the undergraduate magazine of columbia university , e s t . 1 8 9 0 The Varsity Show April 2006 THE 112TH ANNUAL VARSITY SHOW “Misery Loves Columbia” April 28, 29, and 30 in Roone Arledge Auditorium a l s o : rehearsal minutes, a brief history of the varsity show PLAYBILL STAFF Editor Emeritus ZACHARY H. BENDINER Executive Editor MICHELLE S. LEGRO Editor-at-Large AVI Z. ZENILMAN Senior Editors BETHANY MILTON JOSIE D. SWINDLER TAYLOR WALSH C. MASON WELLS Artists JULIA BUTAREVA ELIZABETH FERGUSON JERONE HSU MATT FRANKS Contributors PHILLIPA L. AINSLEY PAUL B. BARNDT HECTOR R. CHAVEZ KATHY M. GILSINAN BRENDAN O. PIERSON MARC A. TRACY JAMES R. WILLIAMS Typographical Note The text of The Blue and White is set in Bodoni Old Face, which was revived by Günter Gerhard Lange based on original designs by Giambattista Bodoni of Parma (active 1765–1813). The display faces are Weiss and Cantoria. 2 The Blue and White THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. CXII THE VARSITY SHOW No. I 4 The Cast of Characters . For most of them, it’s complicated. 5 Scenes and Songs. .The places you won’t remember, the songs you will. 6 Cast and Crew. .It takes a village. Or in this case, a mid-size metropolis. 15 The Varsity Glossary. .So you won’t have to nudge your neighbor. 16 112 Years, 112 Shows (Almost) . .Because lists make it easy for both of us. 17 A Conversation with the Writers. .Highly entertaining chaos. 20 From the Writers’ Notebooks . Hatefuckers vs. lovemaking. 21 Rehearsal Minutes. .Who knew there’d be so much blood? 22 A Brief History of the Varsity Show. .Columbia’s only tradition. 24 Curio Varsitania. .He liked to hear the little typewriter bell go “ding.” 26 Rejected!. Plotlines so bad, we obviously made them up ourselves. 27 Varsity Gossip. An inhaler. A baby elephant. A fat lady on crutches. he Blue and White had been pouting in the corner, when we saw her across the room. A former lover. Graceful. Buxom. 112 years old. We had spent the springs of ’03 and ’04 together, whispering Bar- nard jokes to each other over a kosher Hewitt dinner. Yes, for those two golden years, The Blue and White was in charge of the Varsity Show playbill. Ah, love! But then the sweet, sweet creature known as the Varsity Show started to make eyes at that polychrome broadsheet Spectator. We had thought size didn’t matter, but with a heartfelt letter (and some soulful break-up sex) The Blue and White said a tearful goodbye and headed for our favorite gin joint. But as someone said at some point in time, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.” And so, months later, when our eyes locked across that crowded room, our estrangement with- ered as our loins quivered. This playbill is the fruit of that glorious reunion (and some bangin’ make-up sex). As we’ve learned, romantic relationships are unwieldy things. Like heavy groceries. Or large breasts. Of course, most Columbians don’t have to deal with such drama, because so few of us are actually in relationships. No, hook-up buddies from your freshman floor don’t count. Still, most students know the underpinnings of a relationship: heartache, drama, chafing. In short, relationships are rather, well, miserable. Or at least that’s what all of us not in relationships tell ourselves. It is in that vein that the sexually frustrated Varsity Show team presents “Misery Loves Columbia.” It’s sublimation at its finest. COVER : “ Friday Morning ” by Julia Butareva and Elizabeth Ferguson [email protected] www.theblueandwhite.org www.thevarsityshow.com Varsity 2006 3 Misery Loves Columbia Director . .Deanna Weiner Producer. .Grace Parra Producer. .Olivia Gorvy Writer. , Addison Anderson Writer. Chris Beam Composer/Lyricist. Cody Owen Stine Choreographer. .Erin Debold Art Director. Liz Vastola The Cast of Characters (in order of appearance) Trish, a girl with a secret. .NESSA NORICH Chas, a GS student of quality. MARK JUNEK Abby, his lovelorn sister in SEAS. CALLY ROBERTSON Judy, a mascot on a mission. BECKY ABRAMS Dylan-Justin St. James, a has-been child-star . KIERON CINDRIC Laura Riley, a reporter who can’t talk so good. CARLY HOOGENDYK Jeffery Sachs, a man with a plan. ZACHARY BENDINER Ethan, a fencer with a point to make. .PETER MENDE-SIEDLECKI Margaret Vandenburg, a Barnard professor. SARA FAY GOLDMAN CUpid, a metaphor with a frisbee. .NESSA NORICH The Stalker, a man of mystery. ZACHARY BENDINER The Chorus Thomas Anawalt (Hobo), Caley Bulinski (Dream Ballet), Alyssa DeSocio, Noam Harary (Bear), Missy Hernandez (Dream Ballet), Tom Keenan (Wine Guy), Michael Leibring (Bulldog), Bess Miller, Kendra Ann Moore (AIMette), Marissa Palley (Dream Ballet), Kate Smith (Waitress), Will Snider (Barnard Joke Jerry). 4 The Blue and White Illustrations by Julia Butareva Act I Prologue “FRIDAY MORNING” Scene 1 On 114th Street “OVERCOMMITTED” Scene 2 In Ruggles “I’LL KNOW THOSE HANDS” Scene 3 In McIntosh “SOUTHERN COMFORT’ Scene 4 On 114th Street THE STALKER TANGO Scene 5 On the roof of Woodbridge CHAS’ DREAM BALLET Scene 6 Outside Ruggles “THE THINGS I WANT TO DO TO YOU” “EASY, STEVE” / ”NOT ME” Scene 7 In various eateries around campus “SETTLE FOR LESS” Scene 8 In Roone Arledge Auditorium “ ‘CAUSE I’M A STAR” ACT I FINALE Act II Scene 1 In cyberspace “READY, AIM” Scene 2 In the Butler stacks Scene 3 At the Earth Institute Scene 4 In Duane Reade “DUANE READE” Scene 5 In Ruggles “I’LL KNOW THOSE HANDS (REPRISE)” Scene 6 On 114th Street “SORRY, STEVE”/ THE RUMBLE Scene 7 At Columbia Cottage “MISERY LOVES COLUMBIA” Varsity 2006 5 The Cast and Crew ou might not know the following figures—no, that’s not true. You’ve probably seen them everywhere. YThese are the people that you think you know, because they’re some of the most entertaining people at Columbia. They’re like celebrities. Really, really easygoing (and easy to stalk!) celebrities. Go ahead, say hello, and creep them out with how much you know about them! ally existed. He wears deliberate anachronism Becky like a thrift-store suit, knows it, and knows you Abrams know he knows it. Still, like his charmingly short dress slacks, it works. “There is nothing a woman Becky Abrams, C’08, finds more attractive than art history,” he once is about to do her sig- told me. It’s a sign of elegance but not preten- nature look, “America’s sion. As a sophomore, he briefly dated his Art Sweetheart.” She starts Hum teacher. He first smoked a pipe at age 6. My out a little pissy, a little grandmother thinks he is “gorgeous.” These are pouty, and then her not surprising revelations. The Blue and White staff face lights up for the and his Carman residents find him “mad weird,” cameras as she throws yet revere him with cultish zeal. This populist her head back with appeal may stem from a childhood immersed a little laugh, and rolls her eyes ever so slightly in both French poetry and Miller beer. There’s back into her head in the way only celebrities can. no hipster irony involved: Zach may love frivol- It’s a complicated piece for sure, though no more ity, but he hates kitsch. He’s old school. —AZZ complicated than other physical tics that she’s bestowed titles on, such as “Make ‘em Laugh,” a Kieron Gene Kelly slide that ends in a mouth fart. Have Cindric no doubt, there is method to her madness. “I have to do the looks to other people in order “My life is kind of for it to count, it can’t just be me looking into a a musical,” says mirror being weird,” she says in a half-soothing, Kieron Cindric, C’08, half-cutting voice particular to comediennes. That explaining his habit of voice has served her well as both a grade-school ad-libbing Broadway- Charlotte (of Web fame) and as a perfect vehicle style numbers as he for quoting ’80s films with impunity. She calls goes about his daily this next look “Dirty Dancing I Love You.” —MSL life. As a member of his rural Ohio high Zachary school swim team, Bendiner his improvised cheers impressed the girls from a rival school so much that when he returned the next year, his starting block was covered When Zachary Hays with personalized decorations. It wasn’t the last Bendiner, C’06, spent time his spontaneity would win over an audi- a semester in Cairo, ence. Later in high school, he gravitated toward his dad gave him a musicals, a passion that he brought with him to fake mustache to fit Columbia. Since arriving at school, he’s devoted in. It looked good on himself to seeing as many musicals as possible, him. Zach is here to and studying French and art history. “I love to save the day, even if look at pretty pictures!” Never one for restraint, he said day never actu- doesn’t just act in musicals—he lives them. —BOP 6 The Blue and White T H E PEOPLE a teddy bear, has a profound respect for Walt Sara Fay Disney, and gets really sentimental about fire- Goldman works. —KMG Where have you Mark seen Sara Fay, B’07, Junek before? Maybe you haven’t seen her face, but perhaps you’ve When he was 12 seen her naked pos- years old, Mark terior. “I don’t mind,” Junek, C’07, made a Sara says of her bare- darkroom in his sis- ass facebook profile, ter’s closet. But the “as long as there’s enlarger was broken, anonymity, that strangers won’t be able to pick me so the photos ended out in a crowd.