Praise for Satire In The Trump Era “The Halfway Post boldly says the quiet part of contemporary Republican politics out loud, cleverly using conservatives’ own disdain for political correctness as a cudgel against the GOP’s various bureaucratic excesses, mental redundancies, and ideological incongruities.” “A masterfully accurate portrait of the Trump years, as well as the gamut of Donald Trump’s deranged vulgarities, ranging from his passion for alluding to incest to his fingers’ resemblance to chubby, little sausages.” “The Halfway Post has more perspicacious, anonymous sources than any other news company in America, and gets right to the heart of the Trump Administration’s negligent soullessness. There is no better insight into the grotesque personal idiosyncrasies of the public figures orbiting the Trump White House.” —A perspicacious, anonymous source “This book is chock-full with impregnable mockery of the conspicuous, self-conscious sexual impotency inherent in the fundamentalist repression of an impressive number of social realities in contemporary Red State America.” “Dash MacIntyre is certainly going to Hell, and I look forward to meeting him there and having cocktails over polite, affably deliberate palaver.” —Jesus “If anyone should be able to take a joke, it’s Me! Whereas many devout worshippers of Mine will be horrified at the collected heretical blasphemies throughout this book, I’m quite tickled!” —God “Every print of this book should be burned for obscenity. I only wish there was a way to acquire all the copies without giving Dash MacIntyre any royalty money. I’d say ban the book nationally, except that banning books inevitably makes them more notable.” “It’s unbelievable how many sources The Halfway Post has collected who will talk so candidly and intimately about the deepest workings of our government. Literally unbelievable.” “Dash MacIntyre is almost certainly America’s premier satirist of white supremacist semen jokes.” “This is the book President Trump does not want you to read! I would not be surprised if he sues the author for $5 billion in frivolously alleged damages to the Trump brand, only to drop the lawsuit when it eventually comes time for a depositional inquiry into the President’s personal records and finances for fact- gathering in service of dethroning the claims made in this assemblage.” “The most true book you’ll ever read. Also, the most filled with lies.” “I can’t wait until a bunch of radical SJWs addicted to the cheap high of mindless persecution outlaw a bunch of the words and phrases used in this anthology so the radical Left turns on Dash MacIntyre, as credentially liberal-minded as he is, and call him worse than Hitler as they roll out the guillotine and chop off his head!” “These puckish headline fibs and farces of US politics in the MAGA Trump Era capture the spirit of a once peerless democracy buckling and threatening to collapse under the weight of an ethno-nationalist movement’s fondness for demagogic, cultural narcissism; unpatriotic conceptions of discriminatory citizenship; and militantly willful foolishness from proud ignoramuses exhilarated by professing undeservedly that all opinions are equal, and that any inconvenient expertise from esteemed authorities must be a hoax. Amusing, though occasionally unnecessarily distasteful.” “Your book is a total piece of s***, you communist a**hole. Don’t walk across the street in front of my car. You will not like the results of the sudden brake failure and throttle-sticking issues my car will have.” —The Halfway Post’s #1 Fan “Magnificent commentaries… Superb pieces that reconfigure our society’s distinctive cultural power dynamics, and offer a tour de force burlesque of the excesses in our modern populist aesthetics haunted electorally by competing generational angsts dominated by intersectional, Millennial cosmopolitanism on the Left and dominance- oriented, Baby Boomer nativism on the Right… Astute observations on the absurd politics of America in the late 2010s sprinkled with inescapably prudent judgments on late-stage capitalism’s egregiously corporatist futility exploiting the last halcyon vestiges of the mid-20th Century New Deal’s idealistic federalism, the evident manipulation of economic fragility into white supremacist rage, and their juxtaposition against a political rebellion of neo-marxist humanism rooted in a burgeoning digital revolution of deconstructive, neo-Jacobin identity politics… wait, which book am I reviewing again?” “The Halfway Post employs such an erudite, sophisticated vocabulary for its saucy descriptions of objects that have allegedly been up Rudy Giuliani’s butthole.” Satire In The Trump Years The Best Of The Halfway Post Dash MacIntyre This is a work of satirical fiction. All characterizations, quotes, and the situations in which public figures, companies, and organizations are described as participating in this book are entirely made up. Any mention, description, or resemblance of public persons, living or dead, or corporate entities is intended solely as parody, spoof, and caricature of such persons and entities, and is not intended to communicate any true or factual information about them, no matter how unintentionally accurate or believable these comedic caricatures might be. Any other use of real names or events is accidental and coincidental. Mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities in this book neither implies endorsement by the author or publisher, nor implies that they endorse any aspect of this book or approve of its occasionally sophomoric sense of humor. Copyright © 2021 by Dash MacIntyre All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission of the publisher, except in the case of noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, contact The Halfway Post. Published by The Halfway Post, LLC www.HalfwayPost.com Printed in the United States of America St. Louis, MO, USA First edition Book design, cover, and illustration by Dash MacIntyre Library of Congress Control Number: 2021902586 Publisher’s Cataloging-In-Publication Data Names: MacIntyre, Dash, author. Title: Satire in the Trump years : the best of the Halfway Post / Dash MacIntyre. Description: St. Louis, MO, USA : The Halfway Post, [2021] | Summary: A best-of collection of comedic, satirical news articles written for the author's website, HalfwayPost.com. Identifiers: ISBN 9781736581902 (paperback) | ISBN 9781736581926 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Trump, Donald, 1946---Humor. | Presidents--United States--History--21st century--Humor. | United States--Politics and government--2017---Humor. | Right and left (Political science)--United States--History--21st century--Humor. | Political satire, American. | LCGFT: Humor. Classification: LCC PS3613.A272542 S28 2021 (print) | LCC PS3613.A272542 (ebook) | DDC 817/.6--dc23 ISBN: 978-1-7365819-0-2 (Paperback) ISBN: 978-1-7365819-2-6 (Ebook) For more information, address: [email protected] Contents 1. Bombshell: Donald Trump’s Russian Sex Tape Has No Women, Just Big Macs 2. Nikki Haley Is Being Bullied At The UN By A “Mean Girls” Clique of NATO Countries 3. North Carolina’s GOP Legislature Passed A Law Requiring Wives To “Put Out” At Least 3 Times A Week 4. Trump Claims He Beat Barack Obama In A Game Of Basketball During Their 2016 Transition Meetings 5. Tomi Lahren Came Out On Fox News, Says She Self-Identifies As A Baby Boomer 6. God Admits Humans Aren’t In His Top 10 All-Time Favorite Creations 7. NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre Accidentally Shot Himself While Juggling Loaded Guns To Prove They’re Safe 8. Trump Says His Favorite Bible Story Was When Jesus Built The Ark 9. Shocking Birth Certificate Discovery Sheds New Light On Donald Trump’s Orangutan Ancestry 10. Donald Trump Claimed His Thigh Gap Is Bigger Than Ivanka’s 11. Betsy DeVos Congratulates Run-Down Elementary School With Tainted Water And No Heating For Their Effort 12. Biologists Named A New Howler Monkey Species That Pee On Each Other After Donald Trump 13. New Christian Toy Trend: “Fetus Dolls” 14. Breitbart News Gets Drunk, And In A Self-Pitying Rant Admits It Sucks 15. Neo-Nazi Richard Spencer Calls For Rally Protesting The Inability To Play As Nazis In “Call Of Duty” Video Games 16. Alex Jones Is Concerned He Himself May Be A Government False Flag Plant 18. White House Chef Resigns, Is Writing A Tell-All Book About Trump’s Eating Habits 20. America Should Remember That Donald Trump Was Born In A Time Of Widespread Lead-Based Paint Use 21. White Supremacists Are Collecting Jars Of Each Other's Semen To “Preserve The White Race” 22. Anti-Gay Republican Senator: “The Gays Tricked Me Into Forcing My Mistress To Get An Abortion!” 24. God Is Reportedly Pissed Climate Change Deniers “Can’t Take A F***ing Hint” 25. Poem: “Megyn Kelly’s Wherever” 26. “Jesus Was White” Say Evangelicals Who Do Not Understand Geography, History Or Genetics 27. Stephen Miller Keeps A Terrarium Of Pet Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches In The White House 28. Residents In Washington D.C. Spent $6 Million On Mace Spray Anticipating A Roy Moore Senate Win 29. A Local Hacker Says Ted Cruz’s Browser History Is “Really F’ed Up” 30. Trump Says Obama “Gutted The Military,” But He Has Rebuilt It “Like Never Before” 31. Georgia’s New Gerrymandered Map Put All Black Residents In One District 32. Senate Republicans Just Unveiled A National “Thoughts And Prayers” Hotline They Promise Will Stop All Mass Shootings 33. More Trump Administration Headlines 35. Fox News Promises Every Male Worker A $10,000 Bonus If They Don’t Sexually Harass Tomi Lahren 36. The NRA Postpones New “Training Wheels AR-15” Product Line Designed For Kids Aged 3 And Up 37. Conservatives Across America Threaten To Become Gun Nuts If People Keep Calling Them Gun Nuts 38. Paul Ryan Won An Oscar For “Best Supporting Actor” For His Notable Silence On All Of Trump’s Crimes 39.