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A Comedy in Two Acts by Randy Hugh Wall ALL RIGHTS RESERVED REPRODUCTION WITHOUT SPECIFIC WRITTEN PERMISSION PROHIBITED Performance Rights Available Exclusively through Heartland Plays, Inc. at heartlandplays.com [email protected] customer service: 406-431-7680 Copyright © 2013 by Randy Hugh Wall Remediating Ripper 3 Remediating Ripper by Randy Hugh Wall CHARACTERS JACK T. RIPPER; mid 30's, English professor at a small college EDWIN; English department chair, early 30's, Jack’s boss KEISHA; blind female, early 20’s, angry African-American student RAY; 20 year-old male student, slacker, still living at home JOPLIN; 17 year-old female student, home schooled, cute, Hippie appearance RUTH; female student, mid 20’s, former exotic dancer SETTING A small community college. All scenes are set in the cluttered, eclectic office of English professor Jack Ripper. TIME Summer; The present. The play takes place over the course of six weeks. SCENES ACT 1 Scene 1.....Jack's office.....Friday, a week before classes Scene 2.....Jack's office.....The next Friday afternoon Scene 3.....Jack's office.....The following Friday afternoon Scene 4.....Jack's office.....The following Monday morning Scene 5.....Jack's office.....That afternoon Scene 6.....Jack's office.....The following Friday afternoon ACT 2 Scene 1.....Jack's office......Friday, two weeks later Scene 2.....Jack's office......Friday, the following week Scene 3.....Jack's office......Friday, last day of class Remediating Ripper 4 Remediating Ripper by Randy Hugh Wall ACT I; SCENE ONE (AT RISE: The scene opens on the office of JACK THEODORE RIPPER, professor of English at a small college. His office has a slightly schizophrenic atmosphere —filled with hundreds of novels, plays, and texts. A few posters for literary journals and conferences are tacked to the walls. But there are also dozens of toys and curiosities scattered across the desk and bookcases: a wind-up duck riding a bicycle, battery-operated statues of Rodney Dangerfield and Louis Armstrong, a Mr. Potato Head massager, a neon clock that says “Ripper’s Bar and Grill,” and several dozen PEZ dispensers scattered around. Except for the PEZ dispensers, the exact props don't really matter here; we're going after eclectic. It’s a small office which, in addition to an L-shaped desk and bookcases, is filled with a recliner beside the desk, a sofa against one wall, and a short, uncomfortable looking stool for a guest chair. The sofa is littered with books and papers, leaving no room for anyone to sit.) (JACK is dozing in the recliner when the phone rings. HE stretches across the desk to answer it by pushing the speaker phone button.) JACK (Loudly) You’ve reached the office of Jack T. Ripper. I’m sorry I’m not in the office, but we’re between semesters. If you need advice regarding summer registration or the English department, call Edwin Penny, Department Chair, at extension 4624. Thanks for calling Canyon Lakes College and good-bye. (JACK flops back into his chair. HE kicks off one shoe, takes the Mr. Potato Head massager off the corner of the desk and begins to use it on his foot when a head sticks in through the doorway.) EDWIN I’m glad I caught you, Jack. I heard you weren’t in. JACK Just prepping for class, Edwin. And who said I’m not in? Remediating Ripper 5 EDWIN Said you. At least look at caller ID before you go into your answer phone impersonation. JACK So what’s the reason for this unwanted pleasure? You didn’t actually come by to say you finished your dissertation? What’s it been – ten years? Is there no statute of limitations on crimes against the English language? EDWIN It’s been two years. Serious work takes time. We can’t all write a semi-pornographic best seller to get a Ph.D. in creative writing ... like you. JACK Well, thanks for stopping by. (JACK leans back and covers his face with a magazine.) EDWIN Jack, I need a favor. JACK No. EDWIN I’m not asking. As Department Chair, I’m requesting. JACK (Tosses the magazine on the desk) Same here. As a tenured professor and the only Ph.D., semi-pornographic or otherwise in this room, I’m asking you to go away ... and requesting you let me get back to class prep or massaging my foot, whichever strikes my fancy. EDWIN (Points to the stool) May I take a seat? JACK Sure, take it and leave. It’s uncomfortable, but I’ll need it back when classes start. It keeps student visits mercifully short. EDWIN (Ignores him and sits) I’ll make this simple. I need you to work with some Quad Zero students. JACK What the hell are Quad Zero students? And no matter what they are, the answer is “no.” EDWIN They’re new students who didn’t pass the writing entrance exam, so they can’t take other courses without being enrolled in developmental English. Remediating Ripper 6 JACK What's that got to do with me? I don't do remedial. EDWIN It’s been called “developmental” for the last ten years, not remedial, but hear me out, Jack. As Department Chair it’s my job to make teaching assignments whether you like it or not. JACK What about Judith? Isn’t she our remedi ... developmental specialist? I'd never intrude in her area of expertise. EDWIN Judith's taking the summer off to stay home with the babies. JACK Judith had a baby? I thought she was just retaining water ... a couple hundred gallons more than usual. EDWIN She had babies ... twins. JACK (Hopefully) Siamese? EDWIN Look, we have four students that need developmental English. Four isn’t enough to make as a class, so when that happens we assign them to English 0000, Quad Zero, where they’re tutored by a developmental English teacher ... normally Judith. JACK Only Normally Judith had Siamese triplets. EDWIN Twins. JACK Triple zeros, double zeros – what's the difference? Zeros are zeros. Are you sure she’s not making this up to get the summer off? Have you actually seen these remedial creatures she allegedly spawned? EDWIN I visited Judith at the hospital. Besides, she e-mailed pictures to everyone. JACK It looked like Spam...as in the lunch meat. EDWIN I need you to work with these students, Jack. It’s only for six weeks. Remediating Ripper 7 JACK Six weeks, six days, six hours, six minutes, six seconds ... NO. EDWIN That’s your final answer? JACK Let’s see. I said “no” when you walked in, I’m saying “no” now, and if you’ll head for the door, I’ll give you my final answer then. EDWIN It's your call. But the dean’s asking me to recommend a faculty liaison for the college’s ten-year internal evaluation. It’s the dean’s baby so to speak, and that lucky faculty member will belong to him for the next year-and-a-half or so.