9 Interpersonal skills 1: emotional intelligence, self-talk and assertiveness 5_60_66172_com21st3e_Ch09.indd 282 6/15/11 9:37 AM LEARNING OBJECTIVES After studying this chapter you should be able to: ■■ Explain the concepts of emotional intelligence and emotional competence ■■ Identify various examples of negative and positive self-talk ■■ Describe a range of assertive behaviours ■■ Understand and use a range of assertive verbal skills ■■ Understand the cooperative principle and apply the Gricean Maxims in verbal communication exchanges 5_60_66172_com21st3e_Ch09.indd 283 6/15/11 9:37 AM Interpersonal and intrapersonal skills: enlightenment, psychobabble or somewhere in between? This is the first of two chapters examining interpersonal skills. In this chapter we will discuss emotional intelligence, intrapersonal communication or self-talk, and assertiveness. In the next chapter we will look at listening, questioning, reframing, feedback skills and Interpersonal communication the Johari Window tool of communication. Interpersonal communication skills are processes skills: processes that help, that help, but sometimes also distort or block, the communication of messages between distort or block communication of messages between individuals. Intrapersonal communication skills are processes that help, but sometimes also individuals distort or block, communication messages within an individual. Intrapersonal communication These levels, as we have seen or will see, are part of a total system of communication. skills: processes that help, distort or block communication The field of communication is rapidly growing; its breadth is suggested by the many topics messages within an individual treated in this book. It draws from many older disciplines, such as psychology, sociology, anthropology, economics and linguistics. A search of ‘communication’ or ‘interpersonal communication’ in a library catalogue or online bookstore will unearth a range of texts that run the gamut from serious, arcane research scholarship to superficial and trite self-help books. This is not to say, however, that wisdom is only found in the former. Examining the trite and superficial can help us. It can give us a negative model of learning, so that we learn what best to avoid. It may also contain useful information, the value of which will emerge only with the passage of time and the benefit of hindsight. Interpersonal and intrapersonal communication skills are both important within a person’s total system of communication, and are relied upon in various contexts and settings. 284 Communicating in the 21st Century 5_60_66172_com21st3e_Ch09.indd 284 6/15/11 9:37 AM Psychobabble: superficial We need to be on our guard, however, against what has been called psychobabble, the and banal treatments of superficial and banal treatments of psychology made popular in many self-help books (Rosen psychological theory 1977; Tavris 2011). For example, self-esteem, which has been a central concept of social sci- ence for several decades, refers to feelings of self-worth and confidence — perceptions most people would agree are worthy of cultivation in all human beings. Critics of the concept, however, assert that it has been improperly reconceptualised as a panacea for all human ills, and its absence associated with all human shortcomings. This, they suggest, has led to undesirable outcomes such as a broad ‘culture of narcissism’ or ‘cult of self-worship’ throughout society, a ‘dumbing down’ of education (with some students being insulated from the real world of standards because of a fear that their ‘self-esteem’ might be dam- aged if they are permitted to fail), unrealistic expectations among students about the future world of work, and even a misunderstanding of criminal behaviour (some criminals may have unrealistically high rather than low self-esteem) (Lasch 1979; Rieff 1987; Vitz 1994; Dalrymple 1999; Stout 2001; Smith 2002; Twenge 2009). Emotional intelligence (and other intelligences) Intelligence is conventionally linked to the ability to solve logical problems, measured by standard IQ (intelligence quotient) tests (Sternberg & Prestz 2004). In the past few dec- ades, however, models of intelligence have emerged that go beyond the purely logical. For example, Gardner (2000; Jie-Qi, Moran & Gardner 2009) proposes that there are multiple intelligences, including: ■■ logical–mathematical intelligence ■■ musical intelligence ■■ linguistic intelligence ■■ bodily–kinesthetic intelligence ■■ spatial intelligence ■■ interpersonal intelligence ■■ intrapersonal intelligence ■■ natural intelligence ■■ spiritual–existential intelligence. Emotional intelligence: a Salovey and Mayer (1990) first proposed the concept of emotional intelligence (EI) in person’s basic underlying 1990, since which there has been considerable interest expressed in the idea (e.g. DuBrin capability to recognise and use emotion to better 2008; Qualter, Gardner & Whitely 2007; Bar-On & Parker 2000; Goleman 1998; Matthews, communicate with others Zeidner & Roberts 2003; Orme & Langhorn 2003; Singh 2003; Murphy 2006; Weisinger 1998; Bradbury & Greaves 2009). Intelligence or competence? There are some questions associated with the concept of EI. For example, is it inborn, and therefore unchangeable, or can it be manipulated — in other words, can we improve our EI? Also, can it be measured, in the way that IQ can be measured? These issues in turn raise further questions. One approach taken to working around such unresolved issues is Emotional competency: to make a case for emotional competency, which can be broken down further into specific describes the personal and competencies (Goleman 1998; Gowing 2001). According to Gowing, ‘Emotional intelligence social skills that lead to superior performance in the refers to a person’s basic underlying capability to recognize and use emotion . Emotional world of work competence describes the personal and social skills that lead to superior performance in the world of work’ (2001, p. 85). Emotional competencies can be grouped into personal competencies (how we manage ourselves) and social competencies (how we manage our relations with others) (figure 9.1). Chapter 9 Interpersonal skills 1: emotional intelligence, self-talk and assertiveness 285 5_60_66172_com21st3e_Ch09.indd 285 6/15/11 9:37 AM PERSONAL COMPETENCE: HOW WE MANAGE OURSELVES A. Self-awareness: knowing one’s B. Self-regulation: managing one’s C. Motivation: emotional tendencies that internal states, impulses and internal states, impulses and guide or facilitate achievement of goals resources resources ■■ A1. Emotional awareness: recognising ■■ B1. Self-control: keeping disruptive ■■ C1. Achievement drive: striving to meet or one’s emotions and their effects emotions and impulses in check to improve a standard of excellence ■■ A2. Accurate self-assessment: ■■ B2. Trustworthiness: maintaining ■■ C2. Commitment: aligning with the goals of knowing one’s strengths and limits standards of honesty and integrity the group or organisation ■■ A3. Self-confidence: one’s sense of ■■ B3. Conscientiousness: taking ■■ C3. Initiative: readiness to act on self-worth and capabilities responsibility for personal opportunities performance ■■ C4. Optimism: persistence in pursuing ■■ B4. Adaptability: flexibility in goals despite obstacles and setbacks handling change ■■ B5. Innovation: being comfortable with novel ideas and approaches SOCIAL COMPETENCE: HOW WE MANAGE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS D. Empathy: awareness of others’ feelings, needs and concerns E. Social skills: adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others D1. Understanding others: sensing others’ feelings and E1. Influence: employing effective tactics for persuasion perspectives, and taking an active interest in their concerns E2. Communication: listening openly and sending convincing D2. Developing others: sensing others’ development needs and messages bolstering their abilities E3. Conflict management: negotiating and resolving D3. Service orientation: anticipating, recognising and meeting disagreements customers’ needs E4. Leadership: inspiring and guiding individuals and groups D4. Leveraging diversity: cultivating opportunities through E5. Change catalyst: initiating or managing change different kinds of people E6. Building bonds: nurturing instrumental relationships D5. Political awareness: reading a group’s emotional currents E7. Collaboration and cooperation: working with others towards and power relations shared goals E8. Team capabilities: creating group synergy in pursuing collective goals FIGURE 9.1 Emotional competencies as a basis for emotional intelligence Sources: Adapted from Goleman (1998); Gowing (2001, pp. 88–9). Looking at the competencies listed, we can see that in a real sense much of this book is about emotional intelligence, or emotional competence, dealing as it does with listening, conflict management and negotiation, group and team dynamics, working with customers, persuasion, diversity and intercultural communication. The applied or prac- tical nature of emotional intelligence or competency is thus apparent. As one writer explains: emotional intelligence is the intelligent use of emotions: you intentionally make your emotions work for you by using them to help guide your behavior and thinking in ways that enhance your result. Let’s say you have an important presentation to give and your self-awareness (a component of emotional intelligence) has pointed out to you that you’re feeling extremely anxious. Your emotional intelligence