The Guild Season 2 by Felicia Day FADE IN: INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Codex yells off camera at Zaboo. CODEX No! Do not unpack my underwear! I will do it, Zaboo! ZABOO (O.C.) Not being pervy, just doing inventory! CODEX (into webcam) Who knew? Somehow “you break it you bought it” applies to humans too. Zaboo’s still here. Which, ironically came in handy today with all the moving stuff. Yeah, turns out his mom is a Real Estate Lawyer. With a grudge, so...she got me evicted! Yeah, it’s been a great weekend. What am I supposed to do? He has nowhere to go, he’s got no money and bottom line...the Guild needs him for raid DPS. (BEAT) Worst. Loot. Ever. (BEAT) OW! INT. CLARA’S OFFICE - DAY CLARA is at her computer with a children’s book propped over the keyboard. She splits her attention between the book and the screen. Her KIDS stand on the other side of the kid gate. CLARA Once upon a time, the baby little chicken went to his Mommy and said, “Mommy...HIS SHIELDS ARE DOWN! NUKE HIS FACE OFF!” And uh...the mom, she said,”CLUCK... CLUCK CLUCK I’M DYING!!!” 2. INT. VARIOUS BEDROOMS/OFFICES - CONTINUOUS TINKERBALLA Bladezz get your stupid character off me! Fight somewhere else! Bladezz smirks in his own room. Zaboo, laptop propped on his lap, leans over and points out something on Codex’s screen. ZABOO Dude, dude, you need to use Mass Healing Prayer instead of spot healing us like that. Obvious’d. CODEX Zaboo! I told you to play in the kitchen! ZABOO I can’t! I’m cookin’ brisket in there! CODEX How does that prevent you from playing in there? ZABOO It’s...it reeks of brisket. So it’s hard to focus. INT. VORK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Vork looks back and forth between the screen and a portable deep fryer that is on the desk next to him. There’s black steam coming from it. He yells into his mic. VORK Codex! Zaboo! You’re letting this illicit cohabitation affect your combat performance! Take him down! I’m about to ruin 72 cents worth of tater tots! CODEX (yells into mic) We are not living together! I just moved and he just accompanied me! Smiting! 3. INT. VARIOUS BEDROOMS/OFFICES - CONTINUOUS Bladezz clicks the mouse decisively. BLADEZZ Boom! Kill shot! 4k Crit! Everyone celebrates the kill, except Vork, who’s fishing blackened tater tots from his deep fryer. TINKERBALLA Measure your peen later. Link the loot, Vork. Let’s go. BLADEZZ Tink, your face is so sweet and your tongue is so sour. You know, I got some pork you can spread that sauce on... VORK Bladezz!! Vork is peeling tatertots. He clicks his mouse. VORK (CONT’D) Here’s the loot...Holy guacamole. Everyone leans into their screen and looks closely. CLARA (throws her kid’s book) Oh my God! It’s the Orb of Nurr! Yes! YES! TINKERBALLA Now this just got interesting. CODEX That’s the orb that starts the new quest line, right?! CLARA Uh huh! And once you activate it, the orb lets you change your hair style and hair color anytime! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! ZABOO There’s a 3% drop rate. Just a vanity item, though. 4. TINKERBALLA Hell yeah it is! And I want it! BLADEZZ I’m with Zaboo on this one. I’m saving up for an item that won’t shrivel my scrotum. INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS CODEX (into mic) You guys, I can’t bid! I spent all my points last week on my new staff. TINKERBALLA (O.S.) You mean Zaboo? ZABOO I’ll get an orb for you! I’ll play all night if I have to! Adorb’d. CODEX (turns to Zaboo) That’s nice, but why don’t you get online and find a job? Or a place to live? Not here? ZABOO Well, I did go online. I found us a new couch! It’s really comfortable. God you’re moody. (BEAT) I bet you’re ovulating right now. INT. VARIOUS BEDROOMS/OFFICES - CONTINUOUS VORK Taking bids on the Orb of Nurr! Vork eats his tater tot innards with a plastic fork, dipping them into a giant Costco vat o’ ketchup. Tink types something into her computer and hits enter. TINKERBALLA Ok! I’m gonna do pink ponytails first... 5. CLARA (into mic) Wait, wait! I gotta see how many points I have left! Clara searches for a piece of paper in the chaos around her. GEORGE (O.S.) Honey? Honey? INT. CLARA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS GEORGE BEANE, 35 and weakly average, stands on the other side of the baby gate holding one of the kids. GEORGE Sorry to bother you sweetie, but what should I be packing for the trip? CLARA (searching, distracted) What? GEORGE You know, the trip? To Vermont? Tomorrow? (BEAT) Your sister’s wedding? CLARA The wedding...right...trip. Well, you know, whatever we usually pack: Like uh, stuff to feed them, stuff to wipe up poop, toys... TINKERBALLA (O.S.) That orb is mine, Clara! CLARA (into mic) Watch it girlie or I’ll cut your pretty little face! INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Zaboo points at a wallet-sized card as Codex looks on. ZABOO Yup. You’re totally ovulating right now. (MORE) 6. ZABOO (CONT'D) You’re actually really fertile...like the banks of the Ganges River. CODEX You...laminated my cycle. ZABOO Kinko’d. Look, bottom line, for the price of rent, I could get a T1 line installed! For us to use. Together. CODEX We’re not together! How many times do I have to tell you...wait? A T1 line? INT. CLARA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS VORK (O.S.) Where are those bids?! I HAVE MY POLICIES! 30 SECONDS! I MEAN THIS IS, YOU KNOW, THIS IS...SERIOUS! Guys? Clara is still searching frantically. CLARA (into mic) Wait! I had my points on a blue Post-It! Damn it!! GEORGE Honey, do you want me to help you find something? George set down the baby and reaches down and opens the gate to enter the office. Clara turns her head in horror. CLARA Nooo! Babies flood into her office (stampede sound effects). INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS CODEX A T1 line? 7. ZABOO Yeah. Fiber optic cables. 1.544 megabits per second... Zaboo moves towards Codex. CODEX (hypnotized) A T1. That’s...so fast. INT. CLARA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Slow-motion chaos. Babies are eating cords and breaking computer equipment, laughing creepily. Clara flails around trying to protect the equipment. INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Zaboo and Codex are face to face. ZABOO ...99.8% uptime...we could download every unicorn movie ever made in approximately 2.8 minutes...maybe 2.6... Zaboo moves in on Codex, who looks hypnotized. INT. CLARA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Out of the corner of her eye, Clara sees a baby yank the DSL cord out of the wall. CLARA Noooooo! INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Zaboo moves in on Codex, who looks hypnotized. INT. CLARA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Clara is shoved under her little desk, covered in babies. Slow motion trying to get the DSL plug back in the wall... 8. INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Zaboo leans closer into Codex...a near kiss... FADE OUT: TTILE CARD: TO BE CONTINUED... 9. FADE IN: INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - NIGHT CODEX There was this Robert Frost poem I had to learn in college, something about two roads and...I forget. Ok, bad analogy. Anyway, there was a moment when Zaboo’s face was like this... Codex leans really close into the camera and makes a goofy kissing face. CODEX (CONT’D) ...and I totally froze because I knew that what happened next could quite possibly be a horrible, horrible mistake. Like in those choose-your-own-adventure books. I always picked the ending where I died or got somebody killed. It was just like, so stressful. This was exactly like that, except lips were involved. (BEAT) I need to look up that poem. INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Codex and Zaboo are inches away from each other, moving together in slow motion. ZABOO (sexy whisper) Zero latency.... Zaboo’s tongue slips out of his mouth in slow motion... INT. CLARA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Clara, hair askew, finally gets the plug back into the wall. Vork’s voice comes over the speakers. VORK (O.S.) Tink wins the orb. 10. INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS CLARA (O.S.) AUUUUUGH!!! Clara’s primal scream breaks the moment. Codex jerks away from Zaboo, whose face and tongue keep following her. INT. CLARA’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Clara turns to her family and screams like an animal. George and the kids slowly back away. GEORGE Kids, let’s go play in the nursery. Mommy needs a moment. INT. CODEX’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS CODEX (leans into the mic) What’s wrong, Clara?! Are you in labor again? Zaboo bounces up from the bed, frustrated. ZABOO Ungh, Block’d! I’ve got perpetual Smurf balls down here! INT. VARIOUS BEDROOMS/OFFICES - CONTINUOUS CLARA I didn’t get to bid! Vork the DORK gave the orb to Stinkyballa! BLADEZZ Ooh, meowz time. VORK I awarded the orb to the highest bidder within the time limit, per Guild rule #24 Paragraph 3 Section A! Tink leans into the mic, looking smug. 11. TINKERBALLA Yeah, for once Vork’s anal- retentive bullshit is worth something. VORK Why thank you, Tink. INT.