what to say and what not to... page 7 Published Since 1987 October 15, 2010 THE NOOB ISSUE A Tufts Student Publication BRITISH PETROLEUM sPREADS DEMOCRACY INSIDE THIS ISSUE: PAGE 4 Israeli-Palestinian PALIN'S TV SHOW! peace talks become a Page 10 bit "Frigid"... page 3 Sheep for Brick? Any- one? Come on!... Page 9 Get rid of all those damn kids... page 12 A Word from the Editor Well, folks, it' a brand new year, and for those of us who start this semester as old senior fogeys, with its advent come rushing back the memories of our entire college experience like October 15, 2010 Vol.XXI No.6 last night's Canadian Club up our gullets. Editor-in-Chief But with every generation that turns old, there arrives on its heels a new wave of fresh- Ryan "Jarritos" Oliveira men, ready to be easily corrupted! In their honor, we dedicate our first issue of the year to the these young'uns - and oh boy, do we have quite the sendoff for you! Hats will be waved, Managing Editors confetti thrown, and a chorus of trumpets will herald your arrival to college, the promised land Ian "Orange Crush" Donovan where honey flows like water! Well, actually, due to budget issues, we've had to cut the hats, Daniel "Bilz y Pap" Testa confetti trumpets, and honey, but we still have a great issue for you folks. Need advice on what to do and what not to do as a freshman? Our reporters have made a list just for you! Keep Editors-at-Large reading and you might even find a headsup on new buildings, new classes, and new babies! Emma "Moxie" Goldstein We are also pleased to announce a new Zamboni Infographic center on our back inside cover. Nathaniel "Big Red" Gilmore You know it's science because it has the graphs and everything. Matthew "Fanta Grape" McGowen Finally, we'd like to thank last year's staff for all their hard work and apologize for their untimely demise in the Sarlacc after we mistakenly vibro-axed their jetpacks. Bon voyage! Staff Tyler "Mr. Pibb" Corey Ain't that a kick in the head? Sam "Sprite Remix" Friedensohn Andrew "Diet Pepsi" Lang Laura "Mountain Dew" Rathsmill Andrew "Sierra Mist" Reisman Dean "Dr. Pepper" Shakked Jon "Bawls" Wooldridge Angry Stare Baby Says... Editors Emeritus Francis "Squirt" Dahl Come to the Zamboni! Matthew "Nehi" Luz Michael "New Coke" Schecht Tuesdays at 9 pm Devin "A&W" Toohey Campus Center Room 219 Steph "Canada Dry" Vallejo And we're online! Michael "Sam's Choice" Yarsky Google or Wikipedia "Tufts Zamboni" for extra fun! Like us on the Facebooks! Email us at [email protected] Submissions welcome! Disclaimer and Editorial Policy: The Zamboni is a student-run humor and satire publication of Tufts University. In no way do the views expressed herein necessarily reflect those of Tufts University, or even the editors. So, don't go e-mailing the people listed in the staff box, especially since we make some of the names up. All material is meant to be viewed as humorous and should not be taken seriously, but keep in mind, we still love a good Viewpoints face-off. We accept any and all submissions from Tufts students, but we will not take radiation levels above 100 rems (the Donovan Clause). Submissions to The Zamboni are screened by the Editor-in-Chief and/or the Editorial Staff. Decisions are made on the completely subjective grounds of their humor content, but if you're a legacy, we have to take you (the Oliveira Clause). October 15, 2010 The Zamboni Page 1 News Presented by Coca-Cola Corp Drunken Make-Outs Increase by 17% at This Year’s Fall Ball By Laura Rathsmill The TEA (Tufts Exhibitionist Alliance) blames the results on Results from this year’s post-Fall the new dorm “no-sex” policy, Ball survey on student behav- which forbids the old in-out in- ior frazzled many members of out while roommates are present. the Tufts community. The data The group claims that campus found that instances of dance exhibitionists are being forced to attendees face-sucking while take their trashed tongue tack- “hooched up” rose by 17% from ling to the dance floor, since they can no longer find an audience in their roommates. The group’s Survey shows that president, who requested that 1 in every 5 only his Craigslist username, “Frederogenous,” be published, students report getting is unconcerned: “It’s actually “tight” and “hooking-up” better this way—one thousand at dance Good clean fun continued its downward trend from its 1950's high point. viewers is much hotter than the presence of the Tufts Univer- increase in sloshed hanky-panky. one.” sity Police Department for the The surveyors speculate that sep- The survey also found that last year’s levels. “Clearly the express purpose of limiting this aration-anxiety over President reported incidents of “freak- new freshmen like it sloppy,” year’s drunken canoodling. Larry Bacow’s final year serving ing” and “getting all up in that” one surveyor commented grimly. In a recent meeting of OCL, Tufts and stress over the dining increased by 25%, while“dance- The Office for Campus Life many members cited global halls’ new trayless initiative have floor hand-jobs” dropped by 6%, (OCL) and the Programming warming and excitement over created a sense of desperation confounding the survey staff. Board were surprised at the find- the upcoming midterm elections in the student body, resulting in ings, given that they stepped up as major factors in this year’s more intoxicated “hook-ups.” TISCH MASTURBATOR REMAINS IN RACE, NO CHALK VIOLATIONS By Daniel Testa anywhere he shouldn’t have, all about.” the cut-off. However, ECOM of- The Tufts elections com- so his case was pretty strong,” ECOM also ruled that the ficials decided that “while based missions issued a series of an- explained judicial advocate Jes- dis-incorporated spirit of Jumbo on wages alone, the conversion nouncements that are sure to sica Dowbins. Supporters were could not run for office. The of dollars to souls is below the shake up the ongoing search for ecstatic to hear that their hero main issue was a question of limit. However, importing the a new university president. was still being allowed to run. whether or not the cost in hu- said souls would add so many First, the Tisch Masturbator Explained one ardent fan: “Ev- man souls to summon Jumbo fees and charges that it would be has been allowed to remain in eryone has a voice: homosexu- from the netherworld exceeded too expensive.” contention after the commis- als, heterosexuals, transsexuals, the $2,000 cap on campaign When asked for comment on sion found that exposing himself everyone but the autosexual who spending. Supporters argued that the developments in the search to others did not constitute a doesn’t want anyone else. I like based on the wages of workers for his replacements, President violation of the rules governing taking care of business on my in China and Mexico, the cost of Bacow appeared confused and advertising. “He didn’t chalk own, and that is what this man is a summoning would fall below declined to answer. Page 2 The Zamboni October 15, 2010 News All the stuff you didn't think we'd print. Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor Detained in Arizona By TYLER COREY kept thinking, ‘Isn’t that the Supreme Court Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor Justice?’ I mean, she kept shouting that was arrested today in Pirtleville, Arizona, anyway. I figured that somebody in the po- after local police suspected her of being an lice department would have recognized her, illegal immigrant. Justice Sotomayor, in or at least done a Google image search.” fact a legal citizen of the United States, had The next morning, fellow Supreme Court been walking down the street after enjoying Justice Clarence Thomas, who had been a quiet brunch in the small town when she dining with Sotomayor the day before, was accosted by two armed police officers. stopped by the precinct to place a missing The officers demanded that Sotomayor persons report. Upon entering, Thomas present her documentation of citizenship, spotted Sotomayor, looking disheveled and as required by the current Arizona state disillusioned, sitting in the corner of her Hey, I'd be pissed too. immigration law. Justice Sotomayor, who cell. Justice Thomas immediately bailed Social and political scientists predict that at first thought the situation was an ironic out his partner in law, and the two returned this debacle will be the final nail in the coffin demonstration against the law, laughed and to Supreme Court Headquarters. for Arizona’s immigration law, and effectively continued walking. The police officers then The Pirtleville Police Department is prevent any future legislation of the sort. In drew their weapons on the Supreme Court currently facing severe criticism and pub- her first public statement regarding the inci- Justice, threatening to shoot if she did not lic outcry regarding the incident. When dent, Justice Sotomayor stated, “I have never cooperate. Justice Sotomayor immediately asked to explain his actions, Judd Rich- in my life been witness to such a dearth of submitted and was incarcerated. ards, one of the police officers that ar- humanity. I have known of and admonished Justice Sotomayor spent that night in rested Sotomaor, said, “That’s just the way Arizona’s wretched immigration law, deeming jail, prohibited from making phone calls the law works around here. We figured it nothing more than glorified racial profiling.