holy Land”: Place, Past and Future in American Jewish Culture David Kaufman, 1998 Shul with a Pool: The “Synagogue-Center” in American Jewish History Roberta Rosenberg Farber and Chaim I. Waxman, editors, 1999 Jews in America: A Contemporary Reader Murray Friedman and Albert D. Chernin, editors, 1999 A Second Exodus: The American Movement to Free Soviet Jews Stephen J. Whitfield, 1999 In Search of American Jewish Culture Naomi W. Cohen, 1999 Jacob H. Schiff: A Study in American Jewish Leadership Barbara Kessel, 2000 Suddenly Jewish: Jews Raised as Gentiles Jonathan N. Barron and Eric Murphy Selinger, editors, 2000 Jewish American Poetry: Poems, Commentary, and Reflections Steven T. Rosenthal, 2001 Irreconcilable Differences: The Waning of the American Jewish Love Affair with Israel Pamela S. Nadell and Jonathan D. Sarna, editors, 2001 Women and American Judaism: Historical Perspectives Annelise Orleck, with photographs by Elizabeth Cooke, 2001 The Soviet Jewish Americans Ilana Abramovitch and Seán Galvin, editors, 2001 Jews of Brooklyn Ranen Omer-Sherman, 2002 Diaspora and Zionism in American Jewish Literature: Lazarus, Syrkin, Reznikoff, and Roth Ori Z. Soltes, 2003 Fixing the World: Jewish American Painters in the Twentieth Century David Zurawik, 2003 The Jews of Prime Time Ava F. Kahn and Marc Dollinger, editors, 2003 California Jews Naomi W. Cohen, 2003 The Americanization of Zionism, 1897–1948 Gary P. Zola, editor, 2003 The Dynamics of American Jewish History: Jacob Rader Marcus’s Essays on Ameri- can Jewry Judah M. Cohen, 2003 Through the Sands of Time: A History of the Jewish Community of St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands Seth Farber, 2003 Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, the Maimonides School, and Boston’s Modern Orthodox Community Amy L. Sales and Leonard Saxe, 2003 “How Goodly Are Thy Tents”: Summer Camps as Jewish Socializing Experiences Sylvia Barack Fishman, 2004 Double or Nothing? Jewish Families and Mixed Marriage Brandeis Series on Jewish Women Shulamit Reinharz, General Editor Joyce Antler, Associate Editor Sylvia Barack Fishman, Associate Editor The Brandeis Series on Jewish Women is an innovative book series created by The Hadassah-Brandeis Institute. BSJW publishes a wide range of books by and about Jewish women in diverse contexts and time periods, of interest to scholars and the ed- ucated public. The series fills a major gap in Jewish learning by focusing on the lives of Jewish women and Jewish gender studies. Marjorie Agosín, Uncertain Travelers: Conversations with Jewish Women Immigrants to America, 1999 Rahel R. Wasserfall, Women and Water: Menstruation in Jewish Life and Law, 1999 Susan Starr Sered, What Makes Women Sick: Militarism, Maternity, and Modesty in Israeli Society, 2000 Pamela S. Nadell and Jonathan D. Sarna, editors, Women and American Judaism: Historical Perspectives, 2001 Ludmila Shtern, Leaving Leningrad: The True Adventures of a Soviet Émigré, 2001 Jael Silliman, Jewish Portraits, Indian Frames: Women’s Narratives from a Diaspora of Hope, 2001 Judith R. Baskin, Midrashic Women, 2002 ChaeRan Y. Freeze, Jewish Marriage and Divorce in Imperial Russia, 2002 Mark A. Raider and Miriam B. Raider-Roth, The Plough Woman: Records of the Pio- neer Women of Palestine, 2002 Elizabeth Wyner Mark, editor, The Covenant of Circumcision: New Perspectives on an Ancient Jewish Rite, 2003 Kalpana Misra and Melanie S. Rich, Jewish Feminism in Israel: Some Contemporary Perspectives, 2003 Farideh Goldin, Wedding Song: Memoirs of an Iranian Jewish Woman, 2003 Rochelle L. Millen, “A Time to Be Born, a Time to Die”: Women, Birth, and Death in Jewish Law and Practice, 2003 Sylvia Barack Fishman, Double or Nothing? Jewish Families and Mixed Marriage, 2004 Iris Parush, Women’s Reading and the Eastern European Jewish Enlightenment, 2004 Tamar Ross, Expanding the Palace of Torah: Orthodoxy and Feminism, 2004 For Phil With love Twice Chai Contents Acknowledgments xv Introduction: Following Our Hearts 1 Part I: Through the Looking Glass 15 1: When Opposites Attract 17 2: Meet My Parents 34 3: The Wedding Planners 39 4: Inventing New Selves and Traditions 48 Part II: Living Mixed Traditions 55 5: Dreaming of a White—Whatever 57 6: Life-Cycle Events—I Hope God Has a Sense of Humor 77 7: Yours, Mine, and Ours 85 Part III: Mixed Marriage in Cultural Contexts 99 8: Interfaith Romance in Literature, Film, and Popular Culture 101 9: Mixed Messages Are the Medium 124 10: Speculating on Jewish Futures 152 Appendix: Tables from the Year 2000–2001 NJPS 169 Notes 177 Index 189 Acknowledgments It is my pleasure to thank the individuals and institutions who contributed to the research and writing of this book. I owe a great debt of gratitude to many Brandeis University friends, especially Len Saxe and the Cohen Center for Modern Jewish Studies; Len’s wisdom was invaluable in the planning and implementation of my original research, and in comments on this manuscript. As always, I am grateful to Jonathan Sarna in his role as series editor and for his many helpful comments, and to chair Marc Brettler and the faculty and staff of the Near Eastern and Judaic Studies Department. My work has been supported and encouraged in many ways by founding director Shulamit Rein- harz and the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute, board chairs Diane Troderman and Annie Sandler, and colleagues Helene Greenberg, Nancy Vineberg, and Debby Olins. Not least, Brandeis University Press editor Phyllis Deutsch provided a keen literary eye as well as patience and support, and the UPNE staff were splendid. Double or Nothing? Jewish Families and Mixed Marriage draws on origi- nal interview research that was supported by David Singer and Steven Bayme at the American Jewish Committee, and it would not have been possible without them. David read portions of this manuscript as well and made in- sightful comments. A hearty thank you to the couples in New England, New Jersey, Atlanta, and Denver who opened their homes and hearts to me and my exceptional team, including Naomi Bar Yam, project manager, and inter- viewers Christian J. Churchill, Lila Corwin, Margie Nesson, Rachel Rocken- macher, and Mark Rosen. I would also like to thank the Dovetail Institute for inviting me to address their August 2002 conference in Chicago, providing the opportunity to hear additional ideas and experiences of dual-faith families. Ben Phillips brilliantly deciphered the 2000 NJPS to produce useful sta- tistical tables. My assistants Sarah Slone and Suzy Klein accomplished nu- merous tasks with skill, speed, patience, and good humor during the process of revising this manuscript. Help in gathering materials on cultural contexts was provided by HBI student interns Dena Wigder and Aviva Dautch. Anne Lawrence and Jennifer Coveney in the NEJS office were always gracious and helpful. Nancy Zibman competently created the index. Colleagues across the country made useful suggestions and shared their own research with me as I wrote this book. I would especially like to thank Bruce Phillips, Charles Kadushin, and Dru Greenwood for encouraging me to look at my data in new ways, and Bonnie Cousens for providing informa- tion about secular Jewish humanism. Writing a book that analyzes people’s marital choices and negotiations is a compelling enterprise, often drawing on a great deal of psychic as well as in- tellectual and organizational