Vol. I No. 4 East Lansing, Michigan, January 27, 1966 10 cents • St. Bernard Rescues Paper By DON SOCKOL After deciding to write a column for "I liked that picture and they "The Paper" I immediately began wouldn't print it/' I sobbed. picking my brain for ideas. "But I thought! you came to 'The Somehow they just didn't seem to Paper' to find an outlet for mean­ come. ingful social commentary that . ." So editor Mike Kindman suggested "That was a great picture and it I simply give students the reasons I was my idea and other people liked left the State News and began writing it so I know I'm not wrong an' . " for "The Paper." "But your writing . ." He was also quite helpful in aiding "I don't care about writing. I don't me to formulate my thoughts on the like writing. I don't even care if I subject. never write. I want my picture with "Just tell them, in a funny way/' the St. Bernard and the hat. I . ." he said, "how the State News was "Then why 'The Paper'?" Mike stifling your creativity/* softened. "We can't afford to print "They were?" the picture." "Sure they were," he insisted. "I know," I said, "but I don't care "Tell them that any time you at­ cause now I don't care if I ever see tempted serious social criticism that stupid St. Bernard in a hat cause Wells wouldn't print it." it's a stupid picture and I wouldn't "Did I? Wouldn't he?" I asked, taken let anybody print it even if they want­ back. ed to and I just want to get back at "Sure," Mike assured me. "What that stupid State News and stupid about that column they killed in Oc­ Chuck Wells and the stupid AP and tober?" UPI wires and typewriters and stupid "Well, it did save me a libel suit." people who work up there . ." tt What about those violent argu­ "Oh, good lord." ments you and Wells used to have?" "I'll show them," I went on, deter­ "You mean the time he caught me minedly. swiping the typewriter?" "So young, so tired, so beaten by "Well, then—why did you quit?" the system," Mike shook his head Mike shouted, exasperated. slowly. Mike sighed sadly and walked away. "CAUSE THEY WOULDN'T PRINT "HA HA ... HA HA, I DON'T "I'LL SHOW THEM. THEY'LL THE PICTURE OF THE ST. BER­ HAVE TO WRITE FOR THEM— SEE. HA HA . ." NARD WITH THE HAT ON ANY­ THERE ARE OTHERS ... HA HA And I ranted and raved into the night 99 MORE!" I screamed, almost in tears. B • • "I liked that picture," I whined. "That's the reason?" Mike said quitely. Hell Week, As Usual By LAURENCE TATE 000 to contestants who return to the ABC network, a new dance has been show for several weeks, accomplish­ kicked off in the discotheques called The Decline of the West continued ing a more difficult physical feat the Batusi. The article goes on to de­ unabated last week. From a variety each time. To get you started, we tail the rash of songs about Batman of sources, we have compiled a list suggest that the fifty-grand in sky now hitting the market, and ends om­ of the week's more spectacular gaf­ diving (one of the stunts actually under inously with the comment, "A 'Sup­ fes, in the certainty that if we just consideration) be given to contestants erman' song cycle is believed to be tell people about all the dumb things willing to bail out at 40,000 feet waiting in the wings." they're doing, they'll stop. hanging on to a wet Kleenex. (If this * * * To begin with: turns into a new party game, re­ Earn - While - You- Learn Depart­ After the reams of publicity the member you saw it here first.) ment: Explaining the rather spectac­ government gave out about Hubert * * * ular hangups in rubbish collection at Humphrey's sagging public image, Oops: Just off the coast of Spain, certain off-campus apartments, East it sent him to the Far East, care­ the U.S. government lost an A-bomb. Lansing City Manager John Patri- VU VAN THAI, SOUTH VIETNA­ fully nudging the public to the effect At last report, the search was con­ arche said, "These student apart­ MESE AMBASSADOR TO THE UNIT­ ED STATES, SPOKE AT THE KIVA that this was strictly an image- tinuing, and (the AP notes), "Villag­ ments were all built in the last few SUNDAY NIGHT. raising trip. According to recent re­ ers in the area apparently had calm­ years. The problem is a little new to ports, the public now says it has a ed down." Ah, the Spanish! Imper­ us and we haven't learned how to better image of Humphrey. Does any­ turbable, as always. manage it." The State News reports body else find this frightening? * * * that Patriarche "did not expect a * * * THIS week's John-Wayne- Men's- quick solution." The Dear - Hearts - And - Gentle- Apple-Pie-God-Country-And-Gener­ People Award goes to an anonymous al-Motors Award goes to Shirley * * * little old lady at the Sunday night Lacy, socially conscious poet, for her Headline on a story which is simply speech of Vu Van Thai, South Viet­ courageous unmasking in verse of the too depressing to go into: "Saigon namese ambassador to the U.S. Amid International Communist Conspiracy, Propaganda War Enlists Astrology, the angry stream of lecture-goers MSU style: Song." who grumbled in disgust at the "id­ "There once was a Keleher named * * * iots" demonstrating outside, she Brian Sellout of the Week: Roman Po- cocked her ear as the protesters be­ "'End The War at all cost/ he lanski, director of "Repulsion," has gan to sing "We Shall Overcome" was e'er cryin' . ." signed an MGM contract and is going and remarked to a friend, "That one * * * to make a vampire picture. THE DEMONSTRATORS WHO * # * MARCHED OUTSIDE AGAINST THE fellow is a pretty good baritone." Shock headline of the week, from the VIETNAM WAR WEREN'T THE ONLY Imaginative exercise of the week: Detroit Free Press condensation of ONES WHO FOUND HIS SPEECH think up stunts for the new TV show Arthur Schlesinger's Kennedy book: The WCTU Save-Our-Boys-And- BORING. that will offer a top prize of $50, "McNamara Drafted." Girls Citation goes to August W. Heck- * * * man, president of the Jersey City Museum Association, who in banning BULK RATE Second shock headline of the week (from the New York Times): "Negro a painting of two nudes from a local U.S. POSTAGE Colleges Recruiting Whites in 'Drive exhibit said, "That type of painting 2-7/8< PAID for Excellence.'" is not conducive to our cultural goals * * * —nudes excite prurient interests. If East Lansing, Mich. Variety reports, "Now that 'Bat­ we're called provincial, well then Permit No. 52 man' has arrived on television, via the we'll be provincial." 2 "The Paper," East Lansing, Michigan, January 27, 1966 Keleher Doubts State News' Sincerity The State News has of late been tion which the companies involved devoting considerable space to com­ will not wish later to give up. South ments on me, with outbursts of emo­ Vietnam is (normally) one of Asia's tionalism against my position on the major rice producers, and Japan— Viet Nam question. However, it has one of our "junior partners in im- followed its usual policy of substi­ perialism"~needs that rice. And just tuting invective, banality and dog­ recently two of our largest invest­ gerel for a dispassionate discussion ment banks have become involved in of the issues, and thereby continues Saigon. to dis-serve its captive readership. 3. The failure of our military op­ Some issues that a more respon­ erations in South Vietnam. Not for the sible organ might bring to its read­ first time in the war, our govern­ ers' attention are: ment officials are telling the Ameri­ 1. The validity and significance of can people that "the tide has turned." the current "peace offense." For all This time the line is that massive the ballyhoo and scurrying of emis­ American troop reinforcements and saries hither and thither, the John­ saturation bombing are forcing the son administration continues to es­ NLF to go on the defensive, and that calate the war in south Vietnam with they are losing territory which they yet more intensive B-52 bombings of had previously held securely. In real­ hopes is a girl, although with all areas held by the NLF and attempted ity, the NLF has continued to GAIN these new trends going around nothing ground offensives (which tend to get territory steadily. Not only are young SNAFU is certain. It is, of course, entirely bogged down). Americans fighting for the wrong possible that the man is being at­ cause; they are losing. By LAURENCE TATE tacked by a small bear and/or a large In addition, on the charge that dog, in which case the real moral Cambodia is giving sanctuary to the 4. The atrocities committed by I don't want to be known as an in­ decision belongs to the bear and/or NLF armed forces (disproved by "our side." Yes, the NLF IS guilty veterate reader of Time magazine, dog. If this is the case, I must really Seymour Topping of the New York of atrocities. We had better accept but in the course of my association agree with the existentialists that all Times and denied by Norodom Si­ the fact that revolutions do not happen with "The Paper" (which, like at guidelines are irrelevant.