SCIENCE JOKES Version 7.31.7 Time-stamp: "August 24, 2002" Science jokes collected by Joachim Verhagen ([email protected]) Includes collection by Lars Olofsson ([email protected]) of April 1994 Includes math jokes collection by Michael Cook ([email protected]) of June 1994 Includes collection by Chris Bradfield ([email protected]) of October 1994 Includes collection by Richard D. LeBreton ([email protected]) of Februari 1995 Includes collection by Philip Clarke <[email protected]> of 1998 Includes part of Nathan Mates's Humor Archives of 1999 Codes for subjects: M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering A computer science. * New entry since last time posted (June 30, 2002) & Changed entry since last time posted "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused." This is a collection of more than 2000 scientific jokes from Usenet, or mailed or told to me. You are free to read and use them on the net or in conversation. Please keep the original author and sender when you use them; mentioning this list is optional. The latest version is available from FTP and WWW: WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/ WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/sjhtml.zip (html-format, about 1M) WWW: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/scijokes.zip (ASCII format, about 900k) FTP: ftp://ftp.in.umist.ac.uk/pub/Text/scijokes.zip (about 900k) Send comments and contributions (especially contributions) to: [email protected] (Joachim Verhagen). If you have a science humor webpage you can add it to the science humor webring at http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scihum/webring.html . CONTENTS =1. mathematics =1.1 proofs =1.2 statistics and statisticians =1.3 mathematicians =1.4 mathematics poetry =1.5 mathematics quotes =1.6 mathematic puns =1.7 mathematical terms =1.8 mathematical exams =1.9 learning mathematics =1.10 mathematical tests to take =1.11 mathematical equations =1.12 topology =1.13 numbers =1.14 set theory =1.15 functions =2. physics =2.1 physics poetry =2.2 physics quotes =2.3 physics puns =2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics) =2.5 new physical theories =2.6 learning physics =2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots) =2.8 physical proofs =2.9 physical one-liners =2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!) =2.11 relativity =2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer =2.13 physicists =2.14 astronomy =2.15 electrons =2.16 electro-magnetism and light =2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics =2.18 thermodynamics =2.19 in the lab =2.20 strange but real findings =2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem =3. chemistry =3.1 chemistry poetry =3.2 chemistry quotes =3.3 chemical puns =3.4 in the lab =3.5 chemical dictionary =3.6 chemists =3.7 elements =3.8 H20 =4. biology =4.1 biology poetry =4.2 biology quotes =4.3 biology puns =4.4 cloning =4.5 biochemistry =4.6 evolution =4.7 mice and rats =4.8 cell biology =4.9 bacteria =5. earth sciences =6. the mathematician, the physicist and the engineer (and others) =6.1 the locked room and the tin can =6.2 fire =7. combined sciences =7.1 combined sciences poetry =7.2 compare scientists (using lions, elephants, primes etc.) =7.3 remarkable scientific sayings from school children and students =8. academic life =8.1 rules for research =8.2 rules for writing an article =8.3 academic life poetry =8.4 research quotes =8.5 publish and explanation quotes =8.6 In the classroom =8.7 graduate students =8.8 exams =8.9 love life =9. miscellany =9.1 poetry =9.2 Einstein quotes =9.3 other quotes =9.4 terms and definitions =9.5 The Nerd test and other tests. =9.6 Murphy's law =9.7 proof methods =10. anecdotes about famous scientists =11. mnemonics =11.1 mnemonics =11.2 mathematics =11.3 computer science =11.4 physics =11.5 chemistry =11.6 biology and medicine =11.7 earth sciences =11.8 miscellany =12. pranks and accidents =12.1 mathematics =12.2 burning metals =12.3 accidents =13. sources of science humor on and off the net =13.1 mathematics =13.2 physics =13.3 chemistry =13.4 biology and medicine =13.5 earth sciences =13.6 scientists Enjoy!!! -- Joachim Verhagen ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =1. MATHEMATICS M__________________________________________________________________________ From Susan Stepney ([email protected]) I always love the "Doc Smith" approach to mathematics, where Our Hero glances at an equation (sorry, "formula"), and instantly says "of course...!" My experience is usually more like "I don't know what on earth that means" ... scribble, scribble, scribble ... "Oh, yes, but what a weird way of writing it" ... scribble, scribble, scribble ... "now *this* should be a much clearer way" ... scribble, scribble, scribble ... "oh, it's identical to what I started with. But *now* I understand it." I can't *read* maths, I can only write it :-) A colleague of mine put it better: "mathematics is not a spectator sport". M__________________________________________________________________________ From the "Cow" collection at (Found in Michael Cook's ([email protected]) Canonical List of Math Jokes) (__) (oo) /---------\/ / | x=a(b)|| * ||------|| ^^ ^^ Mathematical Cow (developer of cow-culus) M__________________________________________________________________________ From: [email protected] (Judah Kelber) Advanced math Seen the week before finals on the chalkboard right after a Math 233 (Discrete Math) class at the University of Oregon: 59 + 34 + 2 + 37 + 97 = some number And here I thought math classes were hard.... M__________________________________________________________________________ From: "Ami=Friend" <[email protected]> prof : how much 7 x 24 = ? student : it's 168. prof : prove it. student: 16 + 8 = 24 prof : and 7 x 27 + ? student : 189 prove 18+9 = 27 prof : and 21 x 7 = ? student : 147 prove 14 + 7 = 21 prof: and 18 x 7 = ? student : 126 prove 12 + 6 = 18 etc.. M__________________________________________________________________________ From: RickT <[email protected]> Q: What happens when you don't divide one by anything? A: You divide one by nothing and get a divide by zero error. M__________________________________________________________________________ From: [email protected] (larry james) There really are only two types of people in the world, those that DON'T do MATH, and those that take care of them. M__________________________________________________________________________ From: [email protected] From: [email protected] (Henry G. Baker) from: Yucks Digest V7 #7 (shorts) Customer: "How much is a large order of Fibonaccos?" Cashier: "It's the price of a small order plus the price of a medium order." [Extra credit question: Which Fibonaccos size is the worst rip-off? [Extra credit answer: The smallest; it costs as much as the next larger size... -psl] M__________________________________________________________________________ From: "I.A. Paul" <[email protected]> When in the company of scientific/mathematical minds, I like to lighten the atmosphere by observing that I sneeze always in Fibonacci's Sequence. "The only problem is," I conclude, "when I sneeze only once, I'm never certain whether I'm sneezing in the first or second of the sequence. M__________________________________________________________________________ From: [email protected] (Xcott Craver) "Paper or plastic?" "Not 'Not paper AND not plastic!!'" -Augustus DeMorgan in a grocery store M__________________________________________________________________________ From: Anthony Peck <[email protected]> Q: Divide 14 sugar cubes into 3 cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes. A: 1,1,12 Riposte: 12 isn't odd! A: It's an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee (groan) From: Tord Kallqvist Romstad <[email protected]> This joke reminds me of an excercise actually given in the exam in a course on combinatorics and discrete mathematics here at the University of Oslo last year: Calculate the number of ways 30 identical objects can be distributed among 5 numbered containers with all containers nonempty in such a way that containers 1, 3 and 5 contains an odd number of objects, and containers 2 and 4 contains an even numbers. Incredible, isn't it? I later heard that the number 30 was a typo. It should have been an odd number. M__________________________________________________________________________ From: Mark David Biesiada <[email protected]> never say "N factorial", simply scream "N" at the top of your lungs. M__________________________________________________________________________ From: Volker Moell <[email protected]> a funny, but true story: a friend of mine (2.5 years hasn't heard anything about mathematics) saw in his first semester at university the following equation (taylor): f(0) f'(0) f(x) = ---- + ----- x + ... 0! 1! after reading the first ("0") he thought: "what's about the exclamation mark? oh, i see: you can't divide by zero. attention!" but after reading the second term ("1!") he wonders: "hey-oh, you *can* divide by one!! what's this?!" and after thinking a long time about the problem he comes to the real meaning... ;-) really, it's true!!! M__________________________________________________________________________ From: Ian Ellis <[email protected]> Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. M__________________________________________________________________________ Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences. M__________________________________________________________________________ From: Michael A. Stueben ([email protected]) Michael is a high school math/C.S. teacher, so he should know. Q:What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A:Answer: An American senior high school math problem. From: John <[email protected]> Q. Where did the answer, "six puppies", come from? A. The math teacher for these students. M_________________________________________________________________________ From: [email protected]: [email protected] (Rafy Marootians): Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion..